Louise began a transition by separating, very recently, around the age of 40. Gently, and “little by little”, repeats the one who, as a child, remembers different “shameful” desires. This “shame” finally behind her, here is her story.
She welcomes us with a discreet little smile, in her pretty apartment in the Plateau, one morning recently. Under her tied up curly hair and her manicured blue nails, we are far from imagining how far she has come.
However, Louise, in her early forties, was Louis* almost all her life. “I thought for a long time that it was a question of orientation,” she said straight away. And then, little by little, I understood that there was a set of things, but that gender was the biggest question. »
And that goes back a long way. Was it at age 7 or 14? Impossible to say. Still, at a very young age, our interlocutor, who we will call Louise throughout here, remembers having “discovered transvestism”. That’s the word we used at the time. “I loved wearing my mother’s clothes. » Born into a family of DIY artists, she also enjoys “tinkering” with toys. Not just any penises: “I made penises. And I discovered sodomy at that time. […] But it was something shameful! » She also stops short when a friend “makes fun” of her. “And I think that closed something…”
However, she has no interest in boys. “No, not so much, at any time…”
She experienced a “very difficult” first sexual relationship with a friend, around 17 years old. Difficult ? “I couldn’t penetrate her. It took a really long time. » Same with the few girls she then dated, before meeting, at 18, his wife, and the mother of his children.
“We were together for 20 years,” continues our Louise gently, in a tone that will never leave her during the interview, mixing confidences and reflections, the fruit of several years of therapy. It’s that in bed, things don’t really go any better. “Sexuality, for her, was not the most important thing. And it was a frustration for me for a long time. » Indeed, Louise was then “thirsty”, as she says, “to try things, lots of things, and I kept a lot of guilt in my head”.
In her head ? It is because she is “ashamed” of her desires for “feminization”, ranging from submission to sodomy, of fantasies that she now puts under the broader cover of “jealousy of the feminine universe “. So no, his “desires” are not a topic of conversation in his relationship.
It was quite frustrating. But we had so many other things in common, projects, it worked really well!
Louise
It’s with the arrival of the children that everything comes to a head. Louise has difficulty “managing”. “I found it very difficult to become a parent and to have sexual desires. […] And then, I always had a very maternal side, she analyzes with hindsight. Did that trigger anything? »
One thing is certain, she then begins to do her “experiments” again, always solo: “with toys that I bought, then threw away afterwards, because I was ashamed…”
It bothers her so much that she ends up talking about it. Finally. It’s because she wants to explore these toys and this universe of possibilities with her wife. But ma’am, less. Basically, no. “You take me as I am or not,” Louise paraphrases.
What was supposed to happen happens, and Louise, “frustrated”, ends up cheating on her. With whom ? A man, met online, a little dominant around the edges. But if she is consumed by guilt, the adventure is revealing. “And it was very strong. A great sexual discovery. […] And the BDSM side [bondage, domination, soumission, sado-masochisme] was important, she explains, because in submission, there is a laissez-faire attitude, you don’t have to act much…” And yes, that suits her. For good reason, she intellectualizes, always with hindsight: “It’s the opposite of what we understand about a man-woman sexual relationship. And it liberated me a lot sexually. »
Let’s agree, it’s far from being any clearer in his head. It must be said that at the time, “I was still in the basic binary pattern,” Louise continues. “I have been with a man, therefore I am homosexual…”, she believes.
Once again, Louise (who is still Louis, are you following?) confides in her wife, and strangely, it doesn’t go so badly. “There was so much love, and still is!” […] We decided to try to get through this. » But love is not enough, we guess. And we’re guessing right. Unable to reconcile their sexualities, they end up separating.
It was five years ago. Louise then signs up on a dating app for gay men and slowly begins to assert herself. But only in privacy. For what ?
Sexuality is a game! […] It’s not something that necessarily defines you.
Louise
At this time, Louise also opened up to her mother. “I find myself feminine and I like sexuality with boys”, she told him roughly, a confidence which made everything more “real”, she remembers, and which allowed her, in doing so, to move forward.
By consulting, discussing and dressing more and more as she sees fit, in private and “little by little” in public, Louise evolves. From straight man to gay man (a homosexuality which gave “meaning” in her head to her divorce, are you still following?), she realizes that she is undoubtedly non-binary and ultimately pansexual. Result ? Here she is again in a relationship for a few months with a woman, in a dynamic new to her, read: “between two feminine beings” and above all without penetration. Again, “it’s a discovery”. “It was really nice. […] I have evolved a lot. We talked a lot about sexuality, which didn’t exist for me before, and it was really powerful. »
Following this story, Louise asserts herself one more step (in Louise, from now on). After long months of waiting and many appointments with her therapist, she started taking hormones. It’s been six months now. “We’re moving forward,” she smiles shyly here. It’s built little by little. I am asserting myself little by little. »
Note: the more she asserts herself in her transidentity, the more intimate encounters become rare. “As if I am narrowing the field of action more and more,” she notes. It’s unfortunate, but too bad. “That’s how good I feel.” […] And I started to love myself. For the first time, I feel good in it…”
Finally, a word about his children. “They are aware of all my personal work,” assures Louise. And they take it very well. » It must be said that they are teenagers, and, a sign of the times, they are surrounded by “fluid” friends. “And that gives me a lot of courage,” she slips. To take on what I have never dared…”
* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity
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