Some see dating sites as a real jungle, a ruthless world, or even hell on earth. Others, on the contrary, immerse themselves in it to forget, get dizzy, or even heal altogether. Therapeutic, the sites? Why not ?
At least that’s the opinion of Julie *, a 40-year-old blonde from Gatineau, who sent us a different message recently. Less negative and more encouraging than usual, let’s say. Judge for yourself: “I overused all dating apps for three months,” she wrote. These three months were very intense and taught me a lot about myself, about men… ”
Encountered virtually, distance requires, she confides lightly. We can guess that she has come a long way.
“I had my first full sexual relationship at 13 years old. Still… ”she chuckles at the camera. A good mood that will not leave her during the interview. With ? “The father of my children! ”
No, its history is not linear (“we separated, then found ourselves again in adulthood”), and even less with rose water. Because even if this first time, as precocious as it is, took place “with respect”, even if it rediscovered this youthful flame (“I had enormous confidence in this man”) in the early twenties, after “a few chums ”, you should know that the 20 years that followed were anything but harmonious. Worse: “There is nothing that we have not experienced …” First, sexually, “it was very pocket, she grimaces, he was a precocious ejaculator”. Their relationship was as a bonus “conflictual”, and their two children had serious health concerns. “All that to say that it was not easy. Yes, she thought about leaving him. “But the children were very young, they needed a lot of care. I could not see myself managing it all alone… ”
So, in return, and because she “needed [se] make known as a woman ”, Julie“ flirted ”. “I cheated on him several times,” she says. But it wasn’t so much the sex she was looking for as the look, the approval, the validation. “I wanted to be found attractive. “And save her, we finally understand.
She ends up telling him everything, at the turn of her thirties, but does not find the “courage” to leave him. Julie then plunges into a deep depression, which lasts a year. As a result, life resumes, without much change. In bed ? “I was doing it because I had to…” she laughed again. It must be said that she has known better since then. We will get to that.
“It was fast, I felt like an object,” she explains. He was not someone tender… ”To relate suddenly seems painful. “It is a period of my life that I have overlooked. It’s a difficult past, ”she drops.
The divorce
At the end of 21 years, to be exact, Julie discovers, and in rather painful circumstances, that the gentleman is also cheating on her. For a year, in fact. And with a woman 20 years his junior. She also sends him the details of their union, in photos. “I completely lost my mind …”
We spare you the “catastrophic” divorce, but we understand that the months that followed were painless without name. “I fell very low. ”
She landed at her parents’ home, at the age of 42. It was three years ago. “I feel like less than nothing,” she said. My mother compares me to Dali’s leaking watches. I am the shadow of myself. […] It’s like I’m worth nothing without this man. It was all my fault. ”
But when I realized that it was really over, I had to bounce back, otherwise I would die …
Julie, 46 years old
She did not immediately dare to register on Tinder (“I considered myself too old and too ugly …”) and opted instead for EliteSingles (“it looked more serious”). “And I was aiming for 50 and over, because in my head, I wouldn’t like anyone else. One thing leads to another, and Julie finds herself on a multitude of sites: Zoosk, Bumble and, of course, Tinder. “All four at the same time. I’m a little crazy, as if there was nothing left to my test. It was now or never! ”
She gets dizzy in one-nights (sometimes a different one per day, “very intense”), and this, for three months. Chrono. She recounts with a laugh a memorable lover here (“a beast of sex, […] he just wanted to please a woman. He had all the possible gadgets! “), A minus there (” I ran out of a house. The stampede. It was weird! “).
The best ? Those who remained “in the respect”, by making her “feel beautiful”, who did not “think only of their pleasure”, with whom she had above all “a conversation”. The less good? “Those I felt who had learned everything with porn…”
She doesn’t hide it: through her adventures, Julie has regained her self-confidence. “It allowed me to find myself beautiful, and learned that I liked sex, because I didn’t know it anymore!” […] I started to get comfortable with my body with it all! ”
But it wasn’t just that. Besides this “orgy” in her life, as she says, there were also exchanges. Confidences which, obviously, have also done him the greatest good. “Through that, I had to mourn, and I was telling my story. It was really great therapy. The farther the other was, the more interesting things we said to each other. ”
Except that, after a few weeks, Julie decided that was enough. What she was looking for was a relationship. A real story. “I changed my way of cruising. “And above all” slammed the meetings. ” In a nutshell: “you’ve had your fun, start getting serious,” she reasoned to herself. And that’s when she ran into a man who suddenly didn’t tell her about her breasts (or her butt), but with whom she had real conversations. “And I had one condition,” she said laughing, “he mustn’t make any spelling mistakes!” “He ended up inviting her to his chalet, and there, they still” discussed, discussed, discussed, “she said with a smile. In bed ? ” Perfect ! Because that was love! […] I feel safe, loved, and I give him back! It almost sounds too good to be true. It’s been three years already, and they haven’t let go since.
Moral? “If I had met him early on, I don’t think it would have clicked,” she concludes. I was not there. […] You have to get to know yourself, to be ready to meet. And all means are good! “Oh yes, and” life doesn’t end at 42 “either …
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity.