Posted at 5:00 p.m.
Valérie prefers monogamy. She is nevertheless in an open couple, even polyamorous, a little in spite of herself and above all out of accommodation. Jagged tale of a life rich in drama, in need of calm.
“No, I can’t say that I’m super well”, confides our interlocutor, seated in a small café in her neighborhood, after nearly two hours of loaded confidences. It’s because she’s just been through a hell of a storm.
It is told without being asked, in a story full of reflections, introspections and other digressions. Thus, the mother of a thirty-year-old family discovered sexuality early, she begins, in third secondary. If her memories are fuzzy, she remembers that she “liked it”. With a second lover in Cégep, she still appreciates the thing, nothing more. “I think I’ve always loved sex, but I know I didn’t have many orgasms before college. »
It is with the discovery of the powers of a precious “vibro” that she has her first experiences. And again, this is not a revelation. Rather an observation: “OK, that’s how I can have feelings. To this day, his toy remains his best ally here.
Valérie continues by recounting various dating, before finally returning to her remarks. “I realized that I thought that I really liked sex, she corrects herself. But subconsciously it was to keep the guys hanging on to me. Or convince them to love me? »
Yes, I liked that, but I think I would have wanted something else: affection, tenderness, commitment, that we do activities together. It was really unconscious at that time.
Valerie
Still, in her late twenties, she met her current spouse, the father of her children. It was 10 years ago. In bed ? “Well, much like with the others, my toy was introduced pretty quickly. […] I have never been transported by my sexual stories. But it’s good. »
Everything is going well until, without warning, the gentleman asks her, during one of her maternity leaves (“I was breastfeeding!”), to be in a polyamorous couple. He has just seen an old flame again and, visibly, he is troubled.
“It was horrible, confirms Valérie, whose eyes suddenly cloud over. The worst year of my life. In the months that followed, I almost broke up. She bursts into tears.
This is where the couple decides to consult. And Valérie does not hide it: the approach aims first and foremost to preserve her (young) family. The therapy stretches over years, and finally allows them to “talk to each other, know each other, understand each other”. On the one hand, Monsieur opens up about his past, Valérie about hers. Results ? “We understood our injuries, our sensitivities, and we changed our behavior […] to talk to each other better. »
Strangely, at this time, she has the libido in the carpet. “I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism, but I started having a more active sexuality. I’m embarrassed to say that, but: I wet more! »
evolution
It should be noted that throughout the process, there is not too much question of the opening of a couple. More evolution. What she doesn’t know, but what the gentleman will eventually reveal, is that on his side, he multiplies the infidelities…
“It’s sure that it put me all upside down, confirms Valérie. But after all our sessions [de thérapie], I understood … ” Moreover, the day he confided, the couple went for a walk in nature. “And we made love in the woods. I think a lot of times I use sex to prove something…”
She understood, but she was destroyed. “And we are off again for a year of drama. […] My confidence was shattered. »
That said, the therapy continues, and over time the couple are making giant strides. As proof: “We understood that it was normal to be attracted to others, and we started talking about it, continues Valérie. For him, it was liberating to be able to express his desires for others, and for me, entering them into my fantasies made them less threatening. In theory, at least.
In practice, let’s say that their first swinging experience was rather “wrongly turned screeching”. Because yes, inevitably, swinger experiences there have been. It was with friends. If, in theory still, the adventure was to allow Valérie to explore with a woman, in the end, the latter showed herself to be much more interested in her boyfriend. In fact, they were “too” attracted to each other, sums up Valérie, who ended up putting an end to the affair. But not to the project. For good reason: “It’s clear to my boyfriend that monogamy doesn’t work, she says. He has too great a need to be loved. Admired. ” And she ?
I think monogamy suits my personality better, because I need security, not to feel abandoned. But I am very aware that I can be abandoned even if I am monogamous. And maybe I have better luck with my boyfriend if there is an opening…
Valerie
During this time, the “opening” project is not put on ice, on the contrary. They multiply the steps to find partners, and end up having some “satisfying” experiences, especially in a swingers club. “But clearly, it’s a lot of effort, for little satisfaction,” slips Valérie.
Until the day when she outright proposes to her boyfriend to sleep with a neighbour. “Go ahead,” she said. Since I couldn’t find what I wanted in a trip at four, maybe it would be more the fun […] each of our side? What she didn’t see coming was that the gentleman developed feelings. And the very recent adventure has turned into a “love relationship”.
That said, Valérie is not left out. For her part, she also had an affair with another man, totally got off on it (yes, without her toy!), and her sexuality has evolved. But she is hurt. It shows. And she says it: “What is difficult in an open polyamorous couple, at least for me, is that I am easily hurt. […] It increases your vulnerability. […] We no longer have moments of calm or peace. There’s always something going to happen that’s going to hurt me…”
A few hours after our meeting, Valérie wrote this to us: “I don’t remember if you asked me why I’m staying in a polyamorous relationship if it doesn’t seem to suit me. […] I have leads. […] I love my spouse, […] I see changes in him, […] and I am very grateful to him. […] The opening […]it is often difficult, but also exciting and nourishing. […] So I figure it’s worth trying a little longer to see what the future holds. »
A week later, Valérie wrote to us again to announce that they were separating. “We came to the conclusion that my boyfriend always wanted more and that hurt me, polyamory does not work between us. »
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity