“I think I would prefer a drink rather than a coffee…”
Jérémie* has been thinking about opening up for months, probably years. He finally found the time (and the courage!) to arrange to meet us recently, in a chic little neighborhood bar. “I’m more nervous than if I had a meeting with my banker! “, declares the forty-year-old as he sits down, semi-jokingly, before ordering a gin and tonic and diving in: “OK, I’m game ! »
He prepared notes in his phone, to organize his ideas. A life cannot be summed up in a breath, much less a philosophy. Because that’s what it will be about above all: his thoughts on his lifestyle, more precisely what he calls his non-monogamy – “ethical”, it should be noted.
“I realized to what extent people my age are programmed by the idea that monogamy is what you should live for in life. If you stray from it, you are in sin. […] But that can ruin your emotional life, and all the happiness you can feel as a couple! »
This idea did not come to him yesterday. It dates back to when he was a teenager.
I’ve always been the super loyal guy. I like long term business. But faithful? Not so much.
Jérémie, mid-forties
If he knows he is precocious (first French in fifth year, first blonde in sixth grade, first sexual relationship in third grade), Jérémie also quickly experiences a first “incident”. He must have been 14 years old. In a relationship for a few months, he dares to kiss another. “Kissing another girl is VERY serious, in secondary 2! »
Certainly, but his girlfriend survives. Basically, she tells him: “I’m not happy about this,” he paraphrases, “but I think we can get over a French. » A reflection which inhabits our man to this day, and which will produce little ones.
Another “incident”
A few years later, still with the same girl, a new “incident” occurs. This time, she’s the one sleeping with another boy. Rebelote: “We started again for the same reasons. It’s not the end of the world either, we can get through it. »
At the end of high school, Jérémie then dates a new girl. Sexually, they explore thoroughly, but the latter turns out to be significantly more jealous than the first. New revelation: “Seeing her go, I decided that I would never be jealous! »
And then at the beginning of his twenties, Jérémie met his first great love. Their story lasts 10 years. “I was very, very into her…” In bed? “Simply fantastic,” he smiled toothily. Better: “We both wanted to have experiences. » And they will live them, precisely, but with a certain supervision, which Jérémie calls here his “collective agreement”.
An example? When Madame leaves on a trip, Jérémie says to her: “Enjoy. But don’t fall in love! » For his part: Jérémie wants to experience adventures with others, which he does, with a handful of friends, and repeatedly.
With her, they “play” (because Jérémie likes to “play”, as he says) also with a friend in particular, with whom they develop a “great friendship”. “I don’t know what to call it, but it wasn’t just physical. […] I have kept this friend to this day! »
Ten years later, however, at the turn of their thirties, they end up leaving each other, for all kinds of reasons unrelated to their sexuality. Jérémie experiences great heartbreak here.
But the story doesn’t end there. A few months later, in a twist of events, he meets his current girlfriend, while he is still mourning his old one. Are you following? Umpteenth revelation: “She said to me: “You’re going to experience more pain, but that’s OK, I’m not going to feel attacked.” » To this day, Jérémie still marvels at the “maturity” of the woman he affectionately calls “my lover”.
But who says new relationship says, for Jérémie, “new collective agreement”. He bares himself, knows that he does not want strict monogamy, and also admits to having “naughty friends”.
I’m super loyal, but sometimes I’ll have adventures, it’s sure to happen! […] It’s the same for her, I don’t want her to feel guilty!
Jérémie, mid-forties
The “lover” acquiesces, even demonstrates a certain “openness”. “I want to be sure she can live with this,” he insists. And then everything is exceptional. We have chemistry, I’ve never seen that, from an intellectual and physical point of view! »
Challenges
In the first years, they actually have some experiences with friends. Even strangers, found online. Except that with time, and then children, Madame’s curiosity turns out to be more theoretical than practical. “Taking action, it’s like it’s all exhausting him. »
As for his own adventures, Jérémie also realizes that she doesn’t want to know everything. “I can hear everything. It excites me. […] She doesn’t want to know. » His motto: don’t ask, don’t tell.
We guess that all this creates a stir, and we guess right. It’s that slowly, the lovers move away. Their lovemaking becomes more spaced out, and what was supposed to happen happens: Jérémie ends up feeling more wanted in the arms of another.
He doesn’t hide it: “It was a difficult ordeal. » It was at the turn of the forties, and they then consulted. Objective: “reconnect with someone lost”. A relative gives them this particular advice: make love every night for a week. “Tabarnouche, it worked! […] To this day, when it doesn’t work anymore, we make love three nights online! »
From ? Jeremy learned. “I understood that we don’t have the same brain. For a long time I thought that people saw things the way I did, but that’s not true. » If his lover doesn’t want to know (don’t ask), he will respect it. Besides, he sees a childhood friend a few times a year and she doesn’t know it explicitly.
And I feel balanced having this other person in my life.
Jérémie, mid-forties
What if he still sleeps with his lover? “But yes, regularly, absolutely! » And this is undoubtedly the highlight of his reflections: “I wouldn’t have adventures with someone else if with my lover it wasn’t vibrant and fun! […] My girlfriend, I’m in love with her, I want to die with her, I still think I’ll want to fuck her in 20 years! »
This is what he wants us to remember from his story: “a couple can be so much more lasting if we allow ourselves to live more than one experience at a time! “, he says. Hence the expression he favors today: “ethical non-monogamy”. “I like it, it allows you to experience an emotional attachment, with your visor up, while respecting your commitments! […] Because guilt and sexuality generally don’t go well together…”
* Fictitious name, to protect anonymity