Today: Gilles*, 74 years old
Gilles had a fairly “unbridled” sex life, without ever managing to settle down. However, since his prostate cancer, it has been nothing. Downright “arid, desert and monastic”. Interview with a man who no longer has desire, even less pleasure, who now dreams of tenderness. In vain.
“People have no interest in meeting me, they go running,” confides our 74-year-old interlocutor, a retiree with a bohemian air, met in a chic café in the Village, a stone’s throw from his home.
From the outset, Gilles makes it clear that he is not unhappy. “I’m not here to feel sorry for myself, I have a good life, all the same,” he says quietly, between two sips of decaf. Shortly, he is going on a trip. He has a good lifestyle, really. Embarrassed and a bit stressed, he’s also not sure why he’s there.
It must be said that he wanted to cancel, but we kindly insisted. For good reason: “I would like to show facets that people don’t see. [Le cancer de la prostate], people don’t realize what it is. » So, let’s talk about it.
He begins his story at 6 years old. “Because in my timeline, I was touched,” he lets fall. Be careful: “We shouldn’t be afraid of this,” he adds, “it wasn’t the end of the world. » And no, he never talked about it. And we won’t know any more.
His active sexual life began strictly speaking as a teenager, with a close family member. “I knew I was attracted to men, it was quite obvious,” he summarizes, without dwelling on it either.
He knows it, but it’s not exactly what he wants, we understand. As proof: at university, Gilles married a woman, but not because of any “social pressure”, he takes care to specify. Why then ? “I don’t want to be homosexual,” he replies. What I see is not edifying, they are very effeminate men…”
I don’t want to be that…
Gilles, 74 years old
What if he sleeps with her? Certainly, “but it is not [sa] cup of coffee,” he says with a chuckle.
And then a year later, love at first sight, our Gilles meets “love”. He divorces, and this affair lasts four years. We understand that he is finally living his life as a gay man, but it’s not all rosy either. Completely the opposite. “He was so jealous, it was unbearable. ” End of the story.
So here is Gilles, early twenties, single. It is there that he finally fully lives this life which he describes as “unbridled”, with “elaborated” sexuality, he says. Elaborate? “I met a lot and we did all kinds of dirty things,” he illustrates. But still ? “Homosexual sexuality,” he sums it up simply.
He’s attracted to handsome guys (and those aren’t necessarily his best moves, he’ll come back to that), he goes on one-night stands, sometimes longer, for a year or two, here or there. He even stretches a relationship over 10 years, but after just a few years, he will look elsewhere, his partner the same. In short, he flutters, we understand.
“It was nice, but at some point, I don’t want to live like that for the rest of my life, it doesn’t make any sense,” he realizes, in his mid-40s. At the same time an illness appeared which also cooled him down.
“So I decide to find a serious boyfriend. But it’s not easy to find someone to have a stable relationship! »
To this day he has never found it. That’s not all: “The worst that happened to me, around 60, was prostate cancer,” he adds, without transition.
Gilles suddenly becomes more talkative. It’s because from one day to the next, without warning, his body changes. Not half: “I stopped having ejaculations. » In his case, this means: “I stopped having enjoyment. »
Note that there are different types of cancers, different treatments, and above all different reactions. Gilles’ brother, for his part, did not have the slightest side effect. “I didn’t know it was a risk, but it wouldn’t have changed anything,” he explains. I wouldn’t have put my life in danger for that. »
If you want to know everything, Gilles still has erections, but they don’t lead anywhere. Imagine the shock: “immense,” he confirms. “It’s immediate. And it’s dry, dry, dry…”
I felt diminished. [Perdre ses éjaculations]this is not trivial!
Gilles, 74 years old
Above all, he felt that his body and his person were losing their attractiveness. “People are not interested!” », he repeats, pointing out that he has not had any encounters worth mentioning since.
If he sought help? No. “But I have to say it: I wasn’t too unhappy,” he insists. Because when I lost that ability, I also lost the desire to have sex, so that helped a lot. »
As if, without enjoyment, his sexuality lost all its meaning in his eyes. “There are men who say they come inside, but I don’t understand that. » He apologizes for being so crude, but adds: “Yes, I always masturbate, hoping to ejaculate, but it doesn’t work.” » Nothing compared to the explosions of happiness to which our man was accustomed, let’s say.
It’s been more than 10 years and Gilles can’t get used to it. It is not the act that he lacks, as we will have understood, but above all everything else. “What I miss, even today, is tenderness, cuddles! That’s what I want, but we can’t find any more! People my age, they’re looking for people half their age! » And yes, he lets it go, he feels alone. “Yes, at times…”
Her cry from the heart resembles that of so many women of the same age. Besides, he thought (only for a moment) of going to look in that direction. But no. “But there has to be an attraction!” A homosexual man is attractive to men! There are some who are good, but… not me! »
Looking back, Gilles knows: his younger lifestyle undoubtedly harmed him. “Maybe I should have stopped at people who were worth it. I stopped at those that were less worth it. » So if his story speaks to you, remember this, he concluded as he left us: “Stop going from one person to another! Stop by someone! »
* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity.