Martin* thought about it, fantasized about the project, then backed away. Here’s why.
The forty-year-old, in a relationship for 10 years, wrote to us recently because he was angry. Tired of reading stories of “happy” polyamorous people, of “liberating” openness, as if non-monogamy were a panacea, he wanted to set the record straight. No, it is not necessarily the “solution”, at least not for everyone, he wants to qualify here.
Sitting on a park bench, our interlocutor kindly empties his bag. It must be said that the last few months have been quite trying. However, it has always been “open”, he begins. Clarification: “not like the girl from last week!” », he adds, in allusion to the testimony of a certain Laura* with a fairly liberated life, thank you.
Read “Laura’s Overture”
That doesn’t stop him: his first sexual encounter, around the age of 22 (“It’s late, I wasn’t having sex! I’m embarrassed!”), took place in an open relationship. “She was seeing several guys at the same time. It was going well. I knew what I was getting into. »
For his part, Martin is wiser. He is looking for “THE wife of [sa] life”: “The one with whom I was going to spend my life and have children. » Before finding her, he had a few blondes and a handful of fuck friends, nothing too significant, just enough to learn how to communicate his desires and express his limits. Oh yes, and living out a certain fantasy: making love in the forest. “And it’s a lot less fun than in the movies! “, he assures, laughing.
Still, at the turn of his thirties, Martin finally met the mother of his children. Madame is coming out of a toxic relationship, and in her eyes he embodies the “opposite”: “I am not manipulative, I am open to dialogue, I encourage my partners to be themselves and to express their needs. Like me, I allow myself to be myself. »
In bed ? “Very good,” he smiled. Certainly, the arrival of the children is trying (“she was never in”), but they overcome this together and through communication. For his part, Martin becomes “patient”, and Madame learns to express her “desires” more clearly, he illustrates.
As the children grew up, the couple began to explore. “During the pandemic, we just had that to do! ” And ? “And we explored anal sex!” It was a revelation. She didn’t know she was open, and I didn’t know I could enjoy it! »
Better: “We both discovered that we could break away from our habits! »
Everything is going well, we believe (wrongly), when our interlocutor then adds, and at this precise moment in the interview: “But there was a problem. ” Which ? “I’m depressed. »
He explains: life at work is difficult, daily life with young children is demanding, in short, he struggles. And if this strangely doesn’t have immediate repercussions on his sex life, it has significant ones on his relationship. This is because he becomes impatient, negative, unpleasant – “I felt very sorry for myself” – and Madame quietly leaves. “She felt less love. »
But one week when her relationship is going particularly badly, she suddenly arrives with a proposal. “What if we tried polyamory? “, he paraphrases, before correcting himself: “The exact term is: what if we practiced non-monogamy? » It was last winter.
First of all, Martin is not against it. “Okay, that might tempt me. I saw it as sexual curiosity. » For a week, the idea makes its way into their antics: “Sex talk during lovemaking,” he says, “we imagine a threesome, what it would be like, and we really get into it! »
The honeymoon, however, was short-lived.
It lasted a week. Afterwards, I started to completely panic.
Martin, early forties
It’s that suddenly, while discussing the rules (we follow each other’s rhythm, we don’t want to know anything about the details, etc.), Martin freezes. His (negative) ideas are racing. “I remembered that I hate date ! I hate the cruise ! I am the same! I feel like a predator! »
Madame tries to reassure him, in vain. Her words, far from appeasing her, in fact fuel her insecurities: “She tells me that she doesn’t want to have one guy a week either. But rather polyamory: finding someone with whom to be intimate. ” Reaction ? “I’m ruining my life. »
Suddenly no more inspiring scenarios, the very idea of seeing his girlfriend in the arms of another “disgusts” him. “And I had the worst anxiety attack of my entire life,” says Martin, who then finds himself in a little ball on the ground, paralyzed…
The crisis obviously puts a damper on the project, which they mutually agree to put on “pause”. “And I started to feel better…”
We will have understood, the story obviously does not end there. A few weeks later, Madame made a confession to him. It was written: she actually found someone – an “old flame” – and the idea of opening up the couple came from there. “Nothing happened,” assures Martin, “but she felt a connection. » And thought about exploring it. Obviously, Martin’s anxiety caused the project to abort.
New test, except that Martin understands here that she still chose him. “She really loves me!” », he realizes. Yet another number of connections follow. “Again,” he confirms, “and we had some hell of a fuck!” » But here it is: Madame still hasn’t given up on the project (with or without the other, it’s not exactly clear at this moment), but offers to go at her own pace, according to her wishes. She suggests trying a swingers club, why not buy some new toys? “We lived our fantasies,” says Martin. We were on cloud nine. And we had some of the best sex of our lives. Wow! »
A week before our meeting, re-crisis. Madame is not going, and Martin finally understands what is happening: not only has she not given up on the project, but she has not (yet) given up on the guy. Until then, at least.
And I find myself consoling my girlfriend about her heartbreak from a guy with whom she wanted to live in polyamory!
Martin, early forties
How does he feel? dare we. ” I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, he replies. I didn’t expect one day to experience this in my life. […] It’s weird! Even she finds it ridiculous! »
All this to say that in case we haven’t understood: “it’s complicated!” », concludes Martin. “Did I like it as long as it remained in the fantasy?” And when it comes time to make things happen, do I lack self-confidence? » One thing is certain, “there must be a lot of guys – and girls – like me,” he adds. And maybe there are people who get involved in this, and they really don’t like it! » Let it be said: “It’s damned hard! »
*Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity
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