Clémentine Lecalot-Vergnaud was a journalist at franceinfo. She died on December 23, 2023 after battling cancer detected a year and a half earlier. She was 31 years old. On June 1, the podcast she cared about so much was released. First ten episodes where she recounted her fight against illness, her hopes and her doubts. For, she said, “leave a trace”. A few weeks before her death, from her hospital room, Clémentine wanted to resume the thread of her testimony. This is the third of the last six chapters of “My life facing cancer: Clémentine’s diary”.
My husband was truly someone who was always there. When it hit us, he could have, as some people do, said to me: I like you, but I don’t see myself going through this battle, I’m leaving. He could have committed and then given up. No: he is with me until the end and that is huge for me. I think it’s the most beautiful gift you can give.
From the start, he researched the disease, he asked doctors questions, he came to every appointment. And he’s always there when I need to express my emotions, when I need to say what’s wrong. For me, the role of a companion is the role he plays. No more no less. There’s no need to overdo it either. For example, he doesn’t sleep in the hospital when there is no need to sleep with me in the hospital. He knows how to protect himself from the beaches, all the same. Not long ago, on a day off, he went to get some fresh air. I think it did him a lot of good. And there you have it, he knows both his strengths and his limitations. He knows that very well and he knows me very well.
We don’t know right away, I think, how to be a caregiver and how to be the right caregiver. It must be said that it is very difficult to be a caregiver. You are facing someone who is often in physical suffering, in moral suffering. I particularly remember a period when I had lots of hospitalizations in a row. Really, it was a struggle, I couldn’t get through it anymore. And at that time, his reaction was a bit… (she stops) Besides, he didn’t appreciate me describing him like that, but one day, I told him: stop being a coach, it’s not possible, actually! It’s too much, stop! You suffocate me with your positivity, you suffocate me by wanting to restart myself all the time! No, there are times when I have the right to give up. Stop with that, actually. And he didn’t realize it. For him, it was just trying to pull me forward. But I needed to be left to stagnate a little bit.
“All I needed was to talk about my death”
We argue with each other, of course. There were shouting matches. Of course. It’s not always easy, especially when, once again, we’re not on the same level. Because at that moment, it was really: I pushed her as much as possible so that she believed in it again, so that she got back into a more positive dynamic. And for me, at that moment, all I needed was to talk about my death, about how it was going to happen. And he didn’t want to face it. It was too early for him. So, in the same way that he wasn’t on my wavelength, I wasn’t on his either. And that was a very hard moment in our relationship.
It’s hard to talk about anything else, but yes, we can talk about something else! We talked a lot about apartments before moving in together, that was really nice. And then from time to time, we talk about decor, layout of the apartment. It makes us happy, even if I’m not there very much. We also talk about our children – who are not mine but I consider them the same –, about how we try to protect them as much as possible from all that, without hiding things from them either, which is a very difficult balance. to find. Yes, we talk about lots of things like that.
“What desire for tenderness can there be?”
Can we still really have a life as a couple during illness? It all depends on what we expect from life as a couple, I think. But inevitably, it profoundly modifies the lines, the things. Clearly, I think we wouldn’t have built the same couple at all if it hadn’t been for this illness. This made it easier for us to deal with certain blockages that there might have been. Suddenly, you don’t ask yourself so many questions anymore. And then there are inevitably aspects that make life as a couple extremely complicated. Because you are no longer Clémentine and Grégoire who, together, make Clémentine and Grégoire, there is still a little bit of illness somewhere. You have to adapt to that. And Grégoire is no longer completely my companion, then my husband, he very quickly became my caregiver. And that is something very special to build in a couple. It was very hard.
Honestly, I’m not going to hide it, from the start, I had a lot of suffering having intimate and tender relationships. When the other person doesn’t really know how to touch you without hurting you, it’s very complicated to let them have access to you. And I speak about it very personally because I know that Grégoire has never had any brakes on this and has always been very open and very understanding, but I have always had a lot of brakes on this. When your partner sees you vomit five times in the morning after getting up… What desire for tenderness can he have behind it, when he sees you with short hair? What desire for tenderness can he have when he sometimes has to put you in your pajamas because in the evening you no longer have the energy? Sometimes I no longer had the energy to put on pajamas. It was almost like he was carrying me to bed. He supported me under the shoulders, he put me in pajamas, he laid me down, he helped me find the right position… Letting the other have access to his body and to something very intimate when we are in there , I sincerely admit that I did not succeed and that it remains a failure in some way, for me. Staff.
“No happy ending like in fairy tales”
I wanted to get married because I find that it is the most protective legal regime for those who remain. Particularly for everything related to survivor’s annuity. The civil partnership does not offer that, you should know that. And when I found out, I said to myself: there’s no way he doesn’t have something every month that helps him continue living in the apartment we have. chosen, for example. And then, more symbolically, I wanted what made our couple not to disappear with my death. Because otherwise, in the eyes of the administration, we were nothing, in fact. With a civil partnership, symbolically, you are a bit of something. Marriage is a real symbol. This means: Clémentine and Grégoire loved each other. Its important to me.
Gregory: “When we came back from Paul-Brousse hospital, we didn’t know at all what path we were taking. We just knew that we weren’t going to let any illness happen like that! And that when an adversary appeared, he would find us standing in his way and fighting until the last cartridge.”
Clementine : “I feel extremely lucky to have crossed your path and that we have shared the same path for almost three years, to the day. I couldn’t dream of better. I know that the future is precarious, uncertain, that unfortunately, we will not have a happy ending like in fairy tales. So, I wanted to read you this passage from the song You are my other : And if one of us falls, the tree of our lives will keep us far from the shadows, between sky and fruit, but never too far from each other, we would be cursed. You will be my last second. I love you.”
To be continued : companions in bad days.
Production: Clémentine Lecalot-Vergnaud and Samuel Aslanoff. Director: Laure-Hélène Planchet. Sound recording: Samuel Aslanoff. Mixing: Raphaël Rasson. Visuals: Stéphanie Berlu, Kelsey Suleau. Coordination: Pauline Pennanec’h.