In response to one of my texts in which I said that I found life hard at times, even if I “have everything to be happy”, a good friend replied: “In fact, life is is joy and sorrow often at the same time. Just because life is beautiful doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult, and vice versa. »
Posted yesterday at 10:00 a.m.
I re-read his post several times. It appealed to me a lot. It got into me because I realized at that precise moment that I had the right to live through difficult times, even if I have a boyfriend that I love and who loves me, even though I live in a beautiful condo, even though I have a job that fulfills me, even though I am surrounded by the best family and the best friends in the world.
When we have so much, how can we complain? How can we admit that, despite everything we have, we feel empty inside for some time?
Post-pandemic reality
The pandemic and the change in our lives affect me a lot. Working from home is great, but being home 24/7 with the same person is cumbersome. I need to see people, to interact, to laugh. I also need my bubble, moments just for me. For over a year I have had neither. I very rarely have activities with friends, and I almost never have time just for myself. And I miss it terribly.
I feel like I’m living the same day in rehearsal. I get up, I work, I train, I eat, I work, I drink (too much) wine, I cook supper, I watch TV and I go to bed.
And I do the same the next day. And the following days. Every morning I wake up exhausted. Completely emptied. Because my head never stops spinning. Even at night. It’s exhausting, thinking and worrying 24 hours a day. And the more I am tired, the more my daily life weighs on me. I have no more patience, and I have no more projects. I’m like a robot doing what it was programmed to do, nothing more.
Two trips have been canceled due to COVID-19, and I have a hard time imagining the one planned for November will happen. I’m so exhausted, so discouraged, so resigned.
And yet, I could go out more. I could go to work at the office. I could change my attitude for lack of being able to change what is beyond my control.
Each small project falls through, and the last on the list — a condo purchase — has just collapsed after weeks of research, visits, reflections. It’s not the end of the world, and yet, this last disappointment gave me a big blow. Because it comes on top of several other small disappointments that together crush me a little more every day.
I feel alone when I literally never am.
I feel lost. I turn in circles and am dazed. Despite the heaviness of my daily life and my thoughts, I have the impression of living in weightlessness, of floating and letting myself be carried by a wind of eternal expectation. But waiting for what, exactly? I don’t even know anymore. Like many people, I miss the “before”.
There, it is said. I am one of the privileged in life, but I find life difficult these days.