Parenting is constantly changing; between reconciliation, mental workload and the need for balance, the challenges remain. At one arm of the new year, The duty went to gather advice for undertaking 2023 with a little more lightness and looking inward.
In 1975, British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “ the good enough mother — literally: the good enough mother. And it is with this premise that Sarah Hamel, psychoeducator, and Jessika Brazeau, journalist and co-founder of the website “Ça va Maman? “, dedicated to maternal mental health, tries to change certain paradigms and offers some ideas. And, see no New Year’s resolution, the two women cheerfully refute the concept, because “being a parent who does your best is already good”!
Connect
According to Sarah Hamel, it is important to keep in mind that children do not need perfect parents, but present parents. “Their development is a natural process. It’s like a plant. You don’t have to pull on it for it to grow, it just needs to be in favorable conditions. Well, for the child, his favorable condition to emerge is the connection with his parents. »
His proposal: play tag or hide-and-seek for five or ten minutes after school, two games that are physiologically and psychologically powerful. “It discharges energy and sends the message ‘I want to be with you’ — besides, you always have to catch or find the other! »
Obviously, there is no need to organize an activity if the desire is not there. “If we force ourselves, the children will feel it anyway and it’s less sincere,” adds Jessika Brazeau. “You have to ask yourself: what is quality time? We put a lot of emphasis on our child,” but very little on us. It creates an imbalance that is not nourishing for the relationship. We have to lower our expectations and put ourselves in the equation. The mother of three children goes there with her proposal: “I find a ground of common interest and I suggest to my daughter, for example, to draw or to go to IKEA. I go at his pace and we both have a great time. And I don’t pressure myself to spend an afternoon with her every week. »
To reinforce
All parents would like to spend quality time with each of their children individually. In fact, planning and the pressure to succeed often leads to additional stress. To strengthen the parent-child bond, there is no need to plan the perfect day, says Jessika Brazeau. “Secure attachment is a long continuum. It’s not in our daily actions, but in the overall relationship with the child. If we have ten minutes in the evening before putting our child to bed and we do a puzzle, color or the child simply tells his day, it’s okay. We have to see how our daily life can be arranged so that it pleases parents and children. You have to have this reflection: what does my child need and what can I give him? »
For the bond to be strengthened, the child needs to feel that his parents are always there when needed—for his survival, literally. And this presence is transmitted through simple gestures. Sarah Hamel suggests a secret sign that we create with each child and that we give to them spontaneously, like a wink or the shape of a heart drawn with their fingers, and which means that it is important, that we don’t forget.
Spontaneous moments of connection are also to be preferred. They show that, even when busy doing other things, the parent thinks of his child. “Stop cooking dinner, two seconds, and go do a kiss-cuddle attack without him asking.” That will strengthen the relationship! says Sarah Hamel. The psychoeducator adds a caveat: “Individual moments with our children should not be a reward or a privilege. Our love is not earned, it is earned in advance. »
dialogue
“Opening the dialogue and talking about emotions is the most difficult thing”, say the two experts, but it is so necessary. To achieve this, the parent must look to him and understand himself first. “Parents would like to have a guide with the steps to take to discuss emotions with their children, but when you ask them about them, how they feel, when you ask them why they react in such a way, they do not know the dissect,” says Jessika Brazeau.
If we force ourselves, the children will feel it anyway and it’s less sincere
It is essential to show that it is normal to have emotions and that everyone experiences them, says Ms.me Hamel. “Say it out loud, that you put too much oregano in your recipe and you’re disappointed!” Then we take a step back. We show how the emotion ends up passing when we live it fully without resisting or trying to change it. And the important thing is to catch up with the situation afterwards and to reassure the child that the emotional bond remains intact even though we have lost patience with him. »
Jessika Brazeau takes the pulse of the challenges faced by some families through her Ça va mama? platform. She believes that one of the keys to successful parenting is to refocus on your needs and emotions. “According to Winnicott, the mother represents the reflection of the world, with the good and the less good. In this less good [comme l’attente ou l’absence], the child will learn to be creative to meet his needs differently, summarizes Jessika Brazeau. All of that is important. It’s not just good deeds, gentleness and benevolence. If you show that you are imperfect, but that you can fix a mistake, that’s what the child will pick up, “explains the journalist, while specifying that” we are not a less good parent because we don’t fill in all the boxes.
A unique species
A new mother at the height of the pandemic, psychoeducator Sarah Hamel used her knowledge to help the community of confused young parents who gravitated around her. His humorous chronicles published on social networks have recently been transposed into a book. The ti-pou of America. Better understand it to better intervene is inspired by a host of everyday situations and offers a practical and sympathetic approach to better meet the needs of the fascinating and adorable creatures that are children.