Domestic violence is a massive phenomenon. On average, each year, 295,000 people, including 213,000 women, are victims of violence at the hands of a spouse or ex-spouse in France, according to an annual survey by INSEE. Among your relatives, family members, friends, colleagues, there may be one or more victims, one or more attackers.
Raising the awareness of witnesses and relatives of victims is one of the axes of official campaigns aimed at reducing this violence. If you are witnessing violence, and the observed danger is immediate, the advice is simple: call 17. But what if you suspect that a loved one is experiencing domestic violence without knowing it for sure? How can you help her if she confides in you?Whilee the collective #NousToutes calls for demonstrations across France against gender-based and sexual violence, Saturday November 20, franceinfo has gathered advice from specialists.
How to understand that a loved one is a victim of violence?
Signs of physical abuse are the clearest way to see that a woman around you is being abused, but they are not always visible. Especially since domestic violence does not only take the form of beatings: sexual violence also takes place within the couple (47% of cases are the act of a spouse or ex-spouse, according to a survey by INED), and verbal, psychological or economic violence are also violence in their own right. Different situations can alert you.
Perhaps you will see the victim change, withdraw, have behaviors that do not resemble him and testify to a malaise. Françoise Brié, director of the National Federation of Solidarity Women, evokes another warning sign: the fact that a person suddenly seems “very supervised”, “that she receives 10 text messages while you are with her, that she has to leave at a very specific time”. Possible signs of an abusive spouse’s hold.
If you happen to see your loved one and their spouse together, their behavior may alert you. “In everyday life, during a family meal for example, one can observe denigration, the fact that he gives orders, a behavior which from the outside makes uncomfortable”, details Françoise Brié, whose network of associations manages the call number 3919. “It can be a sign”, but we must also be aware that the perpetrators of violence often show a different face in society. If the couple have children, their attitude can also be revealing, if it appears “that they are not doing very well either, that they are very restless or too wise”, and that this observation is combined with others.
Should we invite him to confide, and how?
Bringing up the issue of violence with a potential victim is a delicate subject, but necessary. For Marie-France Hirigoyen, psychiatrist and in particular author of Women in the grip: the driving forces behind domestic violence (Pocket ed., 2006), “someone who is under the influence of an abusive spouse is never going to say it like that”. It characterizes the grip as a state in which “we can’t recognize where the violence is”.
Bringing up the subject with the victim is therefore important, but it must be done with caution. On the time and place of the discussion, which should allow her to feel certain that she can speak without risk. But also in the choice of words. Marie-France Hirigoyen believes that “take head on someone who is a victim of violence in their relationship”, by immediately using the word “violence” to talk to him about it, “would be doing him another violence”, at the risk of closing the discussion. Less categorical, Françoise Brié joins her on the idea of being “in observation” to judge whether it is better to approach the subject in a direct or more roundabout way.
Both therefore recommend focusing on more open questions, such as “I feel like you are having a hard time, is everything okay?”, Where “How are things going with your partner?”. If your loved one evacuates the questions on the marks of blows that you have observed, pretext an accident, “you can answer something like: ‘It’s strange, it’s happened several times hasn’t it?'” suggests Françoise Brié. While being ready to receive the word of this one if, indeed, it is the victim of violence: “If the person starts to cry, to immediately need to confide, then you have to be present”, warns Françoise Brié. At that moment she will need to hear “that we are at his side, that what we did to him is prohibited and that justice can intervene”. It is there that it will become useful not to minimize the facts and to pose the term of “violence” on what it undergoes.
What if we don’t understand his reaction?
A victim of violence who confides in you will not necessarily have the possibility, or the desire, to file a complaint or to leave her spouse. This is what is “the most difficult for someone who sees it from the outside”, explains Marie-France Hirigoyen: “Realize that the more painful and serious the situation, the less the person has the means to leave.”
Faced with this blockage, you could “wanting to push the person around to protect themselves”, corn “the more we push it, the more we risk breaking the link”, explains the psychiatrist. “We must avoid behaving like the aggressor by giving injunctions, in particular on the fact of leaving, summarizes Françoise Brié. These women go at their own pace, and face fear, isolation and material issues. “
Marie-France Hirigoyen notes that victims of violence can do “back and forth” in their determination to leave the abusive partner: “What I’m going through is unacceptable, but every once in a while he promised me he wasn’t going to do it again, and he might lose his job if I file a complaint, and what the kids will think if their father is. taken into custody? ” Faced with this type of reaction, she advises to assure the victim of her support whatever she decides. And, rather than questioning your choices, try to reverse your gaze: “If I told you that my husband insults me, treats me badly, what would you say to me?”
What concrete help can I bring him?
“You have to know your limits”, warns Françoise Brié. Her first advice, and that of Marie-France Hirigoyen, is to direct the victim to professionals. Starting with 3919, a telephone line that allows you to find an attentive ear, which can help the victim in his efforts and put him in contact with local associations. “Even if they are not sure of being victims of violence, they can call at any point in their journey”, insists Françoise Brié, director of the network of associations which manages this service, Solidarité femmes. Free and operating 24 hours a day, the 3919 guarantees anonymity, and does not appear on telephone bills (it is nevertheless visible in the call history of a phone, from where it must therefore be removed if victim fears retaliation).
Solidarité Femmes also lists on its website the local associations that can be contacted directly. The police and the gendarmerie also manage an online chat to help victims on the platform arretonslesviolences.gouv.fr.
Françoise Brié and Marie-France Hirigoyen encourage filing a complaint. But do not ignore that the approach can intimidate, especially as many women still deplore being poorly received by the police or the gendarmerie when they denounce violence. “If the person hesitates, they can be accompanied by a member of an association, a lawyer or a relative”, advises Françoise Brié. You or a professional can help the victim prepare a case and keep evidence without the spouse’s knowledge. The government platform advises, for example, to keep a written record of the victim’s first testimony, if necessary. The Criminal Code provides that the police are required to receive the complaint.
You will also help your loved one by ensuring that your doorstep “is always open”, if she has to flee, but also if she just needs “a weekend of rest”, advises Françoise Brié. Which cautions, however, about situations in which the abuser knows where you live: For the safety of the victim, it may be necessary to “take him away to other friends whose address he does not know”, as well as his children.
Your support also involves simpler gestures: calling the victim, coming to see her. For the director of Solidarity Women, the main role that relatives can play is “not to leave the victim isolated with his attacker”.
If you are a victim of violence, or if you are worried about a member of your entourage, there is an anonymous listening service, number 3919, which can be reached free of charge 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Other information is also available. on the government website, where it is also possible to file a report.