How to successfully enter “digital puberty”? Three specialists provide their advice for this back-to-school season, when many parents are wondering whether to give their pre-teen a cell phone.
Ah, back to school! The schoolbag that we dust off, the new pens that we break in… but also, sometimes, the purchase of a first mobile phone. In 2020, more than one in five minors under the age of 15 had a mobile phone, most often obtained from the age of 11, the age of entering secondary school, according to a survey conducted by Médiamétrie.
While giving your child a phone reassures many parents, several experts interviewed by franceinfo point out that this act must be accompanied by restrictions. All this while discussing the rules to follow online and the dangers that young people may encounter there. If you are planning to take the plunge, here is a guide to help you.
1 Choosing a phone and plan that suits your needs
First of all, it is necessary to establish “A diagnosis of the reasons why we buy a cell phone for our child”recommends Grégoire Borst, professor of developmental psychology and cognitive neuroscience of education at the University of Paris Cité. “Asking the question of uses allows you to decide the type of device and package you are going to buy.”
Is your child starting secondary school and has to take public transport alone? Does he want to be able to stay in touch with his friends after school? In both cases, “He doesn’t necessarily need to have access to social networks or even the internet”notes the researcher. It is possible to opt for a touch-tone phone, and not a smartphone.
The students in your child’s class have a group on Whatsapp, which he asks to be able to join? If you opt for a smartphone, there are plans without 4G or with limited data. This solution allows the youngest to not be able to connect to the internet or very little other than by wifi. If you find that your child is not yet old enough to have a phone, “We can also explain to him that we don’t give in to social pressure just because some of his friends have a phone.”says Grégoire Borst.
In April 2024, a commission of experts set up by Emmanuel Macron recommended (PDF link) not to provide mobile phones to children before the age of 11, that the device not be connected to the internet before the age of 13 and that access to social networks not be allowed until the age of 15. “These recommendations should be adapted to the maturity of the children and whether or not they have been prepared to use digital tools.points out Grégoire Borst. We really need to think about the use of the phone in a progressive way. We can buy it when he is 11 years old, just to communicate with him, and, a year or two later, authorize other uses.”
“Having children think about other milestones to come encourages their empowerment.”
Grégoire Borst, professor of developmental psychologyto franceinfo
Limits are already set by the applications: in theory, most social networks are prohibited before the age of 13, several messaging services like Telegram are prohibited before the age of 16 and video games also have a minimum age.
2 Prepare your child and discuss their practices with them
How do you communicate with others online? “The child does not have the codes” to do it right, says Axelle Desaint, director of the government-backed Internet Without Fear awareness program. Buying a phone should therefore be an opportunity to clarify what is intended to be public or private, to explain that the law does not allow you to say everything, and to remind people that there is a real person on the other side of the screen. It is also important “to dare to talk about the risks” on the internet (cyberbullying, interactions with strangers, violent or pornographic content, etc.) and how to react when confronted with it.
Some tools can help minimize risks. To set up accounts securely, e-Enfance, an association for the protection of minors on the Internet, provides guides on its website concerning the main social networks.
“The rule imposed by the parent will make more sense when it is associated with a feeling of protection in the child and when the parent answers his questions.”
Gabriel Féménias, Deputy Director General of the e-Enfance associationto franceinfo
Researcher Grégoire Borst also advises to “to be interested in what children do on these tools “digital”because “the time they spend there does not reflect the complexity of what they do there”. “An hour of videos from HugoDécrypte [journaliste youtubeur très populaire chez les adolescents], “It’s not the same quality of content as an hour of content from some influencers”he emphasizes.
As is often the case, educating children involves setting examples. “If parents keep an eye on their phones during the meal, it’s complicated to ask children to leave theirs in the hallway.”notes Gabriel Féménias. Hence the importance of “find dedicated moments where the whole family can disconnect, at the table for example”underlines Grégoire Borst.
3 Install parental controls… without spying
Parental control should be thought of as “a toolbox available to parents”says Axelle Desaint, from the Internet sans peur program. There are versions of it from phone manufacturers, operators or via downloadable applications, as detailed by Que Choisir. These options allow you to block access to certain sites and the downloading of certain applications, but also to be able to locate the device and define the duration of use of the phone.
The goal is nevertheless “to gradually try to get the teenager to self-regulate these tools”emphasizes researcher Grégoire Borst. To help him do this, it is advisable to ban the phone at least one hour before bedtime, which will prevent sleep disturbances. Time without a phone must also be preserved to promote other activities, such as homework and sports. Here again, dialogue is the key to helping the child understand why we are limiting its use.
On the other hand, most of the specialists interviewed advise against the sneaky installation of spyware or tracking software on children. Similarly, creating a fake account on social networks in order to monitor what they say is a false good idea.
“The idea is to empower the child in their use of the phone. If they realize you are spying on them, the trust will be broken and they will not turn to you in difficult situations.”
Grégoire Borst, professor of developmental psychologyto franceinfo
Increased surveillance also risks generating more stress… for the parent. “The day the child stops at the bakery on the way to school or if he stays chatting longer in front of the school with his friends, it generates worry in the parent who follows him closelynotes Axelle Desaint. It is also a worry that is transmitted and that contributes to creating, in the child, the feeling that the world outside the home is necessarily dangerous.”