Posted at 4:00 p.m.
Marc is bisexual, ex-drug addict and HIV positive. Ah! yes, and definitely a sex addict, too. Hang in there, he has a lot to tell.
He gave us an appointment to talk about his bisexuality. Behind his tuque, his Metallica t-shirt and his soft blue eyes, we are far from suspecting that he has much more (long, heavy and diversified) to say.
It is that the 42-year-old man gives himself up with a disarming naturalness. “I have always lived very well with my bisexuality,” he begins, all smiles.
And how did this bisexuality appear to him? ” No idea. You don’t choose your sexuality. But we can decide to live it fully. And me, I always liked to explore. »
His very first sexual experience takes place around the age of 16, with a girl, it should be specified.
Then around the age of 20, and quite naturally, he began to want to “explore” on the side of men. It’s in porn viewing booths, downtown, that it happens.
If these explorations confront him? If he wonders about his identity? ” Nope. I have always been very good with myself. Always been really intense. Keen. […] I have always accepted who I am. And what “who” he is has also evolved over time, and in gradation. We will come to that.
This “gay sex, he specifies, has always been between two blondes. When I’m with a woman, I’m faithful. I am not a brave man”.
In his early twenties, moreover, he spent three years with a woman, precisely, with whom he had a child. “A smart girl like me,” he slips. We had a healthy and normal sexuality. »
When the relationship ended (we won’t really know why), he went back to exploring on the guys’ side.
But at some point, the cabins have their day. I felt like exploring, seeing new things, so I went to a sauna.
Mark
He still remembers his first time: “I was embarrassed! With a towel around the waist! It’s quite intimidating the first few times…”
If, at the beginning, it is more in “reception” mode, over time, it switches to “action” mode. And this, “little by little”, he specifies.
And then, at the turn of his thirties, he meets a new woman, with whom he has a new child. Except that this time (and for the one and only time, in fact), his bisexuality does not pass. “When she found out, while rummaging through my computer, I began to experience domestic violence. ” Downright. And not halfway. “She stabbed me, hit me with a wrench in the face…”
Now, Marc is a gentleman. “I am a peaceful person, I hate conflicts, violence. And then, when you have a baby, you cash in…” Until one too many.
Parenthesis: in bed, with this woman, Marc specifies that they had a “fairly unbridled” relationship. “We had a dungeon in the basement, we consumed a lot, he summarizes. It was love at first sight, a relationship based on ass and dope. And that too, as he says, “is out of date”.
Still, he ended up filing a complaint. The police were very “cooperative”, he specifies, and Madame has also pleaded “guilty”.
The “ass” and the “dope”
End of the story ? Rather the beginning of a long skid. “You don’t spin, you feel guilty for breaking up your family, even if it’s not your fault,” he sums up. So I got into the ass and the dope really a lot…”
With men? ” Yes a lot. I started to be afraid of women. So I got into gay sex a lot…”
We’ll spare you the details, but Marc recognizes, with hindsight, that he has “valued himself a lot in the ass”. And that for years. Not exactly cautiously.
After a few years, moreover, the diagnosis falls: HIV-positive. And then ? “It makes me dive even more. It’s a wheel. »
Fortunately, it is well followed and also becomes “sero-undetectable”. Better: “in perfect health, with the life expectancy of a normal man”, he assures.
Meanwhile, he has yet another blonde, a relationship of domination (“daddy”) that lasts a little less than a year. He still sees himself walking with his companion (sorry, “little girl”), a leash. “Her point was, what’s the difference between a wedding ring and a necklace? he explains. She took me to another level. She was very sexually free. »
But no, you probably guessed it, he never told her about his diagnosis. “I wasn’t honest. She never knew,” he confirms. But why? Because Marc himself didn’t accept it. “I was two years without accepting it. I went through this all alone. […] How can you talk about something that you yourself don’t accept? »
The relationship ends (once again, we won’t really know why) and Marc plunges again. “And I felt the need to explore the gay side a lot more,” he says. In summary: “lots, lots, lots” of saunas, and even more drugs. “Not healthy, he summarizes, really not healthy. I had excessive STDs…”
He falls hollow, loses his job, really very hollow, we guess, so much so that the following year, Marc enters the Maison Jean Lapointe. “I had lost control. »
We didn’t see that one coming. And then ? “It’s the best thing I’ve done in my life. »
I realized that it was not the substance, the problem, but me. I have an inner void that I need to fill.
Mark
That was a little over three years ago. Three years of therapy, withdrawal later (despite “a few” relapses), a job in a CHSLD as a bonus (“I’m useful!”), Marc is full of praise for the program. “Extraordinary,” he said, smiling even more. With extraordinary people.
“It changed my life. Going to therapy on your own makes a big difference. I myself went to seek help. In fact, most of his friends today are sober like him.
And sexually? “I learned to have a healthy sexuality, without drugs or tricks,” he replies. It almost seems too good to be true. Is it all gone, Marc? “I don’t want unimportant or mechanical sex anymore. It’s too easy, and I’ve had enough. I want a relationship. A connection. »
If he agreed to confide (besides for “the experience!”, his hobby, he says laughing), it is ultimately to send a message to the universe. “I know that somewhere there is a young man who is going through the same things that I went through,” he said. Live your passions. But in moderation. Because you don’t know when you can lose control…”
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity