First, Kristin Batykefer lost her job in marketing following a restructuring. Then her marriage fell apart and she was left without an income or a home.
To help her get back on her feet, two friends put her and her daughter — now 4 — in their four-bedroom home near Jacksonville, Florida, last year. Then M’s best friendme Batykefer, Tessa Gilder, also in the process of divorce, moved into the house with her two children, ages 1 and 5.
Very quickly and unplanned, they found themselves in a community of single mothers. What Americans call a mummya portmanteau of mom and of common.
PHOTO AGNES LOPEZ, THE NEW YORK TIMES
Kristin Batykefer with her daughter and that of Tessa Gilder
Maternal and financial solidarity
All over the world, women are joining forces under the same roof, sharing the raising of children and the bills. When she was married, Ms.me Batykefer had told on social networks about his nomadic family life in a renovated bus. Aged 32, she now chronicles her new single life in a house occupied by four adults and three children.
When she was bedridden with a headache, sore throat and body aches, the other women made her soup and cookies and took the children to the park so she could rest. “A support system second to none,” wrote Ms.me Batykefer on TikTok in a post that has been viewed over a million times. “I should have moved into a mummy a long time ago. »
This way of life is not new. Mothers have shared homes for centuries. But the pandemic and the growing number of single-parent families in the United States have shed light on this reimagined family structure. “In Latin cultures, there is this idea of co-mother [co-mère], a person who supports you and helps you raise your children,” says Grace Bastidas, editor of Parents.com. “During the pandemic, we saw all kinds of support groups forming; it is therefore a new version of this type of partnership. »
Mme Bastidas grew up in a commune of mothers, brought up with his sister and cousin in the same household by his mother and aunt, who were both single.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but there isn’t always one.
Grace Bastidas, editor of Parents.com
Single mothers are hard hit by inflation and the scarcity of child care, she adds. “It’s part of a larger trend of parents expanding the concept of family and taking matters into their own hands to find creative solutions. »
Nearly 80% of single-parent families in the United States are headed by single mothers, according to the latest census. Research shows that these families are much more likely to experience poverty, psychological distress, low self-esteem and lack of emotional support.
In April 2020, in the midst of pandemic confinement, Holly Harper, a marketing executive, and Herrin Hopper, a lawyer, had both just divorced. These two longtime friends telecommuted and supervised their children’s virtual school in tiny apartments in Washington. Living so little at such great expense no longer made sense: they pooled their financial resources and bought a house.
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PHOTO LEIGH VOGEL, THE NEW YORK TIMES
Holly Harper and Herrin Hopper bought a house together in 2020 and created a mummy with two other women.
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PHOTO LEIGH VOGEL, THE NEW YORK TIMES
Holly Harper watches her daughter balance on her hands.
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PHOTO LEIGH VOGEL, THE NEW YORK TIMES
Herrin Hopper and Holly Harper with their children and dogs in their home
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Regain access to property
For Herrin Hopper, 46, this arrangement makes it possible to take on household chores and a career without a spouse. It also allows access to property after a divorce. “Holly and I have always had a thing for ‘real estate voyeurism’; We said to ourselves: “Why not?” »
Sharing a house, adds Holly Harper, offers single mothers an essential thing that often disappears when their relationship breaks up: economic mobility.
We want the security for our children and the support that every human being needs. The economic basis of all this is real estate. What could be more logical than to share?
Herrin Hopper
Carmel Boss has been living in a mother’s community for a long time. She claims to have invented the expression mummy long before it entered the American vernacular. Twenty years ago, after her divorce, she founded CoAbode, a nonprofit home-sharing platform for single mothers.
When she decided to invite another single mother from Los Angeles to live with her and her 7-year-old son, she found that there were no resources for single mothers looking for shared accommodation to meet. The idea of CoAbode was born.
PHOTO PHILIP CHEUNG, THE NEW YORK TIMES
Carmel Boss created CoAbode.
A Kijiji for mothers
At first, CoAbode was like a Kijiji for mothers, she says. In 2016, she turned it into a for-profit business. Since then, 300,000 single mothers have created home sharing profiles on her site, she estimates.
“It’s like an online village, except the women meet in person,” says Ms.me Boss, 69 years old.
In Florida, Tessa Gilder and Kristin Batykefer have no plans to stay in this four-bedroom home near Jacksonville forever. The duo hope to buy and renovate a house within a year. To cut costs, they signed a deal with a TV producer who thinks the renovation would make for an entertaining reality show.
But with or without this television adventure, Mme Batykefer says the small community she created in her current home has helped her recover from heartbreak and find some peace. She feels more present and more focused as a mother.
“When I had to leave my husband, I was obsessed with having to fend for myself to buy a house, pay my bills and raise my child,” said Ms.me Batykefer, whose divorce was finalized in February and who now shares custody of her children with her ex-husband. “I never thought of finding another single mother to live with and do this together. It happened by chance, that’s all. But now I think to myself, “Why is it an exception to join forces?” »
This article was originally published in the New York Times.