Posted at 5:00 p.m.
Beatrice doesn’t quite know what she is. She is looking for herself. For lack of anything better, she says to herself queer. Queer ” by default “.
“I’m going with queer by default. For lack of a better term to understand my relationship to my sexuality. »
The young woman, late twenties, gave us an appointment in the suburbs of Montreal to tell her story. “There is a big artistic vagueness, she summarizes. I’m definitely not straight, but what am I? There is a blur. »
You should know that the question is doubly important in her eyes, since she is also “passionate about words”. “I did a baccalaureate, a master’s degree and the beginning of a doctorate in the field of languages, she continues, so there is a problem of definition for me which is fundamental. Because the words are precise! “, she says, in a big burst of laughter.
The interview of a good hour around his quest for identity will also be done in this good mood, punctuated by a few moments of emotion. Tears, too. Such is life. “I’m emotional…” And it must be said that life has not always been kind to her. We will come to that.
“I knew right away that I wasn’t completely straight, it was instinctive, very clear to me. “Besides, she still remembers her first love at first sight (to date not completely absorbed) for her best friend. She must have been 14 years old. If she told him? “No, never,” she giggles louder.
This is the story of someone well in his closet. In a closet with a door wide open. However, I don’t like clothes. But this closet is very comfortable!
Beatrice, late twenties
It gives you an idea of the character. Colored. Or rather highly imaged.
Around 16, Béatrice had her first boyfriend and in doing so discovers sexuality. “I was not at the best time in my head, my high school was difficult, she drops, and he was there when I needed him. Clearly, we finally understand, Beatrice was the victim of intimidation. A long time. Many. For her looks. His style. His attitude, too. She knows it and she says it. “I’ve never been small, and I know it. And I’m socially awkward. Because I’m autistic. I had a late diagnosis. Very recently, in fact.
Still, with this first boyfriend, the beginnings are also rather “extraordinary”. “We did a lot of foreplay,” she continues, before correcting herself. “I prefer to say non-penetrative sex. It was tender, soft, it didn’t hurt. I will come back to the pain later…”
After all this “non-penetrative sex”, Beatrice thinks she is “ready”. “Yet I realized afterwards that I was not. ” How? ‘Or’ What ? “It’s as if I had a connection with childhood and my virginity. And that link broke. It freaked me out. And so the relationship ended. They never saw each other again.
And then ? “And then, I was correct. I had nothing for six years. Until she started fantasizing about being in a relationship, actually. “I like the idea of being in love. On the other hand, perhaps because of autism, I have difficulty making friends…”, she declares, her eyes suddenly full of water.
Thanks to a cousin, she still ends up having a second lover. A “nice” guy. In bed ? “Okay,” she replies. Ok, but not extraordinary. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I remember wondering if I might not be a lesbian…”
I wondered why I wasn’t having as much fun as I imagined I should be having…
Beatrice, late twenties
After three months, during a rare rather pleasant intercourse (where it “felt good, before hurting”, she will come to that later, she promises again), the condom had to “break “. And Beatrice freaked out. Because of all the implications. The contingencies. “I wasn’t ready,” she said again. I want to run away, to go as far as possible. And once again she left, and they more or less never saw each other again.
In her mid-twenties, Béatrice then left to study abroad. It is there, during a visit from her mother, that she dares a semblance of coming out. One coming out interrogation: “I don’t mind if I end up with a man or a woman,” she sums up. “And I remember my mother bursting into tears: ‘You won’t give me grandchildren…’” A thought that never left her.
Since ? Beatrice continues her reflection. She thought she might be sapiosexual (“attracted to intelligence”), or rather demisexual (“I need an emotional connection before considering sexuality”). “But even today, it’s more complicated than that. »
In what ? “Because, inside all this questioning, there is also the fact that sexuality always hurts me…”
Here we are. She slipped a word earlier. Each time, during each “penetrative” relationship, Béatrice is in pain. Days of time. Even alone, she hurts. Just recently, after buying herself toys (“because I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I want one, sexuality”), she struggled to walk for four days.
Yes, if you want to know everything, she ended up having a diagnosis: endometriosis and adenomyosis (internal endometriosis). But for lack of effective treatment, she wonders more. “With a man, it’s complicated, because I’m in pain. I don’t want to have that as a problem anymore. Suddenly, she thinks of turning frankly on the side of women. “I have to test it! »
But so far, “it’s the fallow land”…
Moreover, despite what she says about it, she is a little afraid of labels. Part of her still dreams of the classic scenario: a lover, a house, and children, above all. Hence his famous half-open “closet”.
This is precisely why she wanted to testify here. To take responsibility. In his indecision, finally. “Perhaps to help people who will recognize themselves? Make things happen ? Saying it’s okay to keep your place in the closet, but with the door open? »
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity