It’s not a story of coming out ordinary. It’s a story of regret. Of disappointment. And disillusionment. A story of coming out bitter, as we rarely hear.
“I have this deep feeling of having broken my family and I bitterly regret this coming out, wrote to us a certain Mickaël, last month. I’m starting to get to know the gay world and culture… and I don’t find anything gay there. To whoever wants to hear it, especially to the men of my generation, I say: stay in the closet, you will avoid loneliness… ”
While in Montreal for the Book Fair, he arranged to meet us in a downtown café to tell his story. And hammer home this, let’s say it, unusual plea: “Guys, if you’re my age, shut your mouths. Stay in the closet. ”
Rather handsome man, with a je ne sais quoi à la Christian Bégin (is it the glasses, the beard, because he is a teacher, like his character in the Guys, or that he speaks with his hands?), Mickaël confides with the ease of a thoughtful man who speaks well. And who knows.
“I entered sex life very late. Probably because my identity was not precise enough, ”he begins, seated in front of a filter coffee. It was not until he was at university, in dramatic art, that a world opened up to him. “It’s discovery, openness to the world, permissiveness”, he sums up, alluding to his suddenly “more open” universe, “more unbridled” customs.
Quite an awakening, let’s say, for the young man, moreover brought up in a “very conventional” family, with an “austere” father.
Mickaël was living at the time with a girlfriend and a childhood friend in a strange “threesome”. He never had a sexual relationship to speak of with her (“it was on the order of sensuality”), and rather saw his first experience with him, this friend.
We won’t know much about it, except that “it awakened something that was present, but of the order of the unsaid. Taboo ”.
And then ? And then nothing.
I had a very romantic conception of love. Sexuality was one of them. The first time had to be busted, wow, meaningful. Eventually it ended up with something really hormonal …
Mickaël
In fact, and in his head, this first time is more “experience”, nothing more. His girlfriend at the time took it as such. “She also came from the world of theater …”
End of the story. The paths of the trio then separated and Mickaël decided to “re-align”. ” It is not me… ”
Life follows its course, Mickaël leaves Montreal, then goes to work in a summer camp. It was there that he saw his second “experience” with a man, an animator. We will not know how the adventure ended in bed, but only that the man in question was a little “twisted”, and that the relationship ended up becoming “unhealthy”. And the case left Mickaël “exhausted”.
He therefore finds himself alone. And it is dead calm. It is “fallow”, as he says. “I always had this romantic conception of love,” he repeats. I want to meet the woman of my life. I have plans. […] At some point, yours or yours will happen, as my grandmother used to say… ”
Time passes until one fine day, and at the turn of his thirties, friends introduce him to a woman. She. “The woman of my life”, you will understand. Drama: “There, it was sex, sex, sex,” he recalls. Let’s go, we fuck! ”
Balance sheet? “Nirvana,” he said with a smile. “I was very nervous, awkward, awkward, and at the same time very generous. “In fact, he will end up confiding, he remains more skillful in the sensual side of the thing. “The penetration part was less fluid than with a man,” he confirms. But when it was gone, it was gone. “Above all:” We had a deep desire to start a family. Besides, two months after their meeting, it was decided: they were going to get married.
Neither bad nor good …
Life has come a long way, and their story has lasted almost 30 years. Obviously, Mickaël told him about his past. But they never spoke about it again. “Until divorce …”
And those 30 years, sexually? “Neither bad nor good. »Not too frequent (once a month?). “I found that sufficient. She, insufficient. But it was still a performance for me. And I was still nervous… ”
And it was above all never “fluid” …
If he cheated on her? Twice “only”, and in the sauna of a gymnasium, with a man. “Otherwise, nothing happened. “Moreover, he has always masturbated daily, and alone. But that either, he did not speak about it. “It’s taboo in a relationship. As if it was infidelity… ”
And yes, he doesn’t hide it, during these sessions of solitary pleasures, he was thinking of men. Always. And he ended up wondering: what if he was bi?
Years go by, and two children later, Mickaël lands in a shrink’s office. We are in 2006. He asks him about his potential bisexuality. And this professional responds (and to this day, no one can believe it): “In my book, that does not exist”. “There was no nuance, remembers Mickaël. It was either one or the other. ”
Still, Mickaël, naturally “obedient”, falls into the line … of heterosexuality. “Maybe that suited me …”
Maybe it comforted me to say that this status quo was better for children …
Mickaël
And this status quo will last another 10 years. Until recently, in fact.
For all kinds of reasons, Mickaël and his wife ended up making a separate room. It suited him: they hadn’t touched each other for a long time. For his part, Mickaël was now consuming gay porn, “for the first time in [sa] life “. Obviously he was at a point of no return. And as a matter of fact, and with the help of a friend (“I call him my godfather”) and yet another therapy, he ended up revealing himself to his wife: “I am gay. That was a little over a year ago.
She knows it, knew it, always knew it, she replies. It is not entirely clear: is it before, or after this coming out, still it is that the couple decides here to separate. And this double news to be announced to children (now grown-ups) is, and remains, infinitely heavy to carry for Mickaël. It appears and it can be heard.
We spare you the crisis, the tears. And anger. It must be said that since then, he has never seen his wife again. Except in mediation. He lives alone. And accumulated the one-nights. And that “devastates” him, this “short-lived fuck”. Hence the bitterness, we understand. The immense disillusionment in the face of this cruel “gay loneliness”. All that for this ? Hence the question, especially: “Was I so unhappy?” Is this sexual fullness the culmination of everything? ”
* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity