Be careful, it’s not obvious: in his early forties, Philippe has a very ordinary relaxed profile. Except that in private, he doesn’t behave stereotypically. Forget the enterprising or dominant type, Philippe is more of a gentle, sensual person, looking for connection above all. And in this sense, he realizes that he does not “fit” heteronormative “norms.” Explanations.
Does his speech remind you of another? This is because he wrote to us in the wake of the new year, following the testimony of a certain Sarah*, who is also seeking to free herself from these heteronormative “codes”. “I want to find the key,” she told us recently, “in a heteronormative society, to having satisfactory relationships, when we haven’t been educated for that. »
Read Sarah’s testimony*
“I have the impression of experiencing a bit of the same thing, but from a male point of view,” says Philippe, whom I met at the beginning of January, in a café in town, on his lunch break. That’s to say ? “Women expect me to act according to standards that don’t correspond to me…”
Before getting there, you should know that our interlocutor was the victim of abuse in his childhood. He does not wish to speak on the subject, but confides that he carries certain “wounds” to this day, he slips. “I would like to consult. This certainly led to difficulties in terms of interpersonal relationships. » As proof: “I have always maintained a fear of others and a fear of judgment,” he says.
He also experienced a “difficult”, rather “isolated” adolescence, always with this “difficulty making contact”, as he says. “I didn’t kiss a girl until I was 18…”
Her first sexual relationship happened with a friend from college, and she took the lead: “She got on top of me and I followed. » At the same time, he also made a girlfriend, an uneventful affair that lasted two years. In bed ? His memories are fuzzy.
On the other hand, he remembers very well a work colleague, in his early twenties, who later clearly caught his eye. “But I have a lot of difficulty talking to someone I don’t know,” he repeats. “Is this a heteronormative norm? » Is the man expected to take the first steps? In any case, he can’t do it. Neither then nor today. Hence this feeling of being outside “norms”.
I’ve been feeling uneasy for years […] compared to what women expect of me.
Philip
And then during a dinner with friends, still in his early twenties, our Philippe meets a memorable woman: “Super pretty, charismatic, extroverted, it was impossible that I could interest someone like that.. .”, he believes.
However, his friends encourage him to accompany her home, and it is Madame who then takes the first steps (because he is incapable of doing so, we will have understood).
“And he was a pivotal person,” Philippe said with a smile. She was very liberated, without complexes, she assumed her desires, and it was very liberating. » Think: fluid exchanges, anal stimulation, etc. “These are things that we did, which are not heterosexual norms,” he illustrates. And then the woman was older, “and that, again, is out of the norm, we are more used to the opposite, socially”.
As a bonus, she had already explored with other women and even told Philippe one day that he made love “like a woman”. “I took it as a compliment! “, he said, laughing.
As you can imagine, he has excellent memories of it to this day. “It stimulated my whole body! Not just my genitals. » And Philippe hasn’t experienced that often. Unfortunately, the connection is not enough, their story runs its course and ends after six months.
Philippe spent the next 10 years alone. He also experiences this solitude with difficulty. “And besides, I still have problems with cannabis to help me quell the loneliness,” he confides. It is at this moment that he begins to seriously question himself, particularly in terms of identity. “Because of my difficulty entering into relationships, I asked myself: Am I really straight? », he justifies.
I feel like I have a developed feminine side. I have a lot of empathy, I’m very sensitive, all these things that we more often associate with women.
Philip
He ended up exploring this side twice, with two different men, but never got very far. “I was curious about the sensations,” he summarizes, “but I think it’s more of a fantasy. » Verdict? “No more,” he replies. I always preferred making love to fucking. […] I need a connection. » And then men don’t attract her. In short: end of questioning.
At the turn of his thirties, “desperate” to still be single, our Philippe takes charge. “I’m stopping smoking, I’m changing my diet, I’m starting to cycle,” he says. He mainly registers on a dating site. He finally finds someone with whom he experiences a lot of “pleasure” in bed, mechanically speaking, but something is missing, he feels. “I was lacking sensuality,” he realized after a few months. “I have a whole body that can be stimulated,” he says, “but I’m not capable of talking to him about it…” If you want to know everything, yes, he blames himself: “Maybe I Could I have taught him about what I like? »
The fact remains that he meets a second woman on the same site, but it doesn’t work out either. For what ? Madame likes it “rough”, he remembers, but Philippe is gentle, remember, and he “can’t”. “Pulling hair,” he illustrates, “that won’t work. ” ” I can’t ! »
Just before the pandemic, he met one last woman, an old acquaintance from CEGEP. With her, he finally confides: “I like it better when the woman takes control,” he says. Rebelote, unfortunately: she also, obviously, likes it “rough”. In the heat of the moment, she asks him for a slap on the buttocks. “I can understand, I tried, but it’s so weird,” he said, laughing. He tries, but it’s anything but natural. In short: “She had needs that I am not capable of meeting…”, he decides.
This is his last story until now. But not the end of his reflection. “I think we learn codes that we have difficulty freeing ourselves from when they don’t correspond to us,” he analyzes with hindsight. “I did a lot of introspection this week,” he continues. It’s exhausting, it’s been a lot of work. But I came to a better understanding of myself. No doubt to better acceptance. Even if between knowing something rationally and living it, there is a step to take…,” he says, smiling.
* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity
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