Attention, taboo subject: disease and sexuality. When one falls ill, should we offer an “opening” to the other? That’s Melinia’s opinion, anyway. As painful and counter-intuitive as this choice is. Here’s why.
The fifties set us a virtual appointment (distance and condition oblige), earlier this fall, to tell us about her case: about her lover, her “soul mate”, as she says, and also about her illness. It’s because Melinia has multiple sclerosis. And yes, it is disabling. Physically, we know, but also sexually. But no one says so.
“Whether we like it or not, it affects the body, the mind, the life of a couple in general, but we don’t hear about it! […] The whole body can be numb! »
So let’s talk about it.
Everything had however started rather well for Mélinia, who “always liked sex”, as she confides from the start, lying on a sofa, in her soft and calm voice. Not to be confused with “making love”, two “completely different” things, she takes care to specify. So after a first “not terrible” experience at 16 (with a friend, to “move on to something else”), Mélinia dares several “experiments”, she recalls. “I have known several men, experienced one night stands, pleasant experiences. More or less tender. It allowed me to know what I wanted to live. »
It must be said that this is the advice that his parents gave him: “To really know what you want to experience, you have to discover men. »
Message understood. Through her explorations, Mélinia also loved some of them, notably the father of her children, a story that lasted five years.
“With him, the sex was okay, yes, but we didn’t explore much. It is certain that by getting pregnant quickly, we often put this aspect aside, unfortunately. And I say: unfortunately…”
Mélinia then spent five years with another man, with whom sexuality took on more importance this time. “Yes, we explored more. But certainly when you explore, the other person has to be open. »
Me, I’ve always been very tactile, I need to play games, explore tools, you have to be very comfortable with your sexuality to do that.
Melinia
But sir, one guesses, was “less.”
It is finally with her current lover, her “soul mate” as she repeats, and for more than 20 years now (“we are even more in love than ever!”), met at the turn of the thirties, that Mélinia lives a truly fulfilling sexuality. “At the beginning, it was a stampede, she smiles, during the first years, we made love everywhere, we explored, he was open to everything. He was more than open, he wanted to show me! »
She is full of praise: “He is a suave lover, an erotic lover! “, she says, remembering once in the sea, another in a stairwell, games, photos and other assumed experiments. “With him, I was never afraid of being judged. And that doesn’t just allow you to go into fantasy, but sometimes to go beyond yourself! »
She pauses, thinks (remembers?), then adds: “The first years were very, very strong. »
The fall
And then slowly, strange symptoms began to appear (generally, 10 years before a diagnosis, she slips). “I was more tired. I had less tolerance. And then I was hypersensitive…” Not to mention the pain here and there. Everywhere.
“Nowadays I use cannabis to deal with it, otherwise I go numb. In my mind, my body, my soul…”
Little by little, his body no longer followed. Gone are the hours of massaging her lover. “I was no longer capable…” As a bonus, and around the age of 40, his libido dropped drastically. Obviously, this “played” on his couple. “Things are no longer the same, so we ask ourselves: is it me, you? It affected our morale. We still love each other, but neither of us understands what’s going on. »
She suspects nothing, until, around 45, the diagnosis falls. “I had to fall face down to consult…”
You are spared the depression that followed (“We no longer know which way to take life. You fall, nothing works, in every sense of the word…”). Obviously, their sexuality took quite a hit.
I didn’t want to know anything anymore. Nothing answered…
Melinia
Exit the ardor, they started to make love once a month, and again, “in a very basic way”. “I hurt all over…”
Besides, she doesn’t quite know why she conjugates here in the past tense. “Sometimes when I take cannabis, it’s less bad. Sometimes, we forget that… Even kissing is difficult! »
Despite everything, they continue to be just as amorous, tactile, clingy. Long nights. “And God knows if I’m shaking, but he’s still glued…” If the disease has taught him anything, it’s this: the importance of enjoying what she can, here, now . “Enjoying those I love even more. »
Nevertheless, mourning is not easy to live with, and it shows. “Because we need to feel, to feel that we exist! In making love, there is this whole sensation of feeling that we belong to each other, that we are one, even. My God, I miss my love. I miss myself! continues Mélinia, her eyes suddenly full of tears. “Sex has always been something that drew us to each other, putting that aside is huge for the person he is. And the person that I am! »
This is why, and for some time now, Mélinia has been suggesting that her lover go elsewhere. “’I wish you had a mistress. To keep exploring you. More than that: for this part where we are light, happy, for the adrenaline that it brings. Me, I could give him the possibility of continuing to live his sexuality. […] It would do him good to take care of himself, he takes care of me all the time. Take care of the man, not just my love, but the man he is! Mélinia would even be ready to be there. See this. But sir doesn’t want to. He really doesn’t want to know. “He only wants me…”
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity