Posted at 4:00 p.m.
No, it’s not because we like girls and boys that we are necessarily unstable. To put an end to the “plug in” heard or felt, Caroline confides.
And she has a lot to tell. For a good two hours, in a virtual interview, the forty-something redhead from Charlevoix tells us the story of her life, from her first explorations to today, including her troubled relationship with labels. Because no, being bisexual is not necessarily well seen in the gay community, let’s say. We will come to that.
“Quite quickly, I was curious, I wanted to try,” she said. And I did my first explorations with a friend. »
It was somewhere in my early teens. “It was not unpleasant”, but nothing more. Still, it confronted her enough for her to ask herself the question: “Am I a lesbian?” And then she turned (closed?) this page, without ever talking about it again.
Caroline then chained the lovers (“I was the wild of the gang”), and continued the “exploration” with them. “And the longer it went, the more fun I had. […] I don’t remember at what age I reached orgasm, maybe 17 or 18? It was with her boyfriend at the time, a guy she liked “like crazy,” by the way.
“And it was with him that I had the most pleasure. […] Maybe because there were feelings? »
In her early twenties, she met her “spouse”, with whom she spent seven years. “He was lovely. It was satisfying, I had an orgasm almost every time,” she says. But we guess from his tone that something was wrong. “I’ve never had butterflies,” she confirms. And I didn’t love him as I would have liked to love him. I questioned myself often. »
At the same time, a colleague at the time, a woman, therefore, really had an effect on him, not nearly. ” But what is this ? she wondered.
It tortured my mind: I was in a relationship, we were planning to get married. For me, he was the father of my children!
carolina
A little research on the internet to put words to this “torture” later and Caroline came to the conclusions: “Obviously, I am bisexual! »
She ended up slipping a note to her spouse and he (surprise!) supported her: “If you need that in your life, I’m ready to accept it. But you have to try yourself. Basically: if you think you’re bisexual, explore that side, I accept you as you are.
Except here it is: the exploration was a revelation. “I really liked it,” she says, smiling. I just wanted to start over! I didn’t have a blunt joint, but I really liked the smoothness. This listening. In any case, there was a chemistry that was there. »
And what had to happen happened: conversely, she began to not want her spouse too much, and one thing leading to another, they ended up separating. We understand that the affair tore her apart. “I really didn’t want to hurt him,” she says. It was really difficult…”
And the girl ? Hold on tight: their affair lasted four years. “And I learned a lot with her,” Caroline said smiling again. I discovered myself sexually. Their greatest asset? “Communication,” she replies, without the slightest hesitation. “We really communicated a lot. »
Hence his conclusion, and his coming out, of the time: “I have thought a lot and I have a clear preference for sexuality with women. I’m not bad with men. But sexually, I prefer with women…”
At the turn of their thirties, however, their relationship stalled: new heartache. Caroline left for Paris to “dress her wounds”. There, she fell in love with a French woman. Their affair lasted another six years. “And I was so madly in love…”
Certainly, but not so fulfilled sexually, strangely. “At first, yes, but the routine came quite quickly. And the communication wasn’t really there. It was more difficult. Like what the difficulties in the field have no sex. She can testify to this: “Ah no, sincerely no…”
It must be said that the couple went through their share of hardships (think: bereavement, a difficult failure in fertility treatment, etc.), and in her mid-thirties, Caroline found herself once again with a “big heartbreak “.
There followed a few short adventures and other encounters here and there with often unstable girls, lacking in commitment, who all ended badly (even in a “catastrophic” way). So much so that Caroline has had enough of it.
It doesn’t work with women! I was starting to think it was too complicated…
carolina
Complicated because quickly emotional, too emotional.
Parenthesis: Caroline confides to us, at this precise moment of the interview, that it was at this time that she also began to be “bored” of labels. “I always said I was a lesbian, she drops. Being bi, it’s not very well seen…” Not well seen? How many times has she heard it in the gay community, that one: “Me, I couldn’t go out with a bi. She does not expand on the subject, but we understand that in doing so, she is silent. Because she knows: “If I’m also attracted to men, should I identify as bi? But I know it’s not going very well. » End of parenthesis.
And in the midst of questioning (fed up?) identity, Caroline therefore begins to “re-flash” on men. It was just before the pandemic. “I wanted to try, but it looks like I was a little scared! Fear of a bad experience! I had spent 15 years without! »
Finally, she dared. Dipped. And don’t regret it. Far from there. “So it’s really fun! “, she realized, after an adventure (or two? We lost the thread) “pleasant”, “satisfactory”, in short, fulfilling, on the men’s side.
Above all: it was not complicated as with his past female relationships.
“I like simplicity with a guy, she confirms. It’s less emotional, I think. »
So here it is today. Single and “open to both”, as she says: “I would like a stable relationship. With a man. Or a woman. But I don’t see myself with a man anymore. […] Looks like I’m here. »
But no, that does not mean that she is “unstable”. Or that she has trouble “connecting” so far. Besides, why should we absolutely connect?
“To be bisexual, she believes, is to be sexually attracted, to be able to fall in love, and to be able to maintain a relationship with a man or a woman. Neither more nor certainly less.
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity