Posted at 6:00 p.m.
It’s true: men would all benefit from consulting. Sébastien knows it, he did it. Notice to interested parties: it also helped him to meet the woman he was looking for.
“I have to say with sadness and dismay that, as a man in my 40s, I generally share [ce] observation: men often look for a mother, without even being able to admit it. […] Sad like that”, he wrote to us at the beginning of the year, in reaction to the text “outburst” of a woman named Catherine*, discouraged by the “unreliable” single men he met. Basically: “Go consult! she swung without hesitation.
In a virtual interview recently, the forty-year-old with a shaved head is over. “But completely! he laughs. And that’s also what all her friends confirm to her: the guys online? “All morons! »
“I try to do useful work. There is no shame in wanting to solve your problems. Men realize this too late, and jump from one relationship to another without asking too many questions. Me, I did it, the approach, says Sébastien. Am I the exception that proves the rule? »
It should be noted that his “approach” also bears a singular resemblance to that of the Catherine in question: like her, he separated, took advantage of his celibacy to read and educate himself, then online, he also lent himself to a small “anthropological experiment” to understand the “clientele” to be targeted. If Catherine put her expert eye on “helping relationships”, Sébastien, meanwhile, took a marketing approach. You will quickly understand why.
But first, a bit of history: Sébastien discovered sexuality around 16, with a “blonde” a little older than him, and above all more “experienced”. “She made it clear: she was 100% clitoral,” he recalls. So that opened my mind a lot. […] She accompanied me in the discovery of the female body. »
After this first love affair, he spent a few years alone, more or less in spite of himself.
I’ve always had difficulty with women, courtship, finding the right tone…
Sebastian
Then, in his early twenties, he met the mother of his children, with whom he spent 20 years. In bed ? “Very well,” he said, while qualifying quickly. “We weren’t very, very hot rabbits. Above all: they didn’t have the same sleeping habits. “It limited things: I am an insomniac, she is an accomplished sleeper. “Nevertheless, it was not really an” issue “, he assures. And their weekly antics satisfied him.
What changed everything was not the children, but rather when both of them were promoted to become managers. “Immediately, the frequency and the quality deteriorated a lot. “It must be said that for her part, Madame “was accomplished”, on her side, it was a “professional failure”. “It didn’t really work anymore. It was more and more distanced. We were down to a few times a year by the end. »
At the time, Sébastien wanted to go to therapy. Madame refused. And so the relationship ended. It was a few years ago.
“It was a very depressing moment. I found it very difficult, ”he drops. And it was at this precise moment that Sébastien decided to consult. Where ? How? ‘Or’ What ? Through an employee assistance program, offered by its box.
It is not widely known: all employers of a certain size must provide this assistance program. Me, I had six sessions of psychotherapy, paid for by my employer!
Sebastian
Through this introspection, Sébastien also takes the opportunity to educate himself: on psychology, the couple, sexuality, there is no shortage of books on the subject (“there are so many!”). What is he holding back? Not complicated: “You have to settle your bugs! »
Then quietly, he dares, and registers on a dating application. “It’s important to have someone in my life, I have love to give, someone has to take advantage of it! Except that like many before him, it doesn’t work, but not at all. Think: zero reaction. “On a personal level, it’s very hard. »
But as he comes from the world of finance, Sébastien seeks here to understand why: “There must be something I am doing wrong. In marketing terms, there must be a question of product placement here? »
And it is there that he discovers that there is an industry of coaches online, that he clears the way algorithms work, in short, that he understands that the “swipe by the ton” strategy is not the right one. But really not. “It devalues the medium,” he sums up. So it’s not a winning strategy. You have to go more sparingly! »
Sébastien therefore decides to change “medium”, to target something that looks like him: a dating site for professionals, looking for other professionals. “And I kept my eyes fixed on my goal,” he insists, continuing, as we will have understood, with his financial metaphor. Goal ? “Find me a blonde. » Strategy? “A line of attack! » A sentence, a starter, to provoke conversation! Madame says she likes independent music? “I’m a huge Smashing Pumpkins fan,” he said. “Does it work or not…”
It’s a way to communicate. With any luck, it creates a smile. It gives a positive twist to the exercise, which is off-putting in itself.
Sebastian
And obviously it works. With his business “strategy”, Sébastien met several people. A first for a few weeks, with a woman who was only looking for a lover here. And the adventure, for Sébastien, was therapeutic. “It brought to light that I could be desirable,” he said. It gave me a lot of confidence. »
Better: “Suddenly it settles things, and I was able to look for something deeper than just sexual. »
He sought, and he found! It’s been a little over six months, and seeing him all smiles for the camera, we understand that he’s not lying: “It’s going very well! »
His (business) advice? “Both women and men need to approach the medium for what it is: a means to an end. But it is important to determine the objective! »
In his case: “It’s perfect. I found someone with a very high libido, but it doesn’t stop there! There has to be something else: a real connection. And that’s what I have! »
* Fictitious first names, to protect anonymity