“The guy is mixed up,” confirms the sexagenarian in the eternal quest for a “blonde”, recently met in front of a filter coffee, in a grocery store in Sainte-Agathe. “He scraped some, relationships, because of that,” he says, “that” being what he calls his “compulsions.”
Shaved head, face just as much, Denis arrives at our interview with several pages of printed notes. He is as prepared as he is stressed. And it seems.
His discovery of sexuality? Late, replies the man, raised in a catholic family and rather practicing. “I wanted a blonde,” he recalls. But I didn’t bite. It wasn’t easy. And that’s kind of the story of his life.
Parenthesis: around the age of 12, “something” happened between him and another boy. It was a “game”. And no, the adventure does not challenge him, in terms of orientation. He does not budge: “I try to have blondes, but it does not work. »
It must be said that even at CEGEP, it’s always dead calm. Now, one evening of drunkenness, after a party, his brother-in-law, a Jehovah’s Witness, sends him an unusual invitation: “Why don’t you study the Bible with me? »
Denis accepts, always with the aim of finding “a good girl” there, he justifies. He is 17 or 18 years old. “You are fragile at that age…”
In the “Witnesses”, as he says, he makes a beautiful circle of friends, but above all and finally a girlfriend. “We went door to door together. They hold hands, but that’s where their rapprochement ends. “Not the right to do it before marriage,” he recalls. Yes, it’s “suffering”: “I was masturbating, we weren’t really supposed to […]but at some point…”
Still, the young man is not at the end of his troubles: his girlfriend, a few days before their engagement, leaves him. She is not ready to have “relationships”. “I thought about suicide,” says Denis. She was the love of my life…”
In the months that followed, “frustrated”, he went to a first strip club. He is 20 years old.
This is the first time in my life that I see a naked girl in front of me. wow! That’s wonderful ! What triggered…
Denis, early sixties
And then he meets a second girl, still with the “Witnesses”, with whom he ends up getting married, in his mid-twenties. And then ? Let’s just say the wedding night isn’t exactly as expected. “It didn’t go well. She said I was hurting her…”
Their sexuality therefore begins in pain, and quasi-abstinence. “We made love every 3-4 months…”
It was at this time that Denis turned to massage parlors. “My only way to get something was this one…” He has the “hormones in the carpet” and he knows it: “it has to happen”. This is also where he receives his very first blowjob. “That’s it, you’ve known paradise,” even said the masseuse.
We’ll spare you the details, but despite the remorse, the secrets to his wife, he returns to it repeatedly, multiplies the experiences (“I even caught chlamydia”) and eventually ends up being excluded from his congregation.
He is 30 years old, and suddenly, Denis loses all his social circle. We lose the thread a little (“we could write a book, it’s not a joke ! “), but to make it short, let’s say that after a new adventure with a “friend” with whom “things happen”, Denis meets a woman with whom he finally lives a few memorable nights. It’s a first. “She gave me more sexuality than my wife in five years. […] I felt appreciated, and it gave me confidence in myself. »
As proof, Denis later becomes a blonde (a few months), then another (three years). But despite his marital happiness and his sexuality “at home”, he can’t help it: he goes back to get a “massage”. And he doesn’t understand himself. “I always believed that my compulsion was because I didn’t have sex at home. But there, it was fine, but I still went to the massage parlor! Why this “sabotage”?, he wonders.
He ends up consulting and it is there that a sex therapist puts his finger on his “addiction” and his “compulsions”. The verdict frightens his wife at the time, who leaves him just as dry. ” I just scrap my relationship…”, laments Denis.
That’s not all. At the same time, he went bankrupt. In short, “it’s not going well”. What does Dennis do? He goes back for a massage, but this time by a man.
I often noticed that when I was disappointed in women, I turned to men.
Denis, early sixties
“But I would never fall in love with a man, specifies our interlocutor here. In my head, it’s very clear. It’s a compulsion. Like an alcoholic. It brings me a high, then I regret. »
Denis is 40 years old and he multiplies the meetings with men. “I’m not gay, that’s for sure, I like women too much,” he clarifies again. All the same, men turn her on. Bisexual, maybe? “It’s out of the question in my head to think about it,” he replies. And then, we didn’t talk too much about that at the time. ” It was 20 years ago.
Above all, he still has the same objective: “to be with a woman”.
Ten years ago, Denis falls in love with an escort. He pays for her groceries, takes her kids to the water slides. “I didn’t see it as prostitution,” he says. Except that over time and the pandemic, Madame ended up cutting ties. From ? “I have the dog to meet. I don’t know where to go anymore, he drops. I don’t trust myself anymore…”
He forgets bits of it, then changes his mind. “Oh! yes, in March, I saw a guy. But it’s just “bestial,” he says. “There is a gap to fill that is there…”
And he still continues to hope: “At some point, there is one with whom it will click, and maybe if I am happy and that it goes well with her, it will cut me the desire to ‘a man ? That would be my ideal. But does the ideal exist? Denis asks the question, then storms off into the parking lot.
*Name fictitious, to protect his anonymity