Do you have FOPO (Fear Of People’s Opinionsor the fear of being judged by others)? In the office, it translates into the fear of asserting oneself, of taking one’s place, of daring and embracing change. How can we get rid of this paralyzing fear?
Since the dawn of time, human beings have been concerned about what their peers think of them. Social acceptance is central to human behavior, recalls Estelle Morin, professor of management at HEC Montréal.
“We need others,” she says. “When a baby is born, it seeks the gaze of others; it’s a question of survival. And that’s how we build our interactions, throughout our lives.”
As loneliness spreads around the world, including in the workplace, according to a recent Gallup poll*, the fear of what others think can become overwhelming. It prevents us from asserting ourselves, speaking up and sharing our true thoughts. To remain silent is to not take risks… and not to fail.
“The greatest fear of humans is rejection,” says M.me Morin: The feeling of belonging is important. It allows one to accomplish oneself, to flourish, to preserve one’s cognitive health. It is a condition for well-being and efficiency.
Risk taking
However, we should not try to be perfect, believes psychologist and speaker Rose-Marie Charest, we should rather aim to be “just enough”.
“Do I generally feel effective enough at work? Am I in tune with the people in my field and the culture of my company? Do I tolerate criticism? These are questions that we can ask ourselves, knowing that we can take into account the opinions of others without necessarily obeying dictates.”
She emphasizes how rich discussions, exchanges and negotiations are in the office. Depriving yourself of these opportunities is to hinder your professional development.
“For example, during a meeting, giving your opinion is of course taking a risk,” she explains, “but it is also an opportunity to participate and change the opinions of others. That is what gives meaning to work. That is what motivates.”
Getting the message across
For Jacques Forest, psychologist, CRHA and professor of organization and human resources at ESG UQAM, cultivating the art of giving good feedback helps reduce FOPO: if you know how to get your message across, the other person will not be rushed or tested.
“Whether it’s a parent to their child, a coach to their athlete or a manager to their employee, you can get a difficult message across,” he says. “You have to know how to give feedback that’s geared toward change. First, it has to take into account the three fundamental psychological needs: autonomy, competence and affiliation.”
Descriptive and positive, feedback should be empathetic, neutral and objective, it should offer solutions, indicate clear, meaningful and achievable objectives – and all of this should be done tactfully.
“The tone of voice and choice of words must be respectful,” says Forest. “All of these characteristics will shape how the feedback is received. It will be positive or negative, pleasant or unpleasant, satisfying or frustrating.”
Self-awareness
Getting rid of the fear of being judged by others requires better self-knowledge, says Estelle Morin.
“It’s a problem when it paralyzes. You have to ask yourself: what am I afraid of? One hypothesis is that we’re afraid of not being up to it. And in this case, I think you have to be the first person to show a benevolent regard for yourself and for others. It starts from within yourself. You have to be convinced of your own value!”
Easier said than done… Is it a life’s work? Estelle Morin talks about having a fair vision of oneself, with one’s strengths and weaknesses, to achieve good self-awareness. She advises stimulating one’s introspection by keeping a journal, for example.
“Regarding events that concern us at work, we note how we felt, what we thought, what we did and what value we wanted to express.”
Women and promotions
It is also useful to develop your tolerance for failure. Psychologist Rose-Marie Charest admits to having seen, throughout her career, too many women who did not dare to ask, solicit, raise their hand.
“Women feel uncomfortable asking for promotions,” she says, “and they don’t get them! How many career paths have I seen interrupted, despite potential and ambition? I believe that women would have everything to gain by increasing their ability to be told no.”
*Source : 1 in 5 Employees Worldwide Feel Lonely (gallup.com)