Roxanne* has just discovered polyamory. She won’t budge: the perfect person doesn’t exist. The one that “checks all the boxes”, even less. But humans have different needs. And polyamory is a damn fine way to answer that. Interview.
Oh yes, and Roxanne is a trans woman. But it doesn’t necessarily have a connection. And she doesn’t hate submission either.
Met in a nice café on Wellington Street, the young trans, late twenties, looks like a very ordinary woman. Blonde, blue eyes, big eyebrows, she wears no makeup (or very little). With her striped top and navy jeans, she would go completely unnoticed, were it not for her freshly styled platinum hair. And even.
She begins her story with this intimate “feeling”, as a child, and more precisely as a teenager, of being a woman “inside”. “At 12, I started having an erotic dream, the same for three years, and I saw myself, as a woman, with another woman. Endlessly ! And attached, to boot.
At the time, she didn’t talk about it to anyone, not to her friends and even less to her parents. It must be said that she is not comfortable in her skin, rather unhappy, and does not see how she could “be happy in life”, she summarizes (and note the use of the feminine throughout the interview, since Roxanne has always been, somewhere).
At 17, she still has a first blonde (yes, she has always been attracted to women), a story that lasts seven years. “And we never made love…” Not that Roxanne (then a boy, we’ll understand) didn’t want to. But for all sorts of reasons (Mademoiselle’s illness, then her convalescence, pain, etc.), it never happened. “We’re going to take our time, said Roxanne, we talked a lot about consent, it was important. »
Nevertheless. Roxanne, who has always been very “sexual”, begins to explore toys on her own, buying ropes, handcuffs and other BDSM accessories, which have always “attracted” her, we understand. His eyes shine as he tells himself.
If you want to know everything, yes, she masturbates, but does not touch herself. She “never” actually touched herself. At least not directly, always opting for toys. Why ? Because “it doesn’t make me feel good. […] And I never liked to use it necessarily. » As proof: « A pipe, I always said no. » End of precision.
After seven years of platonic relationship, therefore, Roxanne ends up leaving this girlfriend for a second, met on Tinder. This time, it’s “quite the opposite”. She is sticky, sensual, and the two finally sleep together, when Roxanne is 24 years old.
It’s great, perfect! She didn’t believe me when I told her it was my first time! […] It’s that I read a lot about women, what feels good, how the body works, what is the fun !
Roxanne, late twenties
The story lasts two years. It’s happiness: Roxanne shows him her toys, her girlfriend wants to try – “it’s wonderful, I couldn’t believe it! It is even her, this second girlfriend, who for the very first time raises the question of her “transition”. “But I never mentioned it! My God, I thought it was deep inside of me! »
How did she know? Felt? Seen ? “Because I’m a more submissive personality, it’s easy to have discussions about our emotions, it’s like I’m a girl’s friend. […] And I have zero interest in guys! “says Roxanne. And she likes to be penetrated, too. “It makes me feel like a woman…”
Certainly, his girlfriend is perceptive, but she has her limits. “If you decide to make your transition, we’ll have to separate, because I don’t like women,” she told him. For Roxanne, it’s heartbreaking.
She also sees a shrink (for many years, and for all sorts of related subjects, anxiety, self-esteem, etc.) and finds herself in a dead end. “I will never be happy if I don’t. »
The separation is hard (“we loved each other!”), but Roxanne can no longer do otherwise. She must listen to herself. She is preparing for a “big change”. “And I want to live it fully. »
It was two years ago. Roxanne finally opens up to her parents, before taking her first steps in terms of hormonal treatments and other laser hair removal. “And there are immediate results. »
And then a few months ago, after a third adventure with a colleague (now one of her best friends), Roxanne signed up again on an application, playing the card of total transparency for the very first time: BDSM , trans, upcoming operation, everything is there. “And when I first meet, I have a connection! Better: she has a revelation. We get there: it is because the young woman in question is polyamorous. “She is looking for a second person to meet certain needs, summarizes Roxanne, sexual and emotional needs. And it’s a “match”, as they say. “We have a chemistry! She beams. Our Roxanne, more submissive, has found her dominant.
But beware ! There are rules: forbidden to sleep together or to say “I love you”. Besides, no, she doesn’t feel amorous here. At all, in fact. “Me, I’m looking for a primary partner, who doesn’t necessarily like BDSM, she explains, so that we can build something together. I want my own person, and I say that all the time. »
And she believes in it. It must be said that this umpteenth adventure teaches him a lot about polyamory in general, and his sexuality in particular. “Why do so many couples break up? Because people are looking for the perfect person, but it doesn’t exist, she repeats. Me, I like this person who has a sexual side fly, but in my life, I’m looking for someone calmer, maybe more like me. And there, I discovered: hehe, I have the right to have two people! The most important thing is to be transparent! »
The main thing, according to her? “Listen to each other. We only have one life, she concludes. For two years, I have been happy. And I never thought I would be like this…”
*Fictional first name, to protect his anonymity