No more dreams of Prince Charming, Sarah* now wants to have more lovers. Five “sensual friendships”, she aims, and at the same time, bluntly. A wish formulated as a resolution, which is in fact the fruit of a long reflection, individual, feminist, and above all assumed. There she is.
“I felt really guilty about sexuality in my family,” begins our interlocutor, in her early forties, met virtually recently, due to COVID. Raised in France, as you might have guessed, she says she was called a “tease” by her father and grandmother, very young, and repeatedly. “I was pretty, I was attractive,” she remembers, “and instead of making others feel guilty, they made me feel guilty. »
An example ? “I was walking, people looked at me, and they said to me: stop rolling your butt! » And this is undoubtedly where her feminist streak and her current project – sorry: her “experimentation”, as she says – was born. “The idea of banging five guys at the same time comes from there,” she confirms, in a testimony shared at high speed, in just an hour, like a long-thought-out story, certainly more theoretical than practical. , although visibly ripe.
I want to find the key, in a heteronormative society, to having satisfactory relationships, when we have not been educated for that.
Sarah
Allow a slight digression. You should know that before getting to this point, Sarah also “wasted” in bed for a long time. Take a dump ? “I never learned heteronormative codes,” she explains. So “the guy who takes charge, and the girl who has to be more passive”, very little for her. On the contrary: “Me, I have always been rather voluntary […], but I was made to feel guilty in bed. ” Again ? Sarah doesn’t really go into detail here, but we understand that when she took certain initiatives, the men she knew were always taken a little by surprise and in doing so they extinguished her momentum.
“Whoa!” what are you doing ? “, he was often told. “And if I had any requests, they were never heard. » What kind of requests? We won’t really know, just that basically: “We didn’t meet our desires,” she sums up. So I stopped sleeping with him. » And thus died, slowly but surely, the sexuality of his couple. Of all his couples, from adolescence, to his entire thirties. Till today. “I have been in a relationship many times […], and all my relationships have happened this way. »
Sarah was even married for 10 years and it didn’t change anything. Nothing ? “Me, I want an exchange, a growing desire. However, right in front of me is a guy who arrives and wants to spread me out on a table to take me doggy style, without foreplay, without exchange, without play! », she illustrates.
Has she already talked about it with her partners? “There are some people you can’t talk to. »
And then there were times when maybe I wasn’t ready to discuss it either.
Sarah
But now, today, she is ready. More than ready, in fact. In her forties, Sarah, divorced for several years, began to date, as they say in Tinder language. And she decided that all she wanted was “satisfying sex with men.” Certainly, she found some. But not necessarily in the “long term”.
“So I learned to accept seducers with their positive points and their negative points. » And this acceptance is decisive: these types who are indeed “super good at connection and at sensual games” are also “incapable of lasting the long term,” she noted. Hence my idea of having five at the same time! » Do you follow the reasoning? “Okay, maybe five is a lot,” she admits with a laugh, “let’s say three guys who are afraid of commitment, but are really good at connecting!” »
There are also plenty of these kinds of “seducers,” she continues, on dating apps. “You see lots of people who say: I’m looking for a strong connection. And generally they are very good! But you can’t know if it’s going to last one night, a week, or two weeks. They want a connection, and then they panic. The idea is to maintain three or four! »
Because only one, she knows, and she risks falling back into this trap of the “dominated-dominant link”. No thanks, she said: “Heteronormative reflexes of domination no longer tempt me,” she confirms. I want something friendly-sensual so as not to get into a couple where you are the other’s mom or dad. I don’t want a guy telling me what to do, and I don’t want to be his mother either. »
Sarah, obviously, now knows what she wants. Or rather what she no longer wants. “I want a respectful relationship […] where we push ourselves to grow, and where sex is the fun! »
But I feel like I wouldn’t have that with a guy in society today, because we’re too pre-programmed to do things a certain way.
Sarah
How, concretely? : “not listening to a partner from a rhythm point of view,” she illustrates. As proof, Sarah, whose tongue is finally loosening here, has seen men “disband when you’re on top”, or even “pretend to perform cunnilingus,” she giggles. They know it’s good, but they don’t like it! »
“And that,” she intellectualizes, “is a lack of connection when you are in a consumer dynamic. »
And if his quest was one by default, do we dare? Without having had a healthy and balanced relationship, does Sarah want to juggle several “sensual” relationships? Negative. “I try to create the life I want,” she retorts. Even if it doesn’t correspond to what society wants. »
Certainly, easier said than done. If Sarah has virtual conversations with a few men these days, she has not yet found the handful of “seducers” with whom she would like to continue the adventure. “It’s not easy to meet people who are open, who connect well,” she says. I have demands! I want the guys to bring me something, I want to grow with it! » “Experimentation” to follow, therefore.
* Fictitious first name, to preserve anonymity