The couple and money | When a cicada lives with an ant

They say opposites attract, and that’s apparently also true in our behavior with money. People who make and stick to their budget end up with grasshoppers who spend like there’s no tomorrow. A few days before Valentine’s Day, we are interested in this phenomenon.

A source of conflict

Whether we like it or not, the way we spend influences our well-being. Researchers from several disciplines are beginning to take a serious interest in our behavior with our money, especially when we are in a relationship.

Living with your opposite, when it comes to spending, is very often a source of conflict and even affects the commitment we have in our relationship, confirms American research published last year in the Journal of Financial Therapy.

Definitions

The study is called Spenders and thrifty among newlyweds: Perceptions of partners on financial behaviors and relational well-being. To consider one’s spouse as a spendthrift, the researchers asked participants if they believed their life partner spends more than they ideally should. Conversely, those who saved more than desired were perceived as thrifty by their husband or wife. More than 1,500 American couples participated in this study.

Do opposites attract?

The adage is well known and often true. In the case of finances, a very interesting nuance was introduced several years ago in a study on the natural selection of couple partners.

In 1998, two American psychology researchers, Eva Klohnen and Gerald Mendelsohn, noted that people who spend too much will tend to unite with someone who is very thrifty only when they do not feel comfortable. with their own behavior. And vice versa.

People who are good with their financial behavior tend to end up in relationships with similar partners. And, unsurprisingly, conflicts around money are less frequent in those couples where the two lovers have the same values ​​when it comes to money.

We want to be reassured

There is no coincidence, confirms psychologist Rose-Marie Charest. “You have to look at why you choose the partners you choose,” she says. There are a multitude of motivations, but one of them is that it is reassuring to be with this person because they will save us from doing things that could harm us. Sometimes very impulsive people will choose very rational partners because it reassures them. Conversely, a very rational person may lack spice in his life and the impulsive person will bring him something that he himself does not dare to bring. »

The reactive effect

What is fascinating is that finding yourself face to face with your opposite in the heart of the intimate space that is the couple often leads to an exacerbation of our own behaviors, explains Véronique Joanis, teacher in social work techniques at Cégep de Saint Jerome. What does that mean? “The couple dynamic will increase our behavior,” she says. I was thrifty, I’m going to become even more thrifty because the other is a spendthrift. I restrict myself. »

nine times more

Men who think their partner spends too much are nine times more likely to argue (with her!) about finances. However, women who know that their partner finds that they spend too much are also more often in conflict in their relationship: 11 times more. The behavior of the gentleman also causes couple bickering, but much less^⁠1.

A matter of perception

“There is no objective measure to know when you are spending too much,” says Sonya Lutter, professor at Texas Tech, co-author of this study and the book. Financial Therapyjoined by The Press to clarify this point: in both cases, it is the woman’s behavior that is the cause of the conflict.

“Our results show that when husbands perceive their wives as spendthrifts, conflict increases, regardless of actual spending. Women know it when their partners find them extravagant and it’s bad for the relationship.

“What we know from previous studies is that women tend to spend more on others when they have extra money, while men tend to spend more on themselves. ‘they have extra money,’ continues Sonya Lutter. I think what we’re seeing here is that husbands feel there’s too much outside spending. Even when the bills are paid, there is money saved and invested, if there is misalignment on how the couple should spend, chances of conflict are likely. »

Thrifty or stingy?

As with the spendthrift profile, not all thrifty people are created equal. Some are downright stingy, or cheap, as we say in common parlance. These are more easily recognizable, according to psychologist Rose-Marie Charest. “If my spouse is cheap, we have to see if he is insecure about money or if he lacks generosity, she adds. In this case, I’m not going to feel it just in the money. I will feel it over time, in the tasks that have to be shared. It’s extended. »

What to do ?

If you are in an asymmetrical relationship with regard to behavior with money, your situation is not hopeless, far from it. Here are some good tips, brought by Véronique Joanis, to better live with this imbalance.

1. Define and understand one’s own behavior with money, in a lucid and honest way, then see how this relationship with money translates within the couple.

2. Discuss, open the dialogue about money, as a couple – without demonizing the behavior of the other or your own. To achieve this, Véronique Joanis advises sharing the good and bad sides of each behavior.

3. Agree on sharing common expenses for the couple or family. Find the method that suits you, if you want to move towards a joint account and perhaps keep accounts for personal expenses that will allow you to manage some of the money according to individual principles.

4. Establish joint projects, built together, and follow up so that they don’t fall into oblivion as soon as another priority rises to the top of the list. “We forget ourselves a lot when we have young children,” says Véronique Joanis. If in addition one wants to save and the other spends, where is the couple? »

Discussing money in couples therapy

“Yes, financial therapists need to work with individuals and couples to improve behavior with money, but it is equally beneficial to work to better understand each other’s spending patterns. This can be done by better understanding how everyone views and understands money,” the study concludes. Spenders and thrifty among newlyweds: Perceptions of partners on financial behaviors and relational well-being. The researchers suggest making a common budget. Making financial decisions together is a step in the right direction for couples, they say.

1. Thrifters and spenders: predicting financial conflicts in the coupleUS study, 2017