The Press offers you a weekly testimony that aims to illustrate what really happens behind the bedroom door, in privacy, far, far from statistics and standards. Today: René*, 60 years old
Posted October 23
René is bisexual. Although more and more to men. As a bonus, addicted to sex. A tale of the “sex journey” of a man otherwise not quite out of the closet.
Complicated ? Not much. It’s because the chic and reserved sexagenarian, who arranged to meet us one morning in the Village, has never told his story. “You can’t tell that…”, he drops.
“I was with women for a long time,” he begins, seated in front of his two bacon eggs. And no, he never questioned his orientation. As proof: mid-twenties, when friends invite him to a gay bar, it doesn’t tickle him in the least. In fact, he simply said to himself, “Well, I’m not homophobic. They are people like me. It’s still a special environment. But they are people like everyone else. That gives you an idea where he comes from. And especially all the way.
And then ? “It stayed like that, I wasn’t there. »
The years pass, René has a few blondes, but it never lasts too long. One year, maximum two. “I did not have a good family environment, he justifies. You need to have role models. At home, it was always bickering. As a couple, I’m handsome and fine, but at some point, things get complicated. In short, he is not very good in relationships, we understand.
Then, somewhere in his thirties, he moved to the region. René, who has never been too into porn, discovers the joys of the internet. “And there, it’s not the same porn. There, you see penises, you see the whole act. For his part, he sees oral sex for the first time. “And it looks like the fun, he said, smiling. And that’s how it came in. »
At some point, it became a fantasy. […] And I spent four years nurturing that fantasy.
Rein
Four years ? It is that he is far away, he recalls, isolated, without a large social network. The internet has become his friend. So yes, he was addicted. He is not shy about it. ” Yes Yes Yes. How many steps could I have taken that I didn’t? How many activities I didn’t do, because I stuck with us? »
If it confronts him? Not too. But still a little bit. ” I was alone. I wasn’t hurting anyone. But I knew that I could have done something else with my life…”
Four years later, therefore, and at the turn of the forties, a new job and a move to town later, “it’s starting to [le] itch a little more,” continues René. What exactly ? “This fantasy that I had, my curiosity increased, you tell yourself that you are going to act. And that’s exactly what he does.
We’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that her first date with a man was pretty successful. “Pfouiiiii”, he sums up, still smiling. “There, something is happening. Because when you step into it, there’s no turning back. Of course, you’re going to start over. You discover something, you want more. The machine turns on. »
And a few weeks later, again. ” With another. […] The first time, I realized a fantasy. There, it is not the same thing. That’s your sexuality you want to satisfy. Your speaking sexual appetite. »
And that night, he understands. “I won’t stop anymore. I saw it, it was going to be a problem. There is still a taboo, the risk of disease, it’s risky. »
But I won’t be able to stop. I saw him…
Rein
Still, it all takes him by surprise, he says. “I couldn’t see myself going that way. It was unexpected. »
Moreover, at this stage, he experiences a certain guilt. “But what did I do? […] You’re straight, go back to your old life! […] I tried to control myself, I was afraid of the taboo, that people know about it, all that…” But he can’t control himself. But not at all.
That year, during the holidays, he chained a dozen different men. Then on New Year’s Eve, he makes a resolution: “I’ll stop sucking. But no, he confirms with a laugh, he didn’t last long.
The months go by and the encounters multiply. In 20 years, René must have seen hundreds of men pass through. Guys he squeezes in between two professional appointments, here or there, and inevitably, he suddenly neglects other “facets” of his life. “I shortened 5 to 7, he says, or I arrived late […] it’s crazy ! »
With whom ? Almost always “anonymous” men, often married — “who spend their lives like that, their wives will never know!” —, of which he will know virtually nothing either. “I’ve been sucking you for four years, can I know your name?” “, he illustrates. Because yes, that’s how it is “in the middle”.
“And then at some point, you end up accepting what you’re doing. You have no choice but to accept it. Maybe that’s why there are tragedies. The suicide rate is high in this community. You can have big dramas … “, he adds, enigmatic.
Throughout all these adventures, René still had a few blondes (“sometimes I abstained, sometimes I cheated on them”), but today women interest him less and less. “I got caught on the other side…”
He’s not afraid to tell us. However, he never really told anyone. Why did he want to meet us, anyway? “Because at some point, it has to come out. »
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity