Posted at 4:00 p.m.
He never feels completely honest. Not exactly frank. Neither “100%” there. Neither with men nor with women. It’s because Jérémie is bisexual. And it’s ” tough “.
“I don’t feel like a traitor, but… an impostor. This is the word he chooses to describe himself, after a good hour and a half of confidences, and as many thoughts on (his?) bisexuality. If the 27-year-old young man, a student in Quebec and recently met in a Drummondville rotisserie, does not have a lot of practical experience, let’s say that he has, on the other hand, a lot of theoretical questions on the subject. And so many blockages…
It’s because he never had a “model”, laments the doctoral student, with shoulder-length hair and a small mustache, while putting on the filter coffees. He never felt “represented” either. For life. ” I am invisible ! One morning I’m straight, the next day I’m not sure! Even today, I don’t know. Of course it has an impact on my mental health! I don’t see myself anywhere. I do not exist ! I am nobody, and everything at the same time! It’s always been hard…”
Be careful, Jeremy is not unhappy. On the contrary, his friendly, professional life, his life in general, is even going for the best. “But it’s still a big part of my life. And it’s tough on my mental health, he repeats. How is it so complicated for me? »
It all started in the simplest way possible. When he was little, he was first interested in girls. Exclusively. And actively. “I had very young blondes. At daycare, I had a girlfriend! […] These are the girls I wanted to find. »
He remembers having always been very “romantic”, living with “great emotions”, very hooked by a girl here, another there. “In 6and year, I had a blonde, she was the woman of my life! I was young ! »
And then in secondary school, always the most natural thing in the world, it is with a friend that Jérémie then begins to explore. “But I had the impression that it was normal, that everyone did that! he says (does he believe, or is he trying to make himself believe? He doesn’t know himself). Explore how? Nothing “intense”, he says laughing, “we discovered each other”.
Very classic cases, the discovery of bodies, without any emotion.
Jeremiah
End of the story ? Rather the beginning.
Around 16, Jérémie made a girlfriend, his “first real girlfriend”, with whom he spent five years. They are still very close to this day, talk to each other every week, and yes, she knows everything about him. Moreover, it should be noted, she is also bisexual.
Parenthesis: “For girls, notes Jérémie, at least for girls of my generation, it’s a bit banal, normalized. […] It’s sexy, it shows that they are open-minded. ” Guys ? Completely the opposite. Hello taboo. “It’s as if it were to weaken your masculinity. […] And it’s not accepted anywhere. As if you weren’t really straight. That’s what I hear. What I feel. » End of parenthesis.
Back to the ex, as he still fondly calls her. How was it in bed? Complicated. For her part, says our interlocutor. “She couldn’t. She had a kind of blockage. Yes, we slept together, but it was never very long. And we always ended up differently…” In short, it wasn’t optimal. And yes, “it was rough on the pair”.
After five years, therefore, the ex decides to leave it … for a girl! Jérémie does not hide it: this breakup was very hard. And not just emotionally. It’s that in a relationship, Jérémie didn’t ask himself (any more?) questions. “I was fine, I went straight into a standard. […] But I had it in mind: I knew I was different. I had been through things…”
Once separated, he knows it, he can no longer escape it: “I will have to ask myself questions, that I understand who I am. »
The “attempt to understand”
It was six years ago. And no, Jeremy hasn’t exactly found all the answers since then. But “I’m working on it,” he says, smiling. Concretely ? After this breakup, he actually “forces” himself to have an affair with a man. “I said to myself: she is going with a girl, I am going to have an affair with a guy. “Last year, same thing with another. In both cases, “not much happened,” he says modestly. We understand that Jérémie has more to say in terms of emotions than actions. Moreover, in both cases, he again feels like an “impostor”. Why ? “Because I don’t feel anything!” I have no feelings! Maybe I’m stuck? »
On the girls side, the experiments also stopped there. “As if I had a trauma of not being able…”
Ideas, fears, “imposture stress” and other blockages are mixed up a little in his speech. He sees himself in a relationship with a woman, but says he is rather physically attracted to men. They make advances to him, but he rejects them. He “forces” himself, but not much happens. “I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I were gay,” he says. Or straight! But I have blockages, difficulties, because I question myself all the time! »
My straight friends don’t ask questions. They are able to fully blossom. I have a blockage. When I’m with someone, it’s like I’m half there all the time…
Jeremiah
And then three years ago, Jérémie started reading, to understand, understand himself, and finally put his finger on the problem. “I’m a scientist, so it’s my reflex: I search the literature! Verdict: “What comes up a lot is this word: invisible! […] If I had seen people, Quebecers, bisexual actors, I would ask myself fewer questions. I would have a more fulfilling sexuality. There, it is not fulfilled, my sexuality! »
But he is on his way. So he started talking about it. From the outset, since then, he says it: “I am bisexual”. And each time, it provokes discussion. “I always have a reaction,” he says. It’s not something trivial. »
And that’s exactly why he wanted to meet with us. To relate. Talk about. And reduce this famous invisibility accordingly. “If it was socially normal, I feel like it would be the most beautiful sexual orientation. You can flourish on all sides and on all sides! But there is something complex, socially, invisible, taboo. All this because I am a man…”
A man who finds that tough ” : ” really toughbe who I am…”, he concludes.
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity