Transport us to the premises of the Commission for the Intersectional Rewriting of Offensive and Offensive Manuscripts and Comments. CRIMPOF. On the large table listing the work done, we see that many children’s texts have already gone through the grinder without offending anyone. D’s booksr Seuss, by Enid Blyton (The club of five) and Roald Dahl (Charlie and the chocolate factory) are already set. In the adult department, the James Bonds also had their first grooming. Perhaps it will be necessary to come back to this, because in none of Ian Fleming’s 14 books does his hero have a gay or even fluid partner.
The team of zealous censors has a lot of merit. The magnitude of the task is such that others would give up. But they are reminded of the importance of their work by this maxim, highlighted on the wall, from the great English author George Orwell: “All documents have been destroyed or falsified, all books rewritten, all pictures repainted. All the statues, the streets, the buildings have changed names, all the dates have been modified. And the process continues every day, every minute. It is in his flagship novel 1984. Ignorant people saw it as a warning against intellectual oppression. CRIMPOF employees know that it is, on the contrary, a mission statement.
The building is vast like a book fair, with sections by region, subject, age. The shredder is in high demand in the “Germany, Second World War” department. The young Germans said they were deeply shocked that they were constantly blamed for the action of the Nazis, when they had nothing to do with it. From now on, the grief caused by these traumatic reminders is over.
Today there is an important debate in the section devoted to the so-called sacred texts. What should be done with the Bible, the Torah, the Koran? Three of the most read books in the world. More than Harry Potter. That is to say.
Everyone comes to report to the chief commissioner.
“It’s off to a bad start,” said one. God creates man in his image, then woman from a simple cutlet, to relieve him.
— The woman, a by-product? It doesn’t make sense, opines the commissioner. You have to rewrite. And the other genres, when do they arrive?
— It stinks of heteronormativity, continues the reader in charge of the Deluge. God told Noah and his wife to take one male and one female of each species into his ark.
“You know what to do,” said the superintendent. But what about those left behind?
– Uh, it’s that … God drowns them.
– All ?
“Yes, all the rest of the world’s population. It’s like the greatest crime against humanity in history.
“Okay, take it all back, kid. Write that Noah and his polyamorous people are simply going on a cruise.
— In the Torah, says another, there is this passage where Lot’s two daughters get their father drunk and sleep with him to get pregnant. Doesn’t that sound like a reverse rape culture?
“Yes, and I have been told of two rapes in the Bible.” Erase all that. At least, with the liberation of the Hebrew slaves from Egypt, we have a good vein, right?
“It starts well, indeed,” replies the leader, “but once they get out of Egypt, God implores them to kill many people: “Whoever does not seek the Eternal, the God of Israel, must be put to death, small or large, male or female. We are in full ethnic cleansing, there!
– Cut, cut. Anyway, it’s too long.
‘Speaking of violence, boss, I’m on the Koran and I spotted a few fairly, shall we say, sharp passages.
– About ten ? Take them off!
— Not a dozen, 164.
– Me, in the Bible, connects another, I have 842!
“That’s inadmissible,” said the superintendent. But for the Koran, it is a minority religion. You know our motto. We must not only accept the difference, we must love the difference.
— Certainly, replies the person in charge of the text, but, in Muslim countries, they are in the majority. So, shouldn’t they love the difference?
“Absolutely,” the superintendent decides. This is why we sent CRIMPOF delegations to Kabul, Tehran and Riyadh. Besides, what news?
‘They’re in prison, commissioner.
– For which motive ?
— Enmity towards God.
(awkward silence)
“Good,” continues the superintendent, turning to another reader. At least, with you, who are working on the New Testament, we are in the love of our neighbour.
— Yes, it looks rather good, especially since it can be suggested that Jesus has a crush on both Mary Magdalene and John. We are fluid.
– Great, nothing to edit, then.
— There is still the moment when Jesus is very aggressive with shopkeepers. He overthrows their stalls!
— Write that he was unhappy and politely left a note in the suggestion box.
— Then there is the crucifixion, it is very gory. Nails, a sword, thorns. It traumatizes a lot of people.
– You are right. But the plot requires that he be punished, otherwise there is no suspense. What could we put?
“I have an idea,” said one! Thirty days of community work?
“Perfect,” concluded the superintendent. We worked well.
“I still have a doubt,” said hesitantly one of the proofreaders who had been silent until now.
— Did we leave offensive passages, asks the superintendent?
– No. I wonder if we are not irreversibly impoverishing the heritage of humanity.
“I’m extremely offended by what you just said,” the chief retorts. You are super violent.
Then :
“Guards!” Take this offending youngster away. And crucify him!
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