For sure. Martin is gay, he always has been, and he knows it. What is new, however, is that he has just realized that he is not only attracted to men in general, but also to certain trans men, in particular. That is to say: with, but also without a penis.
Before going any further, a clarification: a trans man may or may not have had phalloplasty. But like many people, Martin didn’t always know that. Hence his “shock”, and the story that follows.
We will have understood: his story shakes up several clear-cut conceptions of masculine and feminine. Of heterosexuality or homosexuality, of the fantasies of some, but also of others, and of their fluidity, on top of that. It is not intended, but rather it is experienced. All of this also caught Martin completely off guard. Hence his need, one midday recently, to tell his story.
“Is this repressed heterosexuality? », even candidly asked our interlocutor, a fifty-year-old with light eyes, until now never too shaken in his cheerful orientation, it should be noted. “I have always been attracted to men,” he begins. I’ve never had any female fantasies. »
I’m going to say it bluntly, but for me, it was never about having a relationship with someone who has a vagina!
Martin, in his fifties
He still remembers his first erotic dreams, when he was very young, featuring Superman, during the time of Christopher Reeve. “I thought he looked handsome with his kit! “, he said, laughing.
His first homosexual adventures took place as a teenager, around 14 years old.
In his entire life, he has only had one affair with a girl, in college. “And I didn’t sleep with her.” But we kissed! »
He also makes his coming out just before leaving to study in Montreal. Arriving in town, Martin takes an apartment in the Village by chance and “without knowing it”. “It’s been a blessing. » But don’t be under any illusions: our man isn’t really a bar hound. “I’m very shy, I don’t have any adventures, I mainly wanted to have a boyfriend. I’m a romantic! »
Looking back, he also remembers that saunas “scared” him (probably “cultural homophobia”, he suggests) and above all that he was attracted to “effeminate” men. “I liked guys who were thin and not hairy! he realizes. I’ve had a variety of boyfriends, in the end, a majority of them were big guys! »
And no, at the risk of repeating it, never a single woman is part of the portrait. “Always guys, absolutely. There were friends who Frenched girls, but I didn’t see the point! Frenching guys, on the other hand, any time! »
At the start of his thirties, after a series of lovers and as many monogamous relationships, Martin realized that he also needed to “nourish” his “inner garden”. In a word: he wants to live as an open couple. What he experiences, in a relationship that will last 10 years. “I have always had difficulty with the notion of monogamy, and this notion of cheating,” he illustrates.
Why could I meet an unknown person, and tell them all about my private life, but I couldn’t speak French? It’s crazy!
Martin, in his fifties
At the time, he had a handful of affairs, nothing more, “just to say,” and enough to confirm it: “It changes absolutely nothing in the relationship,” he says.
At the turn of his forties, Martin meets his current partner, a man with whom he is still very much in love. From the beginning, he announced his colors when it came to non-monogamy. “If something happens, he prefers not to know,” summarizes Martin, a wish that he respects to this day and to the letter.
“Sexuality is perfect with him,” he takes care to specify. And I still want it after all these years. I’ve never experienced this! » Which doesn’t stop him from wanting others, more precisely: trans men. Here we are.
It’s quite recent, actually. Martin innocently falls for a trans man he follows on social media. “He was handsome, with a perfect face, just boyish enough, a beard and tattoos everywhere. »
He sees nothing but fire, believing a priori and wrongly that trans people have necessarily all undergone an operation. Now in a publication, the trans man alludes to his attributes, or rather their absence. Martin is in shock. It hadn’t crossed his mind. “And then I said to myself: but if I slept with him, how would I react? » What he does, to be clear about it.
He doesn’t hide it: before taking action, “all the prejudices” come to mind, he insinuates, in terms of texture, smell, etc. “And then I realize that some men also smell bad”, that the vagina does not have the monopoly on perfume. Better: in the heat of the moment, “all [ses] barriers are falling,” he smiles. “It was very hot. […] I wanted it so much! »
“These guys take testosterone,” he argues, “so they’re very sexual!” » For his part, Martin doesn’t really know how to go about it, is experiencing a lot of “performance stress”, and… “lost his nerves”: “I didn’t succeed! This is my greatest misfortune! […] I didn’t know what to do, I felt so bad! »
Fortunately, he got back together with a second trans man, whom he saw twice in the last year. This shows that his escapades are spaced out. Still, he is not about to forget. “ [À 50 ans] it’s the first time I penetrated – I can’t say a guy, because I’ve penetrated many times – a vagina! It’s not nothing! », marvels Martin. Because there is wonder. If you want to know everything: “An anus is a passage. A vagina is enveloping! », he explains with his hands. If he likes it? Affirmative. “I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t love that!” »
But again, Martin doesn’t hide it: this whole affair is shaking him up. It’s confronting. He also mentioned his new fantasies to his partner, without going into details, and, surprise, the gentleman was very “welcoming” here. “Super welcoming, super open. […] It’s quite a relief,” he says.
In my life, this is a big upheaval! […] My gay friends want a penis, but me… not necessarily!
Martin, in his fifties
The question arises: has he been more attracted to women since then? Nenni: “I am capable of aesthetic appreciation,” he replies, “but here we are talking about sexual attraction! » The interest lies elsewhere, he insists: “I discovered that a man, no penis, is the same fun! »
Is he less cheerful for all that? Straight, or repressed bisexual? He asked himself. “For 50 years, I thought I was simply homosexual, I thought that was my label. And there, I am no longer able to put myself in a box. I don’t know what my label is! » Could it be that all this changes over time? In other words: “Do we have to be all black or all white? »
* Fictitious first name to protect anonymity
Write to us to tell us your story