It happened when he was 6 or 7 years old. He never told anyone about it. But he never forgot it. And certainly, he believes, it has colored his life. And not exactly for the better.
Mathieu, in his late fifties, arranged to meet us at a Starbucks in Laval to confide. He is “nervous”, he says straight away. And it seems. “I’ve never said that to anyone, it’s way too embarrassing! he slips down. It was the early 1970s […], a little guy, it doesn’t talk about those things! »
But now, it’s time. “I’m turning 60, and I can’t believe it hasn’t happened to other people besides me. I have never read, seen or heard anything about it. So if it can help…”, he says, to justify this sudden need to speak.
Let’s talk about it. “It’s quite simple, I lived with my parents and my cousin came to watch us…” She was twice his age and he remembers her down to the smallest detail. “We watch TV, sitting on the brown sofa. And she gropes me. »
Without warning, Mathieu bursts out laughing. “I had a lot more surprise than pleasure”, he justifies. We understand that he didn’t understand at the time what was happening to him: “I’m surprised, I’m not moving, I don’t know what to do. […] And not just once. Several times ! Half a dozen times.
New surprise: a few years later, when he “woke up to sexuality”, as he says, Mathieu wanted to see her again. He laughs harder. “There, I understood, he explains, all smiles. And I made advances to him! Like: do you remember? Would you like it? Answer: negative. “She understood that it wasn’t right…”
And he, with hindsight, did he feel attacked? Mathieu regains his seriousness and takes a moment to answer. We guess that the answer is not simple. “I felt uncomfortable, he nuances. Assaulted: I didn’t know what it was. We will come back to this.
It colored the whole nature of the relationships I had with the girls…
Matthew, 59 years old
That, in addition to a complicated relationship with his father, from whom he has tried all his life to be loved. But we’re getting off topic (although not that much, you’ll see).
This is because sexuality subsequently took a very important place in his life, omnipresent in his head, almost omnipotent. As soon as a girl is interested in him, or vice versa, his only way to “validate” this interest is to sleep with her.
An example ? Mathieu is in CEGEP and is taking part in a play. There are two directors, four actresses. “My goal is to hit them all the gang,” he illustrates. Which it does, with one exception.
“I’m an outgoing guy, he continues, I have a nice circle of friends, the girls come to me. But not one remains. What’s wrong? ” Me ! answers our man without hesitation. I’m in too much of a hurry! That doesn’t make sense! I court very little, I consume, and it’s over! »
He thus “consumes” dozens of girls (“oh boy, maybe forty? “) until he was 22, before finally having his first blonde. “And her, it was laborious, to win her! […] Maybe that’s why it took longer? »
The story lasts for a while, she cheats on him, then Mathieu resumes his “merry-go-round”, multiplying his “adventures” without tail or head (or tomorrow). “I’ve done so much bullshit,” he confirms, recalling his impulse trips to “get some ass” here, or “get laid” there. “But it took me that, he remembers. The urgency of having this. An emergency linked to his history and all his memories, he insists.
It’s always stuck in my head, always, all my life.
Matthew, 59 years old
And no, these adventures do not really satisfy him. “It’s like fast food, he compares. It filled me with nothing. Emotionally, it was empty. »
At the end of his thirties, Mathieu ends up settling down, with a “flat on the end” girl in bed. Why exactly? “I wanted a family. And she seemed like a good mother. “What it is,” he says. Except that, of course, I cheated on her…”
And “obviously” they left each other. Since then, Mathieu has met yet another woman, the last one in the running, in fact. It’s been over 10 years. When he meets her, he sees “stars”. “We communicate well, we like the same business, the sexuality is great. »
Precision: sexuality was awesome. Because, and now Mathieu surprises us again, “our sexuality is at zero today! ” Zero ? “And I’m happy! “, he adds. Thrilled ? We thought we had figured out the character, but we got it all wrong. “It has so much drive and polluted my life! […] I don’t miss it at all! I’m so good, Silvia! To no longer have that pressure! Until a few years ago, I was a kid, you had to fuck all the time! »
But what happened? Several things, no doubt. Among other things, Mathieu suffered from depression. “I took medication and it never came back. But I’m quite happy! I can look a woman in the eye without always trying to see her cracked breasts. Damn it’s liberating! »
He’s been confiding in himself for an hour and Mathieu hasn’t finished surprising us. We dare to raise it with our famous question: was he attacked, according to him? “I say no, but…yes,” he thought again. Yes, but… how would I phrase that? Yes, but I don’t blame him. […] I know it had a negative impact on my life, but I don’t blame anyone. You have to learn to manage. To forgive. Move on. » Moreover, he concludes, « it’s not that which hurt me the most, but… but the absence of ties with my father! »
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity
Some resources
The Marie-Vincent Foundation helps children and young people who are victims of violence. It helps to prevent sexual violence
Info-help sexual violence offers listening, support and referrals for victims of sexual assault, sexual exploitation and any other form of sexual violence
Such. : 1 888 933-9007