Today: Suzie*, mid-40s
Suzie was betrayed, then betrayed in turn. And it is obviously immensely more complicated than anything one could imagine. Summary of a checkered life.
Forget “the perfect little family” here. “I wanted to show behind the scenes. Behind the door, that’s it: there are all kinds of stories…”
The chic forty-year-old arranged to meet us in an anonymous food court in the city center. Blonde, with her confident gait, she exudes both strength and fragility. This is because his eyes will often fill with water during his testimony. Let’s just say she has a lot to tell.
She met her husband in her mid-twenties. He is the second man in her life, after a first teenage love which lasted 10 years and which was not exactly easy. In bed, she slips: “it was good, but rough. […] It’s already happened that he penetrated me with something else, telling me that I didn’t deserve it…”
We can imagine his happiness, therefore, in meeting the man who would become the father of his children. “I found him so perfect compared to the other: gentle, loving, generous, he wanted children! He took me as I was. It was extraordinary. »
The chemistry is there. “It was wow. I like intensity, I don’t like routine. And we’ve done this in all sorts of places. He made me feel beautiful all the time. »
The honeymoon lasts for a while. “And then we settled down. »And Suzie got pregnant. Around the same time, her husband lost a loved one, a loss that devastated him. “But I didn’t see how unwell he was,” says Suzie, who is giving her all to her new mission: motherhood. Certainly, their sexuality then drops to zero, and this, during the nine months of her pregnancy (and more). “Yes, I found it strange,” she confirms, “but I put it down to mourning. »
Only here: a colleague of the gentleman perceives his distress. She gives him a pole. And what was supposed to happen happens: he cheats on Suzie. The affair lasts a few months.
And then, one day, he told me that he had cheated on me. My world is falling apart.
Suzie, mid-40s
“I don’t understand,” she continues softly, her big blue eyes suddenly wet. “We just got married. It’s not me who stopped sex, it’s him! »
The new mother, in her mid-thirties, wants “at all costs” to understand what happened and they begin therapy together. “The psychologist saved us,” she says here. Because when she meets, she quickly understands one thing, undoubtedly the most important: “We loved each other!” »
Still, she knows: “You have to be strong as a titi to accept that…”
The therapy stretched over several years and to this day, Suzie regrets nothing. It’s been almost 10 years, and “I have never regretted having stayed, even if the consequences are immense”, she adds. And not least. Indeed, at first, their sexuality takes off again. “The fear of getting lost brings you a lot closer. […] But it doesn’t last long. » In fact, “it runs out,” she says, very quickly, and above all: completely.
Together, they will have another child, and their sexuality will, so to speak, end there. From ? ” Nothing at all. And he can’t explain why. […] He consulted, but he doesn’t know why. » It’s been almost 10 years and she can count their connections on the fingers of one hand.
“On the emotional side, he is present,” she says. He takes me in his arms, tells me that I am beautiful, that I am good, he is still impressed by me and I am by him. »
But on the sexuality side, it’s nothing. At first, she thought he was cheating on her. “I still have my old ghosts. » But no, he assures us. He doesn’t even masturbate anymore. “He doesn’t want to anymore. ” Point.
End of the story ? Completely the opposite. For her part, and for several years, Suzie has had her libido under control. “It’s terrible,” she finally smiled. I am a different person! I’ve had several cosmetic surgeries, I feel good about my body, I thought it would benefit me and… no. He says he knows he’s neglecting me, but nothing more happens. » Suzie tried everything.
Sexy outfits, movies, parties, no: I still have affection, but it never goes further.
Suzie, mid-40s
What if she thought about leaving him? dare we. “Yes, but I love him!” There is no one else I would want to marry! […] Together, we have lots of things in common! »
So to avoid becoming “frustrated, bitter, impatient and upset”, to fill this “component” as she says, which she misses “tremendously”, a few years ago, Suzie registered on an extramarital relations site. Since then, she has met a few men and ended up settling on one whom she secretly sees a few times a month. “Who can stop having sex for the rest of their life? »
With this man, she rediscovered the joys of kissing, but also of feeling a hand brush against her breast, a thigh coming closer to hers, “feeling the erection in the other”. “There is nothing that pleases me more than the look, the desire. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced this! »
“I love my husband,” she insists, “I love him with sincere love. I would miss something so much in my life if he wasn’t here! But if I wasn’t doing what I’m doing, I probably would have left. I can’t put an end to that. »
Once, in therapy, they brought up the question: what if Suzie met her needs elsewhere? Seeing her husband’s crestfallen face at this simple suggestion, she understood. “He can’t say no to me, but clearly he’s not ready,” she knows. And I don’t want to hurt him. » So she shuts up. “I really have the feeling that this story [son infidélité] traumatized him. […] It’s like sex has become something he blocks. »
So yes, she feels guilty for lying to him, but not so much, “because if I don’t, I’m going to end our relationship.” I need this ! “.
It’s not the conclusion she would have wanted to her story, but too bad. It’s his: “I’m going to look elsewhere because I can’t bear to have any carnal contact with the person I love. »
* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity.