Come on, let’s dare. What better way to counter the ambient greyness (the glaciation!), to release a little the tension (and the polarization) of this month of soft February with the air of groundhogs than to finally focus on our lowest instincts. Just for you (and us!), let’s dissect eroticism, this unique, cultural and subjective language, at the limit indefinable, evanescent and terribly exciting.
Posted at 11:00 a.m.
Let’s dive.
Maybe it’s a lace. A curve. Or just a look. Fleeing. Or downright supported. An ambiance. A smell. A quickdraw. Neglected, or wisely studied. Who knows ? A music, a poetry, a texture? Each his own. Still have to recognize it. Taste it. Tease him. It is animal, and it is perhaps even vital.
Vital ? Perfectly. This is the argument defended by the therapist, author and host Esther Perel (to whom we owe the popular podcast Where Should We Begin, an incursion into the heart of the most intimate couple therapies), who recently published on his YouTube channel a strong plea in favor of eroticism, especially in these hard times of uncertainty, heaviness and stagnation (The Importance of Eroticism in Hard Times). Do you recognize yourself? In the famous “languiding” state of mind (languishing) as mentioned by an article very telling about the New York Times, it opposed (invited!) the “vital force” of eroticism.
With her usual verve, she explains: “Eroticism is not only the vital force at the origin of good sex. It’s what makes life worth living. »
When all is well, eroticism is what turns the mundane into magic. When times are tough, eroticism is what inspires us to survive, and even thrive, against all odds.
Esther Perel, in The Importance of Eroticism in Hard Times
This popularization of eroticism in “curiosity”, “vitality”, “spontaneity which makes one feel alive” seems particularly promising in this season of love, of course, when February freezes us (the body and the soul) by eternally stretching this déconfinement. If we did good, together, as a couple and individually, finally? Eh ?
A journey, a language, a discomfort, a game?
But what exactly is eroticism? It is clear that no one agrees exactly. This actually makes sense. My eroticism is not yours. And nothing is exactly universal in the land of desire. If many oppose it to pornography (and even there, it is not unanimous, pornography being quite diversified, thank you, whatever one says), everyone goes there with their definition or colorful metaphor. For the sociologist and sexologist Martin Blais (What is eroticism? Philosophy, social sciences, clinic), eroticism is what lies “beyond” (reproduction or genitality). “It’s something more. And the whole challenge is to qualify this plus! “, he agrees, laughing.
Eroticism would be distinguished by a certain “intermittence” (a revealing neckline, a furtive scintillation), a “space”, a kind of “vanishing point”, to which one would oppose the “daily interactions devoid of affection, bureaucratic and cold”. Certainly, but still? It would be associated with a certain “mystery”, an “exoticism”, a “space of creativity”, which “makes you want to know more about the other”. Anything that tickles desire, what. Or don’t kill him.
Eroticism would indeed be easier to conceptualize through negation, we understand. Routine, daily life, domesticity killing eroticism, do we tend to repeat: sock or fishnet stockings? Slipper or stiletto heel?
The highway is very efficient to get to your destination, but you can also take the country road…
Martin Blais, professor in the department of sexology at UQAM
Besides the notion of getting out of the routine, of daring the adventure, the “rhythm” or rather the slowness should not be neglected either, therefore. We cultivate eroticism for what it is, not necessarily for where it leads. “The important thing is not the destination, it’s the journey,” he adds.
A “journey”, eroticism? Or the state in which this journey transports us? “Not even sure, replies in turn laughing Julie Lavigne, professor of sexology at UQAM and specialist in the history of art. And it’s fun that it’s elusive, to some extent. » The author of Traversing Pornography – Politics and Eroticism in Feminist Art has specifically chosen to focus his research on pornography, “because eroticism is too difficult to grasp! It’s very subjective! ” That is to say !
So what ? What is this “elusive” momentum that makes us blush and shudder? For the sexologist and psychotherapist François Renaud, to whom we owe a web series on the subject (Sensual and erotic education, instructive but a bit clinical, on his site Le sexologue), eroticism would ultimately be a “language”. “A body language, he explains, and an intention. »
It’s how you express your sexual self.
François Renaud, sexologist and psychotherapist
A “me” that is notably determined, a fact worth noting, by “how I see myself”: modest or rather assumed? Wise or pig?
It must be said that for the clinician, and unlike Esther Pérel, it is difficult here to dissociate this “language” from sexuality strictly speaking. “It’s so associated with sexuality, and for millennia! He further points out that eroticism involves a certain “discomfort”. “People are often reluctant to step out of their comfort zone. However, it is in the discomfort that one develops eroticism”, he proposes. A discomfort chosen, and not imposed, it should be specified. “Discomfort for discomfort’s sake gives nothing. Forced discomfort is not beneficial,” he says, instead contrasting it with “meaningful discomfort.” For who ? For himself.
This is all starting to look like a game, right? “Yes, indeed, confirms the sexologist. Eroticism is a game you learn to play. Note his precision: eroticism is therefore a “learning process”, he insists, and not something innate. We are not born erotic, we become it. No one is forced to play. You still have to dare to learn. Accept being wrong. And, good news, nobody loses here at the game. “It’s a cooperative game, with oneself and others…”
Manual
PRESS ILLUSTRATION
Is eroticism cultivated? How then ?
First, a clarification: nothing would be less erotic than to impose anything here. “Everyone has the freedom to explore what makes them feel good, but it’s not an injunction! recalls Martin Blais, sociologist and sexologist. It’s sparkling, and everyone wants sparkling. At the same time, it is a question of meeting a need, and needs evolve in life! »
Needless to say, we wouldn’t want to fall into a tyranny of performance either. It will be understood, eroticism is not calculated, it is felt. And tickle…
Once that said, you should know that there are many ways to cultivate this eroticism. But almost always come back to the same thing: getting to know each other. Pleasing yourself. To oneself. Before trying to please others. And without falling into the traps of beauty criteria either.
It’s the idea of giving yourself vital energy, feeling good. The more we know each other, the more we also know what excites us.
Julie Lavigne, professor of sexology at UQAM
How? ‘Or’ What ? Simply go hunting for your sensations. Esther Perel, a New York marriage therapist, offers very simple exercises in this direction: admire the sky, feel the heat (or these days: the cold!) on your skin, listen to the beating of your heart. “It’s not so much the specific gestures you make that count, as the meaning you give them,” she says in a YouTube capsule specifically about the importance of eroticism.
For a more “sexological” exercise (although a bit more “controversial”), Léa Séguin, researcher and popularizer in sexology, simply suggests consuming pornography. “There are still several types of pornography, she recalls, feminist, ethical, not just mainstream…” If that’s not really your thing, why not turn to erotic literature (written or audio) , she suggests, to make your imagination work here, in short, your brain. Our main (and most underestimated) sexual organ, need we remind you.
Marie Gray, to whom we owe a good dozen erotic novels (including what woman wants, fresh in bookstores), obviously abounds in the same direction. Goal ? “Getting to know each other, answers the author, which makes us vibrate personally. When you explore that, that’s where it gets magical. But it has to come from us. »
It’s cliché, but it’s true: “Love yourself first, and then you can love someone,” she recalls, an adage that applies to eroticism as well. Excite yourself first, then you can excite others. His thing? ” Get spoiled ! “, she answers: have a good meal (and enjoy it, somewhere other than on a corner of the table), play sports, sing, dance, slow down. And touch yourself, damn it! In a word: “Enjoy the pleasure of being well,” she concludes. It is a state of well-being that shines through in everything. […] And masturbation goes in this direction too. There are so many benefits…”