Marie-Paule* is 70 years old and she has never had fun with a man. She was never happy in a relationship either, and always believed she had a “manufacturing defect”. Story (must read until the very end!).
“In all my relationships, I have had dissatisfaction. A happy relationship with a man, I don’t know that. »
We are sitting in her quaint suburban apartment. Marie-Paule, very small, with her bobbed hair and well-defined eyes, clearly doesn’t look her age. Above all, she exudes a fragility which characterizes the character well, both shy and frail, although driven by a strong desire to tell her story. “Hoping that other women will recognize themselves…”
As a teenager, she already felt “alone”, had few friends, and her parents were hardly present. Her mental health is wavering and she severely lacks self-confidence. “I was in a lot of pain. »
His first sexual encounter? “Around 17 or 18,” she said, “with an older man. » He undoubtedly has more experience, but Marie-Paule is “incapable” of telling him of her ignorance. “I didn’t know anything! I didn’t know my body, I had never even touched myself! So it was shameful and painful […]. But I wanted to know what it was! »
And then ? “Finally, he became my husband,” she continues, as well as the father of her children, in a story that will last 10 years.
Not only is she “psychologically ill”, she says, but also, the man is “controlling”. “He was jealous […] and I came from a planet where I knew nothing about life, about men, I didn’t know how to take my place! »
Neither in life nor in bed.
I suffered from his sexuality. Hers. And she was demanding. I had to give him blowjobs. I was forced.
Marie-Paule, 70 years old
“I had no choice, he was stronger than me! »
An equation that leaves little room for her own pleasure. “I was hoping, I was waiting, but my partner’s sexuality was too overwhelming to give me space. » She still hears him ask her: “Did you cum?” »
“But I didn’t even know what it was!” »
Once, and once only, after the birth of her children, during an oral sex activity, Marie-Paule remembers a shiver. “I tried to rediscover this pleasure,” she says, “but it was complicated. […] He didn’t help me with this process. »
That’s not all: over time, the gentleman becomes downright “violent”. “If the #metoo movement had existed…” she lets fall.
She leaves her partner, leaves with the children, and although the years that follow are “difficult”, Marie-Paule remains preoccupied by one thing: her sexuality. “Maybe I have something to live for and I’m missing out? So I went to see a sexologist. »
You can’t make this up: “After five or six sessions,” our interlocutor continues, “I found myself in his bed… Today, that wouldn’t be acceptable either…”
At the time, she adds amusedly, she didn’t question the matter too much. “My desire to achieve enjoyment prevented me from asking myself too many questions! »
No, this “therapy” doesn’t really help him. “In bed, all he wanted was blowjobs!” I don’t think he ever penetrated me. » Nor too touched, in fact… “The only thing he advised me was to try with toys. » Which is not a small detail, ultimately, since Marie-Paule ends up finally daring to “explore”. Result ? “I liked the sensations,” she replies. But that’s not a revelation either. “No,” she clarifies. But I feel a wave, like a wave. »
She ends the chapter with the sexologist then continues her quest by consulting a gynecologist. “Maybe it’s my anatomy, a problem with physical functioning? »
I have a friend, barely penetrated, she tells me that she cums! Do you think that I, on the other hand, don’t feel abnormal?
Marie-Paule, 70 years old
“Do I have a defective clitoris? In any case, I haven’t found my anomaly…”
During the years that followed, Marie-Paule, now separated, met a handful of men, one-night stands and just as many disappointments. It must be said that the conditions are far from winning, she knows. “I am not able to express my needs, and no one takes care of me! » The scenarios follow one another and repeat themselves: “The man arrives, he gets hard, he penetrates, he cums, then: hello, good evening, that’s all! No one said to me: “Is there something that would make you happy?” No one has ever asked me that! Not once! »
Is it ignorance? Marie-Paule sees it above all as a kind of “fear”. “As if men were afraid of a woman’s penis. As if my genitals weren’t attractive enough for a man to want to touch…”
In her mid-30s, she met yet another man with whom she spent 10 years. A guy she finds “sexy”, but with whom things don’t go any better in bed. “He always had his ex on his mind. Even sexually, he compared my vulva to his! »
It will also be his last life partner. Last lover? Not exactly. In her mid-40s, Marie-Paule found herself alone again, and spent a few years seeing a “friend”, “each at home”, she explains. Yet another disappointment: “for him, a woman is someone you protect, not someone you make come.”
From ? For more than 10 years, Marie-Paule did not see anyone. “I dried out a little,” she said with a laugh. Then, without warning, in the last year, a guy she called her “lurker” appeared in her life. This story about sleeping outside visibly revived her. “I met him in the building. I found him handsome, that’s for sure, but I never thought of it in sexual terms, never, never, never! “, she says, blushing. For good reason: his “lurker” is not 30 years old!
But quite “unexpectedly”, as she says, he offered her a “hug”. “Could I refuse? I was incapable of it. […] Without physical contact for many years, having a man hold me in his arms, I was almost in ecstasy! »
One thing led to another and he found himself in his bed. No, Marie-Paule did not cum. “But that doesn’t really matter,” she beams. Let’s just say my prowler awakened something in me! […] As if my sexuality had been awakened! » And she intends to take advantage of it. If she knows that this adventure has no future, she has been eyeing dating applications since then. After a life of “frustrations” and “sorrows,” she concludes, “it is certain that if I have an opportunity, I will move forward. […] I don’t have any more time to waste! »
* Fictitious first name, to preserve anonymity