Wilson* only had one woman in his life. Only one. The mother of his children. But for several years now, she has been ill. She’s not exactly herself anymore. He will never let her down, he even takes care of her as best he can. But he “gives himself the right” to look elsewhere. Here’s why.
He wrote to us, like several others before him, following the publication of the testimony of François*, a natural caregiver in spite of himself, struggling with a heartbreaking “sexual loneliness”.
Read the article “Sexual loneliness of the natural caregiver”
“It came to get me,” our interlocutor immediately declares, seated over a beer, in an anonymous restaurant in Saint-Hyacinthe. This life, with a sick partner, is not easy. Given what I’m doing, I say to myself: is this correct? »
“But I give myself the right, you understand? he continues, taking our arm, as he will do several times, throughout his emotional testimony. I give myself the right, but I can’t fall in love…” We’ll see why below.
It must be understood that Wilson, well into his fifties, visibly in good shape and a rather handsome man, has known his wife since adolescence. It was with her that he had his first experiences, raised his children, in short, spent most of his life.
In bed ? “She wasn’t very sexual,” he said. Me ? More, I would say. But I was able to live with it. ” For what ? “Because I was married. Maybe a little old fashioned? »
“It’s not that she didn’t like it,” he adds, “but it took years before I bought a ‘tool.’ » It was 10 years ago, to be exact. “And I think she liked it better!” », he emphasizes here with a laugh.
We understand that it was especially him who took the lead, sexually speaking, and Wilson confirms this. “I’m always the one who bought his underwear! I bought her three bras just last week! »
What if he already cheated on her? No, he answers without hesitation. Before adding quietly: “OK, once. » But that doesn’t really matter. The lady was “homosexual,” he said, laughing, “maybe bi?” ”, and they were definitely “intoxicated”. “I’m not very proud of it…”
And then a few years ago, at the turn of fifty, his wife, “a leader, a strong, organized woman” began to get lost in her city, to feel depressed, to have trouble get along with your bosses. His doctor gave him a battery of tests and the terrible diagnosis came: Alzheimer’s.
” I cried ! You know, you work your whole life for your retirement. What is the song again? When the house is paid for…” he said, paraphrasing Vincent Vallières. There will be nothing left but to love each other, we are careful not to add…
“It’s not that I don’t love her,” he said, as if reading our minds. But I’m not her husband anymore! I am a caregiver…”
They never discussed the subject too much. “She came in a carriage…” So time passed, and inevitably, the illness did its work.
Certainly, the first months, they tried to maintain a semblance of intimacy.
I no longer call it making love, I call it doing the deed. […] I felt like I was taking advantage of her. […] I ended up stopping. It didn’t seem right…
Wilson, late 50s
She ended up stopping working and Wilson, seeing her going around in circles at home, had no choice but to do the same. “Do you know what,” he adds, taking our arms again, “my father did the same thing. He retired because my mother got sick. Same deal…”
The waitress comes to take the order and our Wilson doesn’t know what to eat: “She always chose!” »
It’s been almost two years since they had the slightest connection. “And I was sad,” he said. Do you know what? I still have some. She’s taking a shower, completely naked, I find it beautiful…” Suddenly, her voice becomes tighter. He wipes away a tear. The only one in the interview. Then continues: “She’s my girlfriend, again. And that’s why I give myself the right. But do I have the right? I give it to myself the same. If my girlfriend was herself, I would never have done that! […] But you know, when you have lunch, you have dinner, you have supper, and not a word is said, it’s really boring! »
And that’s how, two years ago, Wilson met a girl. A little in spite of himself, at a party with old friends. He tells her about his life. It takes months before they see each other again. And months more before they take action. “I wasn’t capable. […]. And how do I get better? Who would come and watch? » He ends up getting organized, but the adventure is ultimately not so conclusive. Unable to get an erection, Wilson feels “guilty.” “And when I came home, my wife didn’t ask me any questions. She never asks questions. But if she were there, she would ask sacramental questions! »
This story does not last, because Wilson is not “free”. “I was falling in love and it was going to harm my life with my wife,” he explains to us. Emotionally, I was mixed. […] I have to take care of my girlfriend. But if I’m in love, I think of someone else! It’s hard ! » And he can’t afford that, he repeats, because he has too many responsibilities. Shopping, washing, cleaning, “it’s hard!” “. “Besides, there’s not much time left and I know it…”
Since then, he has found a second woman (“a beautiful girl, I always found her beautiful!”), with whom he will not let himself fall in love this time. How, we don’t really know, but he seems determined.
In bed, is it better? More or less, Wilson laughed again. “Not great, no. The doctor told me, it’s my mind, the problem…” It also took weeks before he dared to take a little magic pill. “Should I do this?” Can I make a difference with a pill? » He ended up coming to his senses, found a babysitter, and has since seen this new woman regularly. “It’s wonderful,” he said, smiling. Don’t say that: we’re doing marathons! Criss, it never ends! » If it does him any good? “That makes me feel good,” he nods, smiling softly. “I’m going to look for the emotional, you understand? […] But I can’t fall in love. I can’t. I am not free. I have to take care of my wife. […] I always said I would be there. And I always will be…”
*Fictitious first names to protect their anonymity.