At the end of September, Chanel, 12, hanged herself at her home in Pas-de-Calais. A week later, Dinah, 14, committed suicide in the same circumstances in Mulhouse (Haut-Rhin). Two deaths of college girls and one thing in common: bullying. These dramas are a reminder that all students can be affected. How to recognize these situations? How to help your child? Franceinfo interviewed child psychiatrist Nicole Catheline, a specialist in educational disorders.
Franceinfo: How can we realize that a child is the victim of bullying? What are the telltale signs?
Nicole Catheline: Any sudden changes in behavior in your child should alert you. If he sleeps less well, if he complains of headaches, if his grades go down, if he has fits of anger, if he eats less … This does not mean that there is necessarily harassment behind, but you have to be concerned.
When does school bullying begin?
Usually, we describe an aggressive intention that lasts and repeats itself. But the definition is being revised at the global level to include the notion of group, which has so far been minimized. In fact, harassment can take the form of verbal or moral violence: insults, mockery, a rejection of a group … But it can also take the form of physical violence: beatings, thefts, pushes. …
There is often a group dynamic with a somewhat charismatic student who will lead others. It is up to the one who will have the most “creative” idea to annoy the victim, to the point that no one will see his suffering any more.
Is there a good way to approach the subject with your child?
Yes, absolutely. Your child may be afraid to speak, so don’t rush them. If you walk into his room and throw something like ‘so, are you being harassed?’, it will create the opposite effect. Take it slow, ask him first if something is wrong at school if someone bothers it. It is essential to make him understand that whatever he says, he has nothing to fear.
“Tell him that you are going to decide together whether or not to initiate proceedings, that it will always be with his agreement, that he will always be kept informed of everything.”
Nicole cathelineto franceinfo
Why is it important to warn him of all the steps?
This point is very important because the child thinks he is alone. You have to reassure him about what go do. If you go to see the stalker without telling him about it, he will fear the “balance” side. If you go to see the teacher, he is going to be afraid of being laughed at by the class. The effect would then be devastating.
Precisely, once the child agrees to act, which person should he go to see first?
The situation must be resolved between adults and there are steps to follow. Start by going to the teacher. But again, be careful with the words you use: the teacher might think you are accusing him of not having seen anything, of having let it happen. Ask him instead if he would not have noticed something, noticed a problem … If you feel that the exchange is complicated, then get closer to the school life of the establishment, the principal of the school. , the headmaster … And if things still get stuck, then you have to go directly and without delay to get closer to the academic referent. There are at least two per rectorate. This person has the possibility of intervening with the establishment and proposing solutions.
There are also specific listening services to talk about bullying at school, accessible free of charge * …
Yes, there are two. The first is 30 20 (Monday to Friday, except holidays, 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. and Saturday 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.), made available to students, families and professionals to report situations of harassment between students). The second is 30 18, the toll-free number Net listening (Monday to Saturday from 9 am to 8 pm). The listeners on the phone won’t do anything without your consent. They will take care of alerting academic referees only if you give them permission.
Should we ask our child to accompany us in these steps?
Again, it’s up to you to ask him the question and it’s up to him to decide. If he wants to be present at the meeting you have with his teacher or the principal, fine, let him come. If he doesn’t prefer, fine too, respect his will. It is in any case very important to respect all these steps.
“Even if you know the parents of the bullying child, absolutely forget about going to talk to them directly. Chances are the person in front of you is in denial.”
Nicole cathelineto franceinfo
And precisely, what should I do if my child is a bully or if someone reports facts to me that make him think so?
You probably won’t believe it, at least at first. This is the famous story of “the other children yes, but mine, impossible!”. When you discover that your child has harassed someone, you have to try to understand why he is acting this way, you have to offer him support, from a child psychiatrist for example. This might sound strange to you, but you also have to help the stalker, the idea is not to make him an angel, just to make him stop and get better.
How quickly can a bullying situation be resolved?
It all depends on the age. But if we took the problem at the very beginning, it can be resolved quickly, within two weeks. If it lasts for a long time, it is more complicated because there can be psychological consequences, especially when we have touched the intimate, when photos have circulated. Social networks have also accentuated this aspect. They have become an additional tool for harassing. It’s fast, efficient, easy. But it is also evidence that can be used against the stalker. Again, do not take your child’s phone by force if he is being bullied, he will feel even more cut off from everything, the feeling that things are said even worse about him. Conversely, offer to show you these messages. We come back to it: he must have total confidence in his parents.
* There is also the line https://www.netecoute.fr/ for young victims of digital violence. Other information is also available on the website of the Ministry of National Education.
If you need help, if you are worried or if you are confronted with the suicide of a member of your entourage, there are several anonymous listening services. The Suicide listening line is reachable 24/7 on 01 45 39 40 00. Other numbers and a lot of information are also available on the website of the Ministry of Solidarity and Health.