Press offers you a weekly testimonial that aims to illustrate what is really happening behind the bedroom door, in the privacy, far, far away from statistics and standards. Today: William *, 29 years old.
William was raped. A first time in childhood, a second in adulthood. And even if he retains traumatic memories, he wanted to tell his story here. “To encourage other men to speak …”
Warning: no, this story is not a happy one. But it is not that sad either. Because William, recently met in a charming restaurant on the South Shore, does not see himself as a “victim”. On the contrary, “I am a survivor”, he wishes to qualify, tattoo of a flaming rose in support (and on the forearm, a symbol launched in particular by Lady Gaga).
Emaciated face, behind his bushy beard and small glasses, William plunges straight into the heart of the matter. “It goes back to when I was 7 years old. ” With ? “A friend of the family, a priest. He died today… ”
To hear his strong accent (French), we guess that the case happened there. He nods, then stops dead. “I’m going to have to drink. I’m not an alcoholic, he says, but it’s relaxing. It uninhibits… ”
A “trauma”
A pint of IPA in front of him later, William continues: “It’s a trauma…” He remembers “everything”, and in great detail. That is to say: the color of the curtains, the light, the smell of the apartment, where he spends two weeks altogether. Two weeks too long. “It smelled of old …” And then these words: “it’s a game”, “a secret between us …”
Next ? “After that, it’s really very vague. A black hole. I just remember being in the car with my dad on the way home. He sees the landscape pass before his eyes. “My father feels I am absent, and asks me what there is …” We will not know exactly what William is confiding to him (“everything!”), Or how. This is because his most vivid memory is elsewhere: in his father’s “sigh”. “A sigh of utter despair, the worst sigh in the world,” he said. And that’s where my suffering started. There is the fall … ”
After ? Re-black hole.
I skipped my adolescence. I don’t remember anything. What a slab.
William
William vaguely remembers the investigators, the “really intense” suffering of his mother, then that the case ended up being closed “without continuation”, “for lack of evidence …”
He quickly goes on an adventure in boarding school (around 12 years old), where he has a sexual relationship with a “roommate”, “consenting”, he assures, to arrive at his 17 years, where his memories are this times more precise. It was at this time that he was grappling with a real “fight”. Goal ? “Yell. I have been in associations, support groups, I have been a spokesperson to yell. I needed to get out of this horror, of my suffering, which, by the way, never disappeared… ”
He then directed a short film on the subject. “In my head, it’s going to take me out of my pain. But it is worse. I’m drowning in it even more… ”
And then ? “And then it’s as if I had lived my adolescence,” he said, finally smiling. It was a bit of debauchery. Almost nymphomania… ”
It was 10 years ago. “Do you want me to tell you? We did not leave the hostel! There have been at least 200 to 250 women in four years. Women, men. Men, I had a hard time accepting it at first, but I ended up telling myself: it will be either a man or a woman, the love of my life. And that’s how. “Because yes, through all these adventures (his” kissodrome “, as he likes to say), William is looking here for the famous” love of [sa] life “.
Note: most of his lovers / mistresses are 20 to 30 years older than him. But there is never anything “unhealthy”, and everything is always “consenting”, he specifies.
It’s weird, but it helped me come to terms with my rape. By reproducing patterns with other older men, it helped me get over it.
William
Besides, he forgave. ” Completely. “” In the end, I no longer had any hatred. Just pain for him… ”
And if you’re wondering, no, her attraction to men has nothing to do with her aggression. “Not related,” confirms William, for whom this question really does not make sense. He said a word about it earlier: “It has to do with my conception of love: love has no sex or religion. ”
In his early twenties, William then went on a trip. On Tinder, he meets a woman. “We got along really well, we had great chemistry. I spent all my time at her place. It was with her that he landed in Quebec, a little over five years ago.
The “second rape”
One night of drinking, as they say, as they are about to have sex, and William putting on a condom (forgive the technical details, but it’s crucial), there is a slight bickering. It is not necessary, she said; if, “I want to protect myself”, that he answers (half “stoned”). “And she took it off and climbed on top of me,” William says. I felt the same as with the priest: I was raped once again. […] I really felt the same. The same feeling. “Above all:” the same relapse … ”
The rest is fuzzy. Re-black hole. William continues on his way (his studies). It was only recently that he decided to file a complaint, but he was told that it would certainly not succeed. In a help center for people victims of violence, he was even told that no, “men do not get raped …”
This is also why he wanted to tell himself: “It’s completely delusional. It scandalizes me. I did some research. Is there a center to help men in Quebec? Zero! ”
He makes no secret of having fallen into an “ultimate” hollow here. But recovered. Because her story ends well, anyway. In the meantime, he ended up meeting her, the famous “woman of his life”. They got married, and even had a child. She, too, was a victim of (marital) rape. “There is a theory which says that raped people attract …”
Sexually? “We tamed each other,” he replies cautiously. And there, it’s going well. We’re super free. We talk, we exchange a lot. […] It is the foot ! ”
This is also what he would like to be remembered from his story: “There is always light, he believes. Yes, I am happy. The most important thing is love… ”
* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity