Posted at 4:00 p.m.
Laurence has an unmentionable fantasy. Not that much, in fact, but a little, all the same, for the feminist and egalitarian in her, in any case. Here it is: Laurence likes black people, she is attracted to black people and is frankly very turned on by black people. But no one knows.
“I am a feminist, I vote Québec solidaire […], despite all the social conscience that lives in me, I think that I am one of those who practice sexual racism, ”wrote the young thirty-year-old to us last winter, in a relationship and faithful for 15 years with the father (white! ) of his children. She was reacting to the testimony of a black man, precisely, who denounced here this famous “sexual racism” of which he feels victim.
“While I denounce the way in which we objectify the female body, I have the impression of doing the same thing with black men, she added. When I fantasize, it’s imagining a black man! »
Recently met at the Quartier Général, a charming café in Vieux-Belœil, the young woman with the big blue eyes immediately blushes in confidence. She is electric (in front of her decaffeinated coffee), speaks with her hands and literally takes her head during the whole interview. “Ostia! she giggles here and there, and several times.
She is well aware of all the contradictions that inhabit her. Because in addition, you should know that Laurence is a professor of gender ethics at CEGEP. It gives you an idea where it comes from. ” I feel guilty ! I’m so aware of the relationships of domination in society, it’s my job, I teach that! she says. I feel like categorizing, but that’s not what I want at all! It’s in spite of myself, but that’s what attracts me! […] The only men I’m attracted to other than my husband are black! »
It’s a fact: there is a group of people with a physical characteristic that attracts me!
Lawrence
She blushes even more, leans over and confides in a low voice, in a story that is ultimately more theoretical than practical, about her conflict of loyalty between her values and her underpants, her soul and her guts.
The case goes back as far as she can remember. Already as a teenager, Laurence had her eye on the only black man in her native region. “There was one! And I found it so beautiful! This is the time when she was drooling over the handsome black man in Toni Braxton’s music video, Unbreak My Heart. “It’s so cliché, but I was 14! But no, she never had a black lover. Never even kissed a black man. And it’s not for lack of having dreamed of it. “In my region, there were none! »
So she had a first boyfriend (white), then a second (still white), with whom she is still today. “And it was with him that I discovered pleasure,” she says cheerfully. The way he touches me, looks at me, speaks to me. He is gentle, good, we are not in demonstration, but in gentleness, honesty, respect. And it’s still like that today! Oh well yes! »
Because this boyfriend has it all, and she knows it. Spontaneously, and without the slightest hesitation, Laurence also states all her qualities. “He’s physically handsome, he’s smart, sensitive, funny, on-trend, I love his hands, his voice. That’s it ! »
And where does his fantasy come from, in all this happiness, then? “So I have my theory, she continues, her eyes sparkling. I am fulfilled in my life as a couple. I have everything ! »
I NEVER look away. But the exception: it’s the handsome black guys, because I don’t have that. This is the exception!
Lawrence
And that became very clear to him three years ago. It was during a trip to Cuba. On a stage, she sees a (black) man dancing. “Ow, ow, ow,” she exclaims. I understood why men go to dancers! So it’s really exciting! »
But she’s come a long way. Because basically, “exactly, she specifies, strip bars, I can’t believe that, as a society, we tolerate that. Let’s be objective at this point. […] Even if there are dancers for whom it is correct, she knows, concretely, there is a view of domination over the female body…”
But now in turn, in Cuba, therefore, Laurence objectified, let’s say, to use the expression. “Oh my God, what have I become? she adds, half laughing, half serious. Then I relativized…”
However, it didn’t stop there. Back home, Laurence started watching porn. Yes, in secret. And no, “not Erika Lust, there, not feminist porn! “. But black men with white women. “Just that,” she said, blushing again. So imagine the conflict of values for the young feminist here…
And no, she never breathed a word of it to her prince charming. “Looks like I’m afraid to scare him. As if I say to myself: what is the point? If he loves girls with big breasts, what does it give me to know? I don’t have one and I wouldn’t have one! »
She continues and puts it back: “There is nothing that will match what I have with my boyfriend, except this desire. Otherness, the other culture, fascinates me. I am fascinated! At the same time, I know that we should not categorize…”
It will be understood, Laurence is torn. Intellectually speaking, basically. And no, she has not finished intellectualizing the question. “One day I’m going to write something about the inequity between the visual stimuli that men have access to compare to women. Dance bars, how many are there? There is none left ! The idea is not to make the body of the man an object, she specifies, but to achieve a balance in the notion of heterosexual desire. »
Basically: when, socially, will we recognize that women also have desire?
Of course, this is all very theoretical. And we’re getting away from her very practical problem. Lawrence knows it. But it comes looking for her. And it seems. ” A lot. In my body. In my values. […] But I really don’t want to participate in the relationship of domination! […] Maybe I worry too much? »
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity