Press offers you a weekly testimonial that aims to illustrate what really happens behind the bedroom door, in the privacy, far, far away from statistics and standards. Today: Philippe *, early fifties.
Philippe had a checkered love life, punctuated by two toxic, downright “monstrous” relationships. Because yes, conjugal violence is also suitable for women. Maintenance.
“It’s taboo to say it,” he confirms, “and the world has a hard time believing you. The world judges you. I get it: 95%, maybe more, of the violence comes from guys. But it does exist … ”
Evidenced by his scar on his face and his past of often unhealthy stories, with heartbreaking outcomes.
The man, a sturdy fifty-something with tender eyes, made an appointment with us in a restaurant in the suburbs of Montreal to tell his story. And despite a slight stress perceptible at first, an obvious shyness, he finally plunges into his story with both feet. “I had a funny love life. Bad luck, ”he begins, sipping his latte. Even if everything started off if not well, at least without anything in particular to report.
First sexual relationship? Around 18, with her “first love”, a “really good” girl, however from a family “from another time”. The story, although sexually “flat”, still lasts four years.
First “monster”
In his early twenties, Philippe entered the labor market – an essentially female environment, where he would find most of his lovers over the years, it should be said – before meeting, a year later, the future mother of his children. , and his first “monster”. “At the time, she looked really good,” he slips, speaking with his hands, a habit that will not let go of the interview. And he fell in love with her “too quickly”, even if it never clicked in bed (“I didn’t have much experience or confidence in myself, that’s the story of my life … »), And that quickly, she was demeaning. “She called me loser, thick, in front of everyone. Criss of fagot. She always discredited what I did… ”, he said, speaking here of the“ verbal abuse ”of which he was the victim. Far from his family, without relatives or friends, Philippe cashed in. Years of time. Until the day he found out she was cheating on him. With a handful of men, on top of that. Less than ten years and two children later, they therefore separated.
We spare you the painful details (mental health problems on the Madam’s side, court debates, etc.), but the fact remains that Philippe ended up having sole custody of his children. This does not prevent him, a few months later, and in spite of a bruised pride, to meet a “really good girl”, as he says. In bed: “Generous. We were on the same wavelength. I am a bit the same. A significant relationship for Philippe, even if it is short-lived. For good reason: “I understood that it existed, a girl easy going, not manipulative, who says the real things, for whom affection is important, and sex too. ”
At the start of his thirties, single again and armed with good babysitters, Philippe decides to “have fun”. “I hadn’t had a youthful life that much,” he explains, and let’s say he made up for it. For his greater good.
I gained confidence. It showed me that what my ex-wife was saying was not true …
Philippe
No, he was not a “no good”, and yes, he liked him.
That said, he never hurt anyone, he takes the trouble to clarify. He has always been clear in his intentions. “Always with respect,” he assures us. And that was very important to me: that everyone have fun. Because one of the only things in life that is free, and really, really fun, is that! ”
Life takes its course and, somewhere in his mid-thirties, Philippe then meets the “most significant” person in his life. A beautiful story that lasts seven years, even if not, it was not the most fulfilling sexually (but they had common values), which unfortunately ends tragically: with the accidental death of a child. “I lived through tough business, but that…”, drops Philippe in a whisper. We do not go on forever on the subject, but we understand that the couple did not survive this.
“I was not well. Really not good. I tried to put my head above water, ”confides our man painfully. He continues his story, recounting a few flames, here and there, against a permanent “background of sadness”, before coming, at the start of his forties, to the highlight of the discussion.
Second “monster”
Here we are: again, at first glance, nothing appears. “She was super beautiful. Super, super beautiful. She had it all, he said. And there, I asked myself the question: but what does she find in me? I am very ordinary. Colleagues believed her. She flashed ! ”
Their first times together are moreover “really fun”. Gender? “Really great,” he repeats. She was not afraid of anything … ”
Except that little by little, Madame became jealous, possessive, imagining threats everywhere. “The crises have become more and more intense. Think: slamming doors, throwing objects, etc. “And she was buying peace with sex. She wasn’t apologizing, but we were having a hell of a fuck. […] The more intense the seizures, the more intense the sex. ”
Philippe felt “bad, really bad”, he continues, “caught in a vicious circle”, until the day when Madame slapped him, so hard that some colleagues noticed: “You have fingers stamped in the face… ”
“I tried to get myself out of this, but then she would fall into a state of great kindness. She bought me gifts: a $ 300 watch! ”
Until the ultimate crisis: a violent punch that fractured his face and completely broke a tooth. Not to mention the broken plates, the knife, the stapler and other sharp objects thrown in the process.
“It was the doctor, a woman, who recommended that I file a complaint,” Philippe remembers, recounting his stay in the emergency room. He still remembers it. “It was appalling. The police laughed at me: “You’re a man, why didn’t you defend yourself, come on! It can’t be! ” […] I pity women who get beaten up… ”Some friends called him“ soft ”, while others suggested that“ maybe ”he deserved it…
This is where it is today. A post-traumatic shock, a work stoppage and years of therapy later (not to mention a move and a new job in a new city, very soon), Philippe has come a long way. His presence in front of us testifies to this. But he did not give up hope. “When something happens to you, you have two choices: you learn, or you pity. I chose to learn. ”
He worked a lot on him, did a family introspection (his father was also a “slack”, he says, maybe he replay some “patterns”) and here is his conclusion: on the importance of respecting his limits, and respect each other at all. “I’m not a firecracker, I’m a normal guy, but I’m worth something. I’m not worth that… ”he said.
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity.
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