Posted at 5:00 p.m.
Christopher likes women from elsewhere. That doesn’t make him a racist, but an ethnophile, he believes. Except that the highlight of his story is not there. But in its winding journey to arrive at this conclusion. Or rather decipher it. Decipher. Explanations.
It looks complicated like that, but it’s quite simple. It’s because Christopher wrote to us in the spring in response to the testimony of a certain Laurence, a thirty-year-old feminist with an unmentionable fantasy, she believed: blacks. “It’s not racism! “, ignites, half-amused, half-shocked, our interlocutor, seated in front of a beer, at the beginning of the summer. Racism, for me, is something negative. Being attracted, I don’t call that being racist, but ethnophilic, or ethnosexual ! »
Our man knows what he is talking about: he has been living, and for three years, a real “love at first sight” for a woman from Africa. Except that by listening to his story, we see that his story is elsewhere. Let’s say that this love at first sight may have been fueled by an otherwise troubled, at least unhappy past. But read instead.
Christopher had an awakening to sexuality “like everyone else”, he giggles with a big frank laugh, “as awkward as a normal teenager”. From 15 to 25 years old, he lives a few adventures, before meeting a woman with whom he spends more than 20 years. So far, nothing special to report. And indeed, at this point in the interview, our interlocutor does not seem to want to say much more.
In bed ? “Very good years, but like many, at some point, we went around,” he simply answers. But still ? “Dazzling at the beginning, he continues, and then it got complicated. »
Complicated how? We will have to cook it for a long time. Out of modesty, or perhaps to cover his tracks, and protect his anonymity, Christopher will quickly jump to his current spouse, to return to the theme of “racism” or, sorry, ethnophilia :
The quality of sexuality has nothing to do with skin color, but with chemistry.
Christopher
Certainly, but back to his previous relationship, we allow ourselves to insist.
So here it is, he ends up confiding (“and I could feed three of your columns!”): it’s that after a few years, and after having founded a family, Madame wanted to explore the side of swinging . The affair lasted, wait for it, more than 10 years, with a couple of chosen friends. At first, Christopher isn’t against it, although he doesn’t seem too keen on the idea of the couple in question. For good reason: “I think she was probably in love with the guy, and me, the girl did not attract me much. Especially since they were friends…”
Nevertheless, their first explorations are rather “funny”, “we didn’t take ourselves seriously”, and yes, he “tripped”. “As long as it’s not serious, you’re tripping. »
They go straight on a trip to four, or two. “Each on his side. “Because they were not” mixists “, but “swingers” strictly speaking, we understand.
But ? Here we are. This is where Christopher’s tongue loosens. “Emotions are mixed in there. […] It’s already complicated with two, there, with four, it’s four times more complicated. […] And at some point, the other took up more space. In her head, he took up too much space. […] It wasn’t just a game anymore. And there, it wasn’t fun anymore. »
Basically, we decode, the relationship between Madame and (the other) Monsieur has become archi-“complicated”, “there were bickering, jealousy, shit”. “I didn’t feel like going through that! While on his own side, and with (the other) lady, over time and given the circumstances, he had “better chemistry”.
No, he did not “fell” in love with her, but “went up” in love, he nuances. “Was that love?” Above all, it has become easier to be with the other. »
In fact, the relationship between the four has become so “heavy” that our man has taken a break from all these beautiful people for a few months. “And I never came back. »
End of the story ? Without hesitation. “I’ve turned the page,” confirms Christopher. Besides, he never talks about it. To no one. His current spouse is not even aware of his explorations. Why is that ? “It bothers people,” he fears.
[L’échangisme], it creates judgment and it does not tempt me. And then, nobody cares!
Christopher
If he talks about it today, and here, “it may be to help people who are going through similar things,” he says. “Me, it’s something that I experienced and that I don’t feel like reliving. […] I knew it could go wrong, and it went wrong. […] Because you lose control. I complied with the game, but on the other hand, it was not a game. When people experience this, it must be done with a lot of transparency and honesty. And I think that we, in our quartet, there was a weak point. But that is my opinion! »
And the relationship with his current spouse? When he met her, quite by chance, after his separation (“I was really alone and I thought I was going to be alone!”), he came to this conclusion. “I’m going to be stubborn by feminists, but African women have a more traditional conception of the roles of men and women,” he says. The man is traditionally the breadwinner, and the woman does the domestic work. Not what I was looking for, but it’s not complicated. And we will have understood, in the field of complication, Christopher has given.
“If you don’t argue about everyday things, in bed, you don’t hang around in frustration,” he says.
But that’s not all. This “traditional” side, as he says, goes further. “She’s invested and loyal, and I know that. She won’t tell me tomorrow morning that she wants to do a trip three or four. And me, I turned the page, he repeats. I am not very open to open couples. […] Having lived through it and having hit rock bottom, I’m not interested in living it again. Maybe that’s why finding myself in a monogamous and stable couple is reassuring…”
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity