Becoming a parent in the midst of gender transition

More and more trans and non-binary people are becoming parents after they have started their transition. This is the case for Shine Kolia, who already identified as a man when he carried his daughter. And for Vee Langlois, who obtained her papers as a non-binary person before the birth of her three children. We explore the question as the issues of sexual diversity and gender plurality are in the spotlight at Fierté Montréal.

Between 25% and 50% of trans or non-binary people are parents, according to the U.S. National Institutes of Health. But how many of them become parents during or after their transition? “We don’t have any precise figures on this, but we are seeing a growing enthusiasm from the perinatal community who want to train to better deal with this clientele, which shows a greater demand,” explains Emdé Dussault, of the Coalition of LGBTQ+ Families.

Shine Kolia and his partner used a donor to fertilize his eggs. Originally from Ivory Coast, he waited to obtain his Canadian permanent residency to begin his legal transition at the end of 2022, a year before his daughter gave birth. “So, on his birth certificate, there is the mention of father,” Shine illustrates.

He also postponed the start of his hormone treatment. “I’m not on hormones yet, because I wanted to carry my daughter and then start,” he explains.

Vee Langlois undertook her social transition (gender identity, first name, pronouns, etc.) in 2011. In consultation with her partner, it was decided that Vee would carry their first child, born in 2014. “I didn’t make any medical changes to my body,” Vee explains. “Since it allowed me to carry children and I didn’t feel uncomfortable about being pregnant, I carried two of the three.”

The other two were born in 2016 and 2020. Vee’s pregnancies were positive experiences, but the process wouldn’t have the same implications today.

Shine says in an interview that his physical features still tend toward the feminine. For example, when he walks his baby in public, strangers often stop him and say, “Your baby is beautiful, ma’am.” He doesn’t take offense. “I smile because I don’t have the energy to explain to someone I’ll probably never see again that I’m a gentleman.”

However, the staff at the clinic that monitored her pregnancy and the staff at CHU Sherbrooke were quickly informed of her reality. “The CHU found people who would be more open to talking to a man in the delivery room. I didn’t have any problems.”

Fertility to protect

The LGBTQ+ Family Coalition is increasingly providing training to – future and current – ​​doctors, nurses and midwives on the issues of trans perinatality.

The organization also offers workshops to trans and non-binary youth on these issues.

Note: The Régie de l’assurance maladie du Québec (RAMQ) reimburses fertility reservations for trans and non-binary people who transition before the age of 25 and who want to preserve their eggs or sperm.

The Coalition also wants to change mentalities in schools, daycares and youth centres. “We provide training to demystify the realities of LGBTQ+ families, to use the right vocabulary or present stories to children with families from diverse backgrounds without the story being about that.”

These steps allow for better adaptation of the people involved, as demonstrated by the employee of the daycare attended by Shine’s daughter. “The first day, the person told my daughter, ‘Say bye to Mommy.’ When I came back to pick her up, I told the daycare worker that it was Daddy. The next day, she had adapted.”

The administrative formalities of CPEs and other institutions are still very binary. On paper, it is – almost – always listed as father or mother. “We must constantly expose ourselves,” says Vee Langlois. “I feel like I am always fighting to exist authentically.”

And in schools? “My son only hears about girls and boys, so he comes home from school telling me I’m lying,” says Emdé Dussault, who identifies as non-binary. “It’s terrible.”

What to say to children?

Shine Kolia plans to explain the nuances of diversity to her daughter.

He also wants to prepare her for the unpleasant words of some adults… and other children. “Children are their parents’ ambassadors outside the home. When they say certain things, it’s because they heard them at home.”

Vee Langlois’ children grew up in a family that embraced the freedom to choose who you are. “We never imposed a gender on them; we let them choose and they know that it can change. So it’s part of their habits, but they also absorb what they see in society. They ask us questions, and we talk about it a lot.”

Vee and her partner use the term “mom” at home, but prefer the term “parent” outside. The two try as much as possible to give their children tools to know how to respond to people who misgender them. “We give them a little bit of a framework of responses while respecting their boundaries. The goal is to find a balance between protecting the children and understanding what we’re going through. We want to be role models of affirmation and pride.”