The test Home ports, by Karine Côté-Andreetti, was born from her refusal to accept the idea that the thirties are the decade when friendships die, as stated by the American science journalist Lydia Denworth. In her recently published book, the Quebecer campaigns for cultural and political changes that would make it possible to revalue relationships between friends.
Sitting in a Montreal café, the author wonders why it is still marginal to carry out big projects with friends, such as buying a house. “There are cultural codes that hold us back,” she says. We prioritize relationships and it’s as if the couple is above everything. This therefore prevents us from creating intimacy with other people, because in this prioritization, friendship is relayed to the end of the list. »
The mother of three children also began writing a book in August 2021. Home ports, her very first attempt, after realizing that friendship did not occupy the place she wanted in her life. “I wasn’t satisfied. » After starting to talk about it to those around her, the thirty-year-old realized that several people were experiencing the same thing.
Karine Côté-Andreetti therefore wanted to approach this subject with “all the seriousness it deserves”. Through her research and numerous interviews, the journalist came to the conclusion that not everyone is equal when it comes to friendship. “If you are in a precarious economic situation, you cannot necessarily go out with your friends. And for people who have mental health problems, making contact with others is sometimes more difficult,” she mentions, by way of example.
She believes that public policies in education should be established to allow everyone to make friendships flourish. As polarization gains ground, we would benefit from teaching concepts like non-violent communication or empathy in schools, according to Mme Côté-Andreetti. “These are societal choices. We don’t necessarily have the tools within us to relate to others and maintain friendships in a healthy way. »
To create strong friendships, you have to be able to show yourself vulnerable in front of others, says the author with a lively look. However, it is difficult to open your heart in a world where “the forests are burning and the violence is super uninhibited,” she admits. “We are pressurized. »
We must therefore “revalue the community, decolonize intimacy, dismantle hostility, shift priorities and approach health in a systemic way,” she argues. Deep and meaningful friendships are also a determining factor in longevity, she emphasizes.
How to make friends…and keep them
Over the course of some 300 pages, the author explores different avenues to encourage the birth and maintenance of friendships. “When it comes to creating a relationship as a couple, it seems that the codes are there. But for friendship, it’s not that clear. How do you make friends? » she raises.
According to Mme Côté-Andreetti, it is first crucial to stop despising the “ small talk “. Instead, it encourages people to think of it as a treasure hunt. “We talk about everything and nothing and at some point, there is something that allows us to dig deeper. And that’s where we find gold,” she illustrates.
The essayist also addresses the importance of having rituals in friendship. “It could be an annual weekend or Sunday brunches. You know, things that come back. It doesn’t have to be the big deal, but the idea is to mark the moment we’re experiencing at that moment. It’s saying: “Let’s take a break, because it’s valuable”. »
Admit your loneliness
Karine Côté-Andreetti confides that the writing of her book came at the right time. While she was finishing writing her essay last September, she left Montreal to settle in Shefford, in Estrie. “I experienced the greatest transitional loneliness of my life. It was very difficult, but I approached it in a completely different way because I had written Home ports. »
In light of everything she learned, she allowed herself to be honest with others about what she was going through. “Before, I would have been a little afraid to speak out loud about this loneliness, because, let’s be honest, it feels loser to say that we have no friends. It seems that loneliness is associated with poor relational or social skills. »
Yet many adults feel like friendship doesn’t have the place they want in their lives, she says. His book is aimed precisely at all those who refuse to live a life “in parallel” with others. “I also think it could be a good wake-up call for a lot of people who don’t realize they’re lonely,” she adds.
In the end, everyone needs to recreate their “own village” and anchor themselves there, argues Mme Côté-Andreetti. “Home ports are the people who bring us back to what is meaningful to us, to significant things, but also to us, home. »