” How many children do you have ? » The question seems simple, but for Carryanne Pépin, the answer is complex.
“Sometimes I say, ‘I have five at home.’ When I want to avoid questions. […] This is the mental compromise I made to myself. »
If her older daughter is by her side at the time, however, she will be quick to correct the situation. In their family, there are not five children, there are six.
In March 2023, Carryanne Pépin experienced what every pregnant woman fears. At 28 weeks pregnant, she stopped feeling her baby move. “I went to the maternity ward and was told of the death. »
Her husband was not with her. He had stayed at home to look after the sleeping children. When he heard the news, he was convinced he had just had a nightmare.
During the night, the parents talked. Were they going to order an autopsy? Did they want their child cremated? Would the urn be buried? Questions they never thought they would have to ask themselves.
Billie was born the next day. Carryanne Pépin was able to hold him for a moment. A moment too brief, when she thinks about it.
PHOTO MARCO CAMPANOZZI, THE PRESS
Carryanne Pépin
“If you don’t ask [au personnel hospitalier] How it’s going to happen and what you can do, no one is going to explain it to you. That’s what I found really difficult,” says the 31-year-old young mother.
She had “the lucidity and calm” to ask questions, but once the birth was over, she would have liked to have been better supported.
“There wasn’t a social worker who came to see me. There is nobody. […] If I had been completely in crisis, it might have been different… but it’s not true that I was going well,” she laments.
“The CLSC called me a month later to tell me that they had received a letter saying that I was experiencing perinatal loss and that they were offering workshops. One month later, it’s too little,” believes the woman who would like all mothers experiencing perinatal bereavement to be able to obtain support immediately.
Hurtful blunders
The weeks that followed were very difficult for Carryanne Pépin. “I was so afraid of meeting people and being asked questions [sur le bébé]. It’s hard for people to hear that. It’s confronting. […] They don’t know what to answer and they fall into awkwardness. »
“Nothing happens for nothing” or “at least you have other healthy children” are two examples of sentences that Carryanne Pépin received like a stab in the heart. Grieving is not easier because you have other children. It’s their grief too, not just that of their parents, notes the mother.
“A big lack”
Like many people, she turned to the private sector to receive the psychological support she needed. Her doctor, “who is incredible”, also supported her. However, she believes that hospitals should do more. “There is a big, big, big gap. If I had more time, this would be my life mission. Currently, it is not done well. »
Pregnant with her seventh child, Carryanne Pépin benefits from closer monitoring in another hospital, where she feels better supported.
“I’m very scared, but very excited to see how I’m going to experience this postpartum period,” concludes the mother.
Read “Five, Six, Seven Times Mom”
Support for bereaved parents
Every year, in Quebec, more than 20,000 families experience the loss of a child, during pregnancy, at birth or in the months that follow. Despite this number, many parents feel like they are going through this ordeal alone.
“It’s a mourning that is invisible. […] When we lose a member of our family, like a father, a mother, a brother, other people have known them. It’s easier for those around you to imagine this mourning. While perinatal mourning, those around them did not know the baby, did not see him, did not feel him move. […] It’s a grief that is more difficult for many people to understand,” explains Marie-Claude Dufour, general director of the Network of Perinatal Resource Centers.
According to her, there are gaps in the health system in terms of psychological support offered to bereaved parents. She therefore wishes to point out that services also exist from community organizations.
Nearly twenty perinatal resource centers offer support groups or individual meetings for parents going through this ordeal. “There are also certain regions where there is a sponsoring service. We have several volunteers who are available with different stories. Depending on the needs of the parent who contacts us, we can pair them with someone who has a similar experience,” she explains.
Find a perinatal resource center
Two other resources to consult
A book : Written by journalist Jessika Brazeau and psychologist Lory Zéphyr, The invisible mourning brings together numerous testimonies from families who have lost a baby during the perinatal period. With great compassion, the authors address the stages of mourning, the repercussions of this ordeal on the couple and the other children as well as the role of those around them.
Read the article “Perinatal mourning: room for compassion”
A website : The Sainte-Justine hospital website contains a lot of information on perinatal bereavement. It includes the series of four videos Return with empty armsin which bereaved parents and healthcare professionals are interviewed.
Visit the CHU Sainte-Justine website