It’s not so much the number that made me dizzy, but the supersonic speed at which I reached it! “Yesterday I was 20 again…”
Posted at 6:00 p.m.
Some memories are so vivid that I find it hard to realize that they are so far away on my lifeline. There are others for which I would like to have a failing memory and no longer remember very well… But hey.
Time always seems to speed up and this incessant pace frightens me. She brings me back to my doubts and insecurities. This is where the panic sets in, momentarily.
I admit that the idea of my 50 years gave me some heart palpitations and moments of anguish.
I’m not talking here about coquetry about the signs of aging, but rather about deep questioning: am I on my X, in line with my convictions? Are my goals achieved? Should I rush some dreams?
Breathe, Julie, breathe…
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my choices had been different. The famous “what if” is a formidable terrain, especially in certain more fragile periods when I prefer to keep blinders on and avoid this avenue. Who doesn’t have some regrets?
Maybe it’s because we live in an era of mandatory performance, but I’ve long been obsessed with absolutely ‘making good use of’ my time.
I had even developed a kind of intransigence at the idea of losing it one way or another with a bad movie, a tasteless book, a disappointing meeting, a failed weekend, etc.
Fortunately, I am beginning to free myself from this dizzying and so restrictive reality, even if I have long believed that it was my deep nature. A mixture of wisdom, the absolute quest for happiness, experiences and the pandemic taught me to see things differently.
I realized that I had too often lacked indulgence towards myself and I understood that the benevolence I show towards others, I could and should also have towards myself. Oh, how I sprinted and cycled! Of course, I have wandered around, never without guilt…
It is precisely by strolling that the body and the spirit are regenerated and that one manages to take a step back on oneself. Stop time to give yourself an essential moment of reflection. I am gradually taming letting go and mastering better and better the art of not controlling everything…
Life is surprising in its complexity. It is sometimes everything and its opposite and capturing its many nuances is a challenge.
It is all these layers that make it great. I like to think that there is necessarily a way to perceive happiness there and my instinct has never betrayed me. It’s all a matter of perception.
I am the sum of these lived experiences, good or bad, which made me grow, of these people I met with whom I evolved. Some still accompany me, others have given way to new friendships that I cherish. I measure my great luck to be so well surrounded.
More than ever, the woman, the mother, the wife, the friend, the colleague that I am is carried by a visceral need to know, to create and to be stimulated.
I have an irresistible desire to live and love fully!
Fiery as at 20 and fortunately, better seasoned. So goes my life!
#thisis50