Benjamin Müller (36) is the proud father of three children aged 10, 8 and 4 (a girl and two boys, born of his union with journalist Céline Kallmann). And parenting is a subject that he masters perfectly. On May 25, he also released the book Become a dad for dummies, with the collaboration of experts. A project on which he entrusted himself to Purepeople. He also agreed to answer a few more personal questions. Rare secrets.
How was this project born?
About two years ago I wanted to write about fathers. And I realized that there were a lot of books that talked about fatherhood, but it was often through the prism of humor. As if books for women were precise, complete, serious and even sometimes serious when necessary. So I said to myself that I was going to write this book by deciding to speak to men as they are. That is to say serious people who want real information. So not a humorous book about fatherhood.
How would you present it?
The book is aimed at expectant fathers, new fathers, and fathers with children up to about two years old. It is also intended I think for mothers, because there are a lot of subjects that are intended for both parents. The idea is that this book feels the spirit of the times, that is to say sharing household chores, sharing the mental load, the total balance between man and woman or the freedom of speech . The place of fathers is more and more important in families, it was important for me to highlight it.
How do you get involved as a dad on a daily basis?
It’s funny because you would never ask a mother that. I get involved as much as the mother. We are two to have children, to raise them.
Aren’t you just fed up with the cliché of the dad who does nothing?
In truth it is not yet a cliché everywhere. Sometimes it’s still the women who do all the dirty work. It’s true that we see more men dropping off their children at school or at their activities, so that’s a good thing. But on the most boring tasks, it’s still the women who have this responsibility overall. So the cliché is somewhat true. Nevertheless, it is changing. I find that the new generation of fathers is more and more involved and aware of this question of sharing tasks.
What education did you receive?
She was benevolent, without any form of violence and attentive. My father is a doctor, my mother a nursery nurse. They are with children all day so they are aware of that. They helped me a lot to gain self-confidence. We could also talk about our emotions to say what was going well or not. I know that if I’m more or less well in my sneakers today, it comes from there.
What else should change in society for dads to occupy their rightful place?
The way in which the division of tasks or the mental load is done. In my opinion, what would deliver everything would be equal pay between men and women and equality in companies. The day when men and women, for an equivalent position, will earn the same and the day when they will have the same leave after the arrival of a child, we will take a big step. We will no longer have, as an employer, the temptation to recruit the man instead, saying to ourselves that she will probably go on maternity leave, for example. And when one of the parents has to put off sick days for children, it will no longer necessarily be the woman who will have to do it if she earns less. I think everything will go through business, more than politics.
You are a columnist in The Kindergarten House. What relationship do you have with presenter Agathe Lecaron?
It’s a sun. She is terribly funny. For six years, every time I see her, I know I’m going to have fun. I have giggles with her like I had in 6th grade. Besides, he is a generous person. She teaches me a lot about the job. And as a kindergarten presenter she’s great because she often starts the shows saying ‘it’s cool we’re parents, we’re going to talk about that today, but how tiring’ . And she tells what happened to her. I’m sure that for viewers it’s super important. It is the same on air and off air. Having rubbed shoulders with a lot of people in the industry, people like her are rare.
How do you juggle your career and your family life?
Now it’s easier, but I had very difficult times. In some companies, we were fully face-to-face. We had to come at 8:30 a.m. and leave at 9 p.m. If we left at 7 p.m., we had the right to think ‘well, did you take your afternoon off?’, the unbearable thing. So there was a short period during which I did not see my children. I was exactly what I didn’t want to become. I told myself that I was going to determine the time that I wanted to spend with my family, my priority, and that the time that was left would be to work. So I told myself that I was going to organize myself to leave at 5 p.m. and enjoy my children. It means working a lot between 9 am and 5 pm, eating in front of the computer and working again at 9 pm when the children are in bed. I prefer to do that and be present with my children. I would point out that I have a job that allows me to organize myself like that. There are plenty of professions in which you cannot have this flexibility. But when you have the opportunity, I encourage you to do it.
Who takes a sick child day when one of them is unwell?
We manage, especially with the Covid where it was complicated with the classes which closed as soon as a child coughed. It was organizational hell, like everyone else. My wife being a journalist in the morning on RMC, she leaves for work at 1 a.m. and I, we are live every morning with Les Maternelles. So it’s complicated. I’m lucky to have nice neighbors who can babysit. Otherwise I went several times to my workplace with my children when the classes closed. They were in control or backstage.
You mention the importance of communication. Do your children manage to come to you if the need arises?
I think I miss things in the education of my children like a lot of people but if there is one thing that I succeeded in, that’s it. They know they can talk to me about anything, anytime. They are encouraged to talk. It is never too late to do so.
Has the arrival of your children changed things in your life as a couple?
I would say that the arrival of a child is an earthquake for a couple. Then there are two ways to see it. Obviously, the couple is no longer the same as before but that does not mean that it is less well. It’s just different. The couple will evolve with the child. He will experience big problems at the start and experience the “baby clash” like almost everyone else. It’s normal. But through dialogue, the couple is strengthened with the arrival of a child. Us, it made us stronger. I think we are even higher in our bond since we became parents.
You talk about childbirth which can sometimes be marked by unforeseen events. Was this the case for your wife?
We were lucky to have deliveries that went well. All three were triggered. The children were fine, they didn’t want to go out (laughs). The good side is that we can live a great moment as a couple. We settle in a room to wait. Each time we put on music. It’s a suspended time, we no longer know what time it is. We find ourselves both and we know that something incredibly upsetting is going to happen without knowing when. The children are not there, we are alone. I find this moment incredible. I advise you to put away your laptop and enjoy this moment. Especially since when the baby is there, the moments for two and suspended there won’t be any for several months (laughs).
How did you experience the postpartum period?
It was a whirlwind. For the first child, we discover everything. We have a lack of self-confidence as parents. The second, we have a little more confidence but it inevitably upsets the balance we found with the first. We still know how to manage a little better. And the third fact that we are outnumbered. They are three, we are two. We must stop saying that the third rises by itself, it is false. But in terms of self-confidence, we are fine.
How was the choice of first names?
I think it’s one of the coolest moments of pregnancy because I think like everyone else, we made lists. And in the end we took first names that weren’t there. I advise not to give the first names before the birth to the relatives because we deprive ourselves of the surprise and we expose ourselves to the risk of having negative reactions. It kills the magic of the first name.
You mention the subject of the couvade in the book. Has this happened to you?
I invented the concept of the couvade (laughs). I was snacking with my wife. Psychoanalysts say that it is good, that the man is in the process of integrating parenthood, the new him that he is in the process of becoming. Concretely, I just find that it brings you flab which is a little hard to lose afterwards. But if the shrinks say it’s great, so much the better.
What are your other projects ?
With my wife, we created a podcast for children called Encore une histoire. These are stories for children. And as it works very well, we release these stories in books. We have already released 4 of them, the last one is Le Palais de Paul. And this year we are releasing a 5th. I find it extraordinary when someone sends me a photo of a child with one of our books on Instagram. So I hope we can still do plenty.
Exclusive content that cannot be reproduced without the mention of Purepeople.com