I am against sanitary measures. I’m all for it. You’re wrong. I am right. We don’t get along anymore. I am no longer talking to you. Neither do I.
Conflicts and broken ties in relationships are now part of the narrative for many of us. Brother, friend or aunt to whom we no longer speak because we have divergent opinions. It is the clash of our visions of the world.
Your opinion
interests us.
Do you have an opinion to share? A text between 300 and 600 words that you would like to submit to us?
The polarization on both sides
We no longer understand the other in his choices. We are no longer even interested in trying to understand it. On both sides, our positions have become polarized and our visions of the world have crystallized. The other who does not think like me irritates me and disturbs my vision of the world. I feel threatened, so I cut ties with him. I can then keep my vision of the world intact and continue my daily life without changing anything. In doing so, I do not hear the other and reject him, which risks fueling his polarization even more.
The weariness and frustration that have set in over the months also play a role in the polarization, because we are at the end of our personal resources. When we are psychologically tired, all the differences of opinion seem bigger and more irritating to us!
Understand the reasons
If we want to repair the bond with a person we have lost or with whom we no longer get along, it is essential to understand that several psychological reasons influence our vision of the world, our beliefs and our choices (ex.: to vaccinate or not; to support the demonstrations or not). Everyone carries their life story, their anxieties and their wounds. If someone believes that the government is lying to us, or conversely that the government does not have a punitive enough approach, it is because their life experiences have led them to this conclusion. To try to understand her, we must start by listening to what she is going through, taking an interest in what underlies her choices and beliefs.
Trying to understand her doesn’t mean you have to agree with her or convince her to change her mind! There is no point in arguing about the element that causes disagreement. To argue amounts to invalidating the other in his previous experiences. Rather, it is about coming to terms with having differences of opinion as part of the relationship. By focusing on what we share as common points rather than on our differences.
Making the other feel our desire to maintain the link with him is fundamental. We can tell him that beyond our differences of opinion, the relationship with him is really close to our hearts. It’s reassuring to know that the link hasn’t been broken.
The feeling of shame can make reconciliation difficult. If a person has held on to a belief intensely and alienated loved ones, their shame may make them uncomfortable about reconnecting. She may fear judgment and rejection again.
In some relationships, it’s too early to think about fixing the bond. The polarization is still very strong. It will take time for the frustration to diminish or for the context to evolve.
There are links that we don’t want to recreate. It’s correct. It is not useful to repair links just to avoid feeling guilty or out of pressure. The effort is worth it only if the relationship is truly nurturing or meaningful.
DD Genevieve Beaulieu-Pelletier, psychologist, lecturer and associate professor at the University of Quebec in Montreal